The pain I feel knows no end and the grief I live with knows no solace, unbounded and relentless my thoughts tear what’s left of my soul to pieces. Irreversibly damaged my heart lays in a pool of blood trying its utmost to continue to beat, but I fear that it will soon beat its last. Why must I be who I am? and where I am? How did I become so and did I ever have a choice in the matter. Every decision I make is made based on past experiences and so called truths and as I continue this excruciating journey called life, I realize that my beliefs and justifications were all relative truths which bore nothing but further uncertainty and are now rendered irrelevant. So how is it that I am supposed to make any decision regarding my future, now, if I know my frame of reference is not mine own but rather an out sourced, relative collection of recommendations which are destined for irrelevance.
All I ever yearned for was contentment and peace and a love to call my own and to keep me safe and warm. Instead I sit cold and alone in the backstreets of life wondering were exactly I went wrong. The voices in my head scream “Jump” with such force and conviction that it almost pushes me over in itself. Every decision I make seems to be the wrong one and every reaction I have seems to be even more destructive. Every time I try to right a wrong my situation worsens and I find myself further damaged.
Which voices do I listen to? the mad, irrational ranting or the voices in my head? Whose opinion do I regard as worthy and whose do I disregard? Which decisions do I make, if any, and which ones are predetermined if not all of them? The only thought that I can make sense of, the only decision I will never get a chance to regret or wish to reverse will be the one to silence the voices for ever and end it all. No repercussions, no pain, no contemplation or agonizing post-examination, just peace and quiet, imperturbable and endless sleep. May we all rest in peace one day.
The Dilemma of Existentialist Angst