To a friend

Dear Friend,

Recently you sent me a bubble mail. I would like to answer your question.

Years ago, many years ago, up until a few years ago, I used to cut myself, and then started burning myself. My arms and legs are full of scars. All through my 20’s I felt, “It is my body, I am not hurting anyone, if this makes me feel better, then why should I stop it?” (No, it was not my body, nor is it still.)

I used to cut, mutilate and burn my body out of desperation, anger, a deep need to punish myself, a way to bring myself out of the numb state I was in. Sort of like a stupor, unresponsive to the call of “living”.

For years, therapists, my family and Christian people used to tell me, that this was sinful, and that I was dishonoring God by hurting myself. They also told me, that I was breaking God’s heart, every time I dragged a razor across my flesh.

This was not what God had in His heart for me. There isn’t much reference to cutting, but here are some Scriptures.

The Baal priests and worshiper practiced “cutting.” (1Kings 18:28) And they cried aloud and would cut themselves after their custom with swords and lances, until the blood gushed out upon them.

(Leviticus 19:28)
“You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the Lord”

(Mark 5:5) This is in reference to the man from the Gadarenes who was demon possessed. Night and day among the tombs and on the mountains he was always crying out and cutting himself with stones.

(1Corinthians 6:19) “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own”

Technically, I was not hurting anyone, from a worldly perspective. Still the act of “cutting” is frowned upon. But even if it were not, “tattooing, body piercing” the same principle, but widely accepted. Even if the world were to say, “Yes, it is your body, cut yourself if it makes you happy.” Someday it may evolve to a point where it is no one’s business. People may even encourage the act of cutting.

As we both know “cutting” is destructive to the body and soul. It makes you feel worthless, as you do not value yourself, you begin to deeply loathe yourself. The soul becomes damaged by the sin of cutting. People told me not to cut, I never thought they were judging me. I just thought they were annoying and should mind their own business. Because I didn’t want to accept “the truth”, did not mean that cutting was/is okay. It is not alright to cut oneself.

Now when I posted those articles, I was not judging, but as I myself was in a desperate place, I also believe all people who are in sin, feel judged, and accused, even when people are not judging or accusing them.

People start to deny what they are doing. Years ago, no one would have thought homosexuality was an alternative lifestyle. Cutting is becoming more and more accepted as part of heavy metal, goth and teenagers in general are cutting themselves more and more than ever before.

In the 80’s it was still shameful, and a secretive lifestyle. I hid the shame of cutting, as I could not bring it out to the light. But in my heart, I knew, it was wrong. I knew it was unnatural to hurt oneself, to cut as to bleed, and scar, and feel relief from it, even enjoy it.

I know God wants the best life for us, as He is the creator of every living thing. He knows what will lift our souls to joy, and what will bring them down to despair. He knows, and for us to deny it, does not make it right. We can validate our sin all we want, rationalize why we are doing what we are doing. I rationalized my right to cut for so many years. As human beings we can rationalize anything, make anything acceptable. The more people we can convince to make our sin acceptable, does not take away the guilt, and all that comes with sinning.

The gay community can coerce legislators, governments, and the population to accept their lifestyle as acceptable to a Holy God. But sinful lifestyles, all that is called sin in The Word of God, homosexuality, cutting, is still just that, SIN.

I am sorry you and others think I am bigoted and judgmental. I have posted those articles about the homosexual lifestyle in “love”. Years earlier, others told me in love that I was sinning, and hurting myself. They told me my behavior was self-destructive, and it was. It has taken years of healing from God, to take away the pain. When I get depressed, yes, I still think of cutting as a way to stop the pain. But I must not take the pain out on myself, I must give it to Jesus.

I know Jesus would have preached to homosexuals and cutters alike. He loves us enough to give us the grace to repent and stop the destructive lifestyles.


  • Renate  Dartois
    Renate Dartois8 months ago

    Dear Matty….No I would never call you a bigot and I am sorry for all the pain you felt to have to hurt yourself like that and I am so glad that you found love and comfort to stop doing this to yourself. I think that being gay is not a choice one is born like that I had a gay friend and one time he said to me why would anyone purposely decide to be gay and face all the discrimination name calling etc. we are always isolated from the rest it is painful and always thinking what is wrong with me but there is nothing wrong with being different and it not the same as what you went through. Yes often they engage in a promiscuous lifestyle just as do to many straight people. I think that being a cutter or a homosexual cannot compare it comes from a different place. Anyways dear Matty I am glad you are ok now you are so very talented love your writing wishing you the best and just because our opinions differ does not mean I don’t love and respect you so very much….Love and light

  • vigor
    vigor8 months ago

    Matty, this testimony speaks highly to the test you entailed and to the mighty Grace of a loving God who says that He came to take away the sins of the world, excluding no one. Whatever keeps a person from right standing with God is considered a sin. Our own conscience knows full well what that is, but it’s pride that can’t admit it and repent, so it’s easier to go with the flow of society, whatever is in fashion at the time, be it piercing, cutting, swapping partners, being gay or being straight. Gay is a lifestyle of choice, it is not who a person is just as any of these other things mentioned. We are free to make our own choices whether good or bad, right or wrong, God does not force anyone either way but He designed man to be in relationship with Him. He said, “Be ye holy, as I am holy.” Being holy means to turn from your sinful ways, ask God to forgive you, admit He sent His Son Jesus to die and take our place so that we would inherit His Righteousness and have everlasting life. It’s also up to every individual where they will one day be, either heaven or hell. Wishful thinking or just being a ‘good’ person will not give anyone that inheritance. I know it’s everyone’s wish not to go to hell, it’s not a place I would wish on anyone, but sadly, many people, even people we love will go there unless they accept Christ and turn their lives over to Him. What people don’t understand is that whatever your sin may be, and we all have them can be lifted from us by Jesus alone, we can never do this on our own. Anything can be overcome by the blood of the Lamb. His purpose to come to this earth was to set all captives free and before we come to Him, we are captive to the destroyer who lies to us all. For people like you and me, we came to that realization and accepted Christ as our personal Lord and Savior and now we are both free from our bondages that had we not repented would be sending us to hell too. Gays, whether they believe they are born like or not are no exception to the saving power of Jesus if they would just turn and go the other way. That too is a choice not to continue in this lifestyle. Just because the world says it’s ok, doesn’t necessarily make it so. It’s not about opinion, different beliefs, religions or anything else. Only knowing Christ in a relationship will free a person. It’s time we realize that we need to look to the One who created us and stop having faith in man made ideas that are meant only to appease the human soul into feeling good about himself and validating whatever it is he is doing.
    The reason we post these articles in the first place is because we love people and can’t look the other way because it’s our job…from Jesus who commanded us all to go into all the world, to teach and preach and baptize in the name of Christ and spread the good news of the gospel which is Him! If we don’t do this, their blood will be on our hands for not at least warning them. The rest is up to them and Jesus. This is called Evangelism and we can’t stop.
    Don’t shoot the messenger I always say.

  • vigor
    vigor8 months ago

    Thank you for adding this to Gideon’s