Stretching in my pajamas, the sun rise over the trees, I stare out my window.
The red dawn clouds capture me, my breathing intense as I narrow my mind to just the sky.
That was the limit, at one day, point, or time, was it not?
Forever was said often, soul mates a term used tightly with you.
You took my hand in the summer moon that evening.
Laying in the road, the tar warm against my body, you…next to me.
and I cried…
The twilight had captured my thoughts, perpetually unending.
And I thought
we could be unending.
But snapping back to reality, away from the long talks
In the summer evenings on the most perfect walks
I’d ever taken in my life.
I look back down, my tea almost gone, my foot aching.
I look down, and say to myself
This ache is from the heart, I keep hurting physically because emotionally…I’m trying to be strong.
And then I asked myself why?
My hands clasp their opposite arm, keeping the body I own warm.
I am always cold, always cold, always cold.
But you, you told me I was your furnace.
You wrapped me in your arms that evening, just in silence.
I felt so infinite in that moment, with you.
That glass of wine we shared
and the quiet of the time spent there.
Oh yeah, because I’d totally do that, let me help you across the street grandma.
With my hands carefully, finally,
falling into yours, fingers clasping ourselves like a puzzle piece together.
Your shoulder is comfortable, my head fits perfectly here.
Made perfectly for one another,
the past…seemingly undaunting in similarities.
And then again, reality, appetite gone.
I slouch unhappy in my chair,
reminding myself that not eating
solves not anything.
Goddamnit, you’re going to eat!
I cringe, in your bed, you push those cheesey breadsticks my way in an effort to feed me.
I eat, and soon, we find I really am a foodaholic, but only around you.
Ask me right now, ask me what I just asked you!
Are you ready?
Yes, I’d say hell yes, let’s do this now! Now, are you?
I wouldn’t be talking to you if I wasn’t.
Those storm clouds took us in awe.
That was our spot, once in a lifetime, the happenings of that day.
I felt your lips on mine, quickly, as I was careful and nervous.
You told me I was bad at this.
I tear at my chest, trying to find the ache, the pain.
Trying to hold it, trying to stop myself from this…
I clasp my fingers over my lips,
the sound escaping is disgusting.
But I’m alive, am I not?
No, there’s a hole gaping within me.
Functioning properly, without you, has lost itself.
I can’t work without losing touch with reality itself.
I believe you’re falling for me.
My head upon your chest in the beach sand we lay.
I know for sure this feeling is mutual.
And I tell you that night.
You held me on that bench, your arms warm around my mildly chilled petite figure.
I don’t know WHERE the fuck we are!
The rain came down hard,
and the mud puddles were coming up.
You held me on your shoulders
carrying me over it, and then
when you set me down I caught that frog.
You laughed with me.
I believe you’re the one for me.
Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?
You say, kissing me.
Holding me. Your bed on the floor,
that dolphin blanket tight against us both.
It was hard, I was scared.
You felt the same, though. Then.
Again, I clasp my hands to my mouth, more ugly sound escaping.
I’ve never had someone do that for me before…
Kissing me on the shoulders…
I felt so loved, and you pulled me to your body in the dark
your lips softly running along my shoulders and back.
I can’t do this without you,
I am finally admitting to myself.
I feel so incomplete…
…You’ll understand if you know this feeling.