A Fri-day-day landed on the 22th day of June in TWOZEROZEROSEVEN
May 22 – June 21
Today you will feel like you’re a shaman of sorts, having many people who you never realized respected you coming to you for solace. This is unfortunate for them as you are terrible at giving advice. In fact, some would say you give ‘anti-advice.’ Remember the time you told that 10 year old kid that is was a good idea to go out and let spiders bite him incase one of them happened to be radioactive as per Spiderman?? Nice one.
Jan 21 – Feb 19
All those dreamy plans you make while in transit should be acted on today, as the planets seem to have provided you with a ‘nothing can go wrong’ alignment. This might include quitting your job, planning a holiday or running to the woods with a burly male gypsy like Picasso did and experimenting in 6 months of gypsy loving. I mean really, how much do you really know about yourself until you’ve been with a gypsy??
Feb 20 – Mar 20
Today you will certainly have a powerful urge for the better things in life. If ever there was a day to try that expensive wine you’ve had your eye on or that sports car you’ve been dying to test drive, this is the day. You will come off ritzy and full of class. If you are dirt poor and have to tell horoscopes on an art site for nothing however, why not sell your shoes and buy that family sized Cadbury’s you’ve been arrested five times for trying to shoplift?? Of course not all of us can sell there shoes, mine are gaff taped on to stop that strange guy that shouts at lamp posts who sleeps two dumpsters down from me from stealing them. And they said I’d never amount to anything. So cold.
Mar 21 – Apr 20
Take it easy today. You’ve been burning up all you’re energy trying to get a million things done. Truth is, no one notices. You could walk out into the desert tomorrow and no one would care except maybe Telstra, who consider you a good customer. Just relax, get loaded and lose the pants. Then maybe go for a stroll. Get back in touch with mother earth and watch all the little things go by, you’d be amazed how much you’re missing every day just at your local park. And don’t worry, Police will more than likely only use riot pellets on a pants-less drunk guy smelling flowers at the local playground. Mothers of small children can be so finicky.
Apr 21 – May 21
You’re need to create is most powerful today. It’s possible that those around you will get burnt by your creative fires!! Try and stay focused or you may find yourself doing many projects that lead to nothing. Stick to the basics. That ark you’ve been building in your shed might need some work. Or maybe today you’ll finally figure out how to put a zipper on those pants you’re making from human toenails. If worst comes to worst, create yourself an insanity plea bargain for setting your neighbours on fire. Creative fires… sheesh. Nutball.
Jun 22 – Jul 22
Find yourself looking over your shoulder alot today?? No?? I see. My bad….
Jul 23 – Aug 23
It’s very much a ‘trust your basic animal coding’ kind of day for you today. The planets are trying to remind you that the days of only eating what you can catch and kill aren’t that far behind us. Use this to you’re advantage! Got your eye on that next big promotion? Stalk and kill the competition in the parking lot. Think that cute girl a few doors down would be much better off with you tan the guy she’s with?? Strut up and down her front door with your feathers showing, and when the male of the den comes to protect his herd, show him you’re crazy enough to lock antlers with just about anybody. Failing this, leap out your window after midnight and roam the alleys eating out of garbage cans. Whatever works.
Aug 24 – Sep 23
A day of sultry romance awaits you. Today you will find attracting the opposite sex as easy as churning wood into butter. Right up until you decide that showing you’re date the stamps you made from your own skin is the deal sealer. The planets can only do so much.
Sep 24 – Oct 23
I see good things coming your way in the next two weeks. That is, of course, if you consider partners that pass out during love making, spend most of their free time in a shed surrounded by paint fumes and think sounds like ‘Manu konu banis’ are actual words. If not, unlucky.
Oct 24 – Nov 22
Join a gang.
Nov 23 – Dec 22
There is nothing wrong with forcing your opinions on others. It’s amazing how quickly a boardroom will sway to your opinion after you fire a few Glock 17 rounds into the ceiling. Percussion weaponary means professional, remember that. Show up with a mere petrol bomb and no ones going to believe your thoughts on the upcoming financial review.
Dec 23 – Jan 20
I just got an email from God, apparently he lost your soul in a poker game with the devil. Sorry buddy. Ouch.
New and Improved!! Maybe…
ALIEN LAWYERS FIRST CASE
A lawyer who landed an out-of-this-world job defending people who have suffered at the hands of aliens has started his first major case.
VIBRATING CONDOM STARTS ROW IN INDIA
A vibrating condom has sparked a row in India, over whether it’s a contraceptive or a sex toy.
“provides ultimate pleasure by producing strong vibrations”.
ROCK ADDICTION A DISABILITY
A heavy metal fan has been awarded sickness handouts after doctors said his addiction to music was a disability
“Heavy metal is my lifestyle. The fact I am into music so much has affected my work situation to the extent that I have had to quit some jobs.”
£65 a week top up to the money.
BLIND BOYS LEADS FOOTBALL TEAM
Schoolboy Sam Wishart has become captain of his local rugby team despite being nearly blind.
“Sometimes I drop the ball and it can be hard seeing my team-mates.”
*The Birthdays – TODAY ONLY *
if only I’d cut the Red wire…
Meryl Streep 1949
Gary (INXS) Beers 1957
Stephen Page (Barenaked Ladied) 1970
*WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING…..
1558 – The French take the French town of Thioville from the English. Was forever referred to as ‘Le femme last daye of showing the spine’ day.
1772 – Slavery was outlawed in England. High five.
1940 – France and Germany signed an armistice at Compiegne, on terms dictated by the Nazis. ‘Le femme last daye of showing the spine’ day was remembered.
1944 – U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt signed the “GI Bill of Rights” to provide broad benefits for veterans of the war.
1981 – Mark David Chapman pled guilty to killing John Lennon. All you need is love, and body armour that can withstand hollow point bullets it seems.
1998 – The 75th National Marbles Tournament begins in Wildwood, NJ. Yet another reason geeks could never get laid was born.
1963 – The Safaris’ “Wipe Out” was released
1967 – The drug possession trial of Rolling Stone members Mick Jagger and Keith Richards opened in London.
1990 – Billy Joel became the first rock artist to perform at Yankee Stadium.
DID YOU KNOW….
just say maybe
Is *NOT an effective spermicide
When first released on the Chinese market, the translation ‘_ko-ka-ko-la_’ meant “*bite the wax tadpole.*”
In the mid 80’s, coca-Cola recalled advertisement posters because an image of a woman about to perform fellatio could be seen in the ice surrounding the bottle.
Coke and Asprin WONT get you high. Bummer.