The Things You Find Out!

I’ve seen a few of these list go around the internet. I know it’s meant for you to learn something about the person who fills it out. Or for internet predators to gather useful info about you so they can steal your identity and ruin your life to the point where you end up jibbering to yourself in a made up language while sitting on the side of the road in a backwater Portuguese town, hoping someone will come along and kill you slacking your misery, but of course that won’t happen because even the Portuguese have standards , and even you are way beneath them now.
But it got me thinking of all the things you could learn about yourself. Simply because typically we don’t answer questions about ourselves so we don’t think about that aspect of ourselves. Consequently I’ve been answering these questions when the come to me and saving the answers to see what I might learn about myself. So with that in mind I’ve compiled a few of the questions here to show a little about the unique tapestry that is me. You might like to copy the questions and answer them for yourself, you might be surprised at what you learn about yourself, that you did not know. For instance, I really didn’t know I liked blueberries. :)

Did you tell the last person you had a crush on your feelings for them?
Does promising to abide by the restraining order count as telling them? If so then, yes.

Ever kissed in the rain?
Kissed what?

Who were you with at 4am this morning?
A crack whore, a postal clerk, two midgets and a smoking chimp. It’s my Shakespeare Group.

Have you ever written a love letter?
Please refer to question one.

Are you mad at anyone? Why?
Just the Leprechaun that tells me to burn things. Because he takes my toothbrush without asking.

Do you miss someone?
Only when I don’t take enough time to steady my shot.

Can you easily tell if someone is fake?
Yeah, usually they deflate.

Describe the pants you’re wearing?
Pants?

Whats your favorite of the four seasons?
Frankie Valli

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
Rarely. People tend to throw stones at me and wave pitchforks.

Boxers or Briefs?
Nope.

What was the last thing you said aloud?
If I had a bag of hammers, you’d all be sorry.

What was the last thing said aloud to you?
Sir, your making a scene.

Do girls like you?
As long as they don’t find me in the bushes.

Do guys like you?
They’re jealous mostly.

What’s a food you have sometimes that you really like but don’t normally get for yourself?
Blueberries!

Have you ever done anything illegal, immoral or treasonous?
Iranian Prostitute. You tell me?!

What is one thing you do that you promised yourself you never would?
Bodies in the crawl space.

Is there something that you have a hard time understanding? Why?
quantum harmonics. Because it’s quantum harmonics jack-ass.

Do you speak any foreign languages?
Every three years for brief periods and then I wake up in that countries Institutes for the Criminally Insane. Every three years like clock work.

Do you have an enemy?
The unibrow guy at the end of the street, Nike Footwear, Major League Baseball, the entire cheese and cheese by product industry, and Mother Teresa. She knows why!

Can you handle criticism?
Why, what have you heard? You miserable bastard. Who needs you anyway? You bat shit crazy ass clown, you wouldn’t know talent if it kicked you in the yam sack….....,ahhh, No.

How’ s life treating you these days?
Like it’s bitch.

Think of your first time driving – was it scary?
Only because the dude with the knife and the sack full of dead puppies wouldn’t keep his voice down.

When was the last time you made a huge mistake?
Soon as I started writing this.

- End Transmission

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