Prayer Will Set Your Soul Free

I will be 45 tomorrow.
Will death be there to celebrate with me?
Lately there hasn’t been much money
only a few pennies wrapped in lint
I am not the frail girl
made of popsicle sticks
I don’t celebrate with
laxatives anymore,
don’t enjoy throwing
up my Twinkies anymore

Streaks of gray like an old woman’s fingers
run through my unwashed hair
I’ve grown tired of using cheap hair dye
pulling it back with old scrunciis,
and I walk around Fresno
with an old baseball cap
with London written on it

I suck on a straw of a double gulp
to avoid living
often I’ve wondered if I could
re-wire the parts
that make others love you
there are the blemishes creams
don’t take off anymore
pieces of cellulite that came
from years of starving
and the disservice I paid to my heart

The times my body wanted to be loved,
and my soul just didn’t want it
The times my body didn’t want it
and my soul craved it
I don’t want to make love anymore
if I have to cut myself afterwards
I put the dark eyeliner under my eyes
in attempts to hide myself
from the naked world

please don’t brush the hair out of my eyes
anymore
I can’t hide the tears anymore that are permanent
stains on my flesh
like the blood I won’t wash off to make
you feel better
We aren’t here to make each other feel less guilty
We ignore each other to take the guilt away
to wash the sins we committed against the other

the baby you didn’t want to raise
and the rocks you threw at me,
to make your abandonment my fault
rather than admit
rather than confess
rather than ever apologize

I prayed so hard yesterday
I erased the scars for a moment
For moments I was with My Lord
ran after My Jesus
called out His Holy Name
clutched His pure robes,
wiping my tears on His wounds
felt the glorious pain of my knees
scraping the earth
deposited my tears into heaven’s bank,
wiped out all the burned out places
that lived inside the different places
of my imperfect heart
witnessed my faith,
break itself into words I could not explain
but clearly understood

There are the spaces of Emma’s insistence
that she remain home instead of go to school
she wants to hide, but I won’t let her
she wants the safety of our bunker
but there is no safety from anyone
then a cold scream rises from her
that the world is incinerating her
and I have to back down,
and I hug her to tear the demons from her,
sometimes it’s the closest I can come
to the torment that eviscerates her

Don’t let the hope that connects us lose it’s way
Don’t let the light go out of our eyes,
Don’t let our faith become just religion
we twist in the dark corriders I invented
to keep everyone out
our own dysfunction seeks to consume us,
hold my hand Emma,
and remember I love you
when you begin your mad pacing
and go into that furious realm that
keeps you from reaching the angels

prayer will set you free

mattybduran©2010

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Prayer Will Set Your Soul Free by 


Prayer is more than just supplication, prayer draws us into the very life of Jesus Christ.

Tags

holy, jesus, name

I am a servant of The Lord Jesus Christ. He is my Saviour and Lord. I am also a Christian mother who loves The Lord Jesus Christ. My writings are for His Glory. i belong to Him, and it is for Him, that i live. I honor the life God has created.

Exalt The Lord our God,
And worship at His footstool-
He is Holy!
(Psalm 99:5)
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Comments

  • Reynaldo
    Reynaldoover 4 years ago

    wow powerful piece with creative experience that makes this work quite bold. cheers :) MAtty

  • You are so sweet to me. Thank-you and Bless you!

    – Matty B. Duran

  • madvlad
    madvladover 4 years ago
    a cross////every day///
  • EllEssDee
    EllEssDeeover 4 years ago

    Yeah powerful words.
    So glad you got to spend some time with Jesus and give to Him your pain.
    Lee.

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