Alcohol alchemy

Never again!
Actually, that is one of the things
I never actually cursed the next day!
Never is a long time!
And what if I can’t give it up?
Should I just throw myself away?

The alchemy of alcohol
is its power to distill.
Meaning becomes ambiguous
and enables such cheap thrills.
Despite the cloudy, hazy sediment
and bone-weary, rage-red sentiment,
these are my reasons.

I do not believe alcohol is a cure.
It merely obfuscates and obscures
that which plagues my muddy mind.
Slurring, I have no self-control,
my mind twists to its worst colour
and texture: black as sambuca,
wonderful words lost in the ether.

I never wish to main and hurt
people I love, even random strangers.
But with drunken words, I lash out.
Pierce protective shields with putrid bile.
Wield weapon-words and a cheeky smile.
I want instead truth and wisdom
in all that I say. I need, instead,
to provide a better way.

The alchemy of alcohol
is its power to make me feel.
I am alone in a crowd.
I am lonely, I am nothing.
I am no-one, I am wrong.
Even if we all sing together,
I feel to my core I do not belong.

And yet…I am the life of the party.
A whirling, teasing tornado
of negative energy, smiling
benignly, screaming inside.
Incapable of empathy,
I can only wallow and hide
my inner torment, my useless
disguise in a masquerade charade.

The alchemy of alcohol
is its power to transform.
From a caring female form,
a rogue vixen can be born.
But now I know I am not
required to think only one way.
I can dare to bare my soul
no matter what former intoxication
might have led me to say.

I am determined to pursue
my dreams, with courage,
perseverance and might.
Letting light filter through
my fingers and heart, I strive
to be honest, good and right.

But if I stumble, and shadows
cloud my mind, I will use this message
to remind me the dark places I slip to,
when gripping vodka visions,
or absinthe annihilation,
do not define me.

Where once I said
I love alcohol
now I choose instead
to love myself and others.
I don’t want to be a cracked
mirror of self-loathing,
with scant regard for self-esteem,
blaming liquor, not myself,
for wounds I am repairing
with tender healing,
rather than despairing.

I denounce alcohol alchemy
for a far more clever chemistry.
Staying true to myself,
communicating clearly,
the damage I’ve done
does not mean I finally,
or fearfully, reject healing.
I gift myself forgiveness
and clearer understanding
of long-forgotten feelings.

Alcohol alchemy

msdebbie

Joined March 2009

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    Notes
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Artist's Description

Earlier in 2011 I decided to drastically reduce my alcohol consumption. I had previously battled alcohol dependence, but did not identify as an alcoholic (I don’t drink first thing in the morning…or every day…not always to excess…)
Yet there was a clear self-assessment that led to the decision: drinking had contributed on numerous occasions to me hurting people I love.
No more I thought and this article reminded me of some of my reasons: When drinking alcohol is no fun published in The Australian 7 November 2011
For counterpoint purposes, please refer to the diatribe of I love alcohol (language alert applies for swearing).

Artwork Comments

  • Lisa  Jewell
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  • Arcadia Tempest
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