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Minotaur Testicle Soup by mordechai

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A true history, as written by Nuk the Peculiar Kobold

I’m sure you’ve wondered
what great god blundered
and made minotaurs kings of their halls
But don’t take it mirthless
they ain’t really worthless
You can make a nice soup of their balls

The ambassador came forth
to challenge the north
He bellowed, he raged, he thundered
but didn’t know what to do
when his jewels went to stew
and that’s when he realized he’d blundered

The herd off the shore
thought of honor no more
Fired from what they thought safe distance
But the sea got their bones
and our soup got their stones
which we swallowed down with persistence

Two dozen or so
set out blow by blow
the Minotaur Empire assaulted
Burned the ships and their crew
burned their damn port down too
Our soup that night was well salted

The Emperor’s heir
had not a care
no animal could do him harm
till a stab in the back
took his life and his pack
made a soup that was royal in charm

The treatment is Pax’s case
sealed the doom of the minotaur race
Let’s just say that her vengeance sufficed
The Emperor’s incision
was made with precision
the meat in our soup finely diced

The Emperor’s command
prepared its last stand
but their brains were all turned to goop
Their horns and their pride
are simmering inside
and adding their spice to our soup

So minotaur, tote ‘em
and empty your scrotum
into the bubbling pot
From the time of your birth
that’s all you’ve been worth
to make a soup, tasty and hot!

Marc Grossberg was born on Nov. 15, 1952, in Brooklyn, New York. Lacking money, good looks, and a callous disregard for other people, he lived a miserable life and then died.

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  • annieannie
    annieannieover 4 years ago

    it occurs to me that had you called this
    sweetbread soup it would very likely have been accepted sooner
    how hypochritical of me then
    pass by sir knight

  • mordechai
    mordechaiover 4 years ago

    Story was written from/about roleplaying campaign— whole point was to be indelicate, just to publicly humiliate minotaurs. Original version, about three times longer, used just about every phrase for testes I could think of. Besides, inspiration came from good ol’ Texas Bull Testicle soup. And aren’t “sweetbreads” brains?

  • rajahbah
    rajahbahover 4 years ago

    This is brilliant & so much fun! Carole

  • PhoenixArt
    PhoenixArtover 4 years ago

    Lol… great read Modechai :o)

  • CDeblin
    CDeblinover 4 years ago

    (google suggests ‘Sweetbread’ are the throut, gullet, neck and pancreas of especially calves Sorry any vegans/vegetarians reading this comment!)
    What a fascinating story told through your poem mordechai! Not quite the subject matter I normally read about but gee, this was good!
    The only thing I’m now pondering is ‘who’ or ‘what’ was doing the cooking? A “Perculiar Kobold” maybe?
    Thanks for sharing this ‘humerous’ “true history” with us! Smiles from Cobie :-)

  • mordechai
    mordechaiover 4 years ago

    Nuk, the author, did not stop to ponder who was doing the cooking. This, and his song and dance of “Good Little Minotaur” was simply intended to show the people subjugated by the Minotaurs that minotaurs COULD be ridiculed.

  • zoequixote
    zoequixoteover 4 years ago

    HA! that’s a great way to get the confidence of the subjugated back on its feet!
    fantastic entry, i love it :D

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