Somebody Told Me
Written for Twisted Tales Twisted Karaoke
Based on the song ‘Somebody Told Me’ by The Killers, the chorus of which starts
Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looked like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
Somebody Told Me belongs to the following groups:
Crime Time, Short stories - Spherical Scriptings, Twisted Tales and WMG“She had whiskey eyes.” The large man stubbed out his cigarette and stood up in one smooth movement.
Wafting away the dying smoke, Detective Bains blinked through gritty contacts and cast him a sceptical look. “What?”
“You know…amber, deep…..”
“So you’re some sort of poet now? Somebody told me you’d actually be able to help.”
The man’s lips thinned and he rubbed his jaw. The detective had the distinct impression he was counting to ten.
Then, “I’m going now.”
“What about height, weight, skin, hair?”
“Tall, slim, white, dunno.” The man strode to the door.
“Come on, you expect me to believe that?’
Reaching for the handle he replied, “As I said before, she was wearing combat gear and a balaclava. I could only see her eyes.”
“Then how do you know it was a woman?”
The man briefly touched his forehead to cool wood and then wrenched open the door. He walked out into the night calling back over his shoulder.
“She smelt like one.”
x
Detective Bains glanced at the skinny youth. Another smoker. Another night going home stinking of cigarettes.
“So describe the intruder.”
The youth shivered, “He had these eyes….sort of yellow like a snake.”
What was it with eyes today?
“And?”
Panic lit the boy’s face. He took a shaky drag on his cigarette. Breathing in patience the detective tried again.
“How would you describe his general size? Taller than you?”
The boy stayed silent.
“Come on, somebody told me you’d help.”
The boy looked down and then nodded reluctantly, “Yes he was taller than me.”
“Fat or thin?”
He exhaled, “Thin.”
“What was he wearing?”
The boy shrugged, then at the detective’s exasperated eye roll, “I’m not sure…..Look it was dark and he….he was wearing black.” He shot a desperate look at the door. “Can I go now?”
“Tell me…..How do you know it was a man?”
The boy’s eyes widened, “Cos…..cos….he just was…”
x
The bathroom was empty. Breathing a sigh of relief Bains removed the now painful contact lenses. Gazing at the slightly fuzzy
reflection in the mirror, the detective whispered, “I think I got away with it.”
Vibrant tawny eyes stared back, agreeing.
© 2008 R.Livesey
PJ Ryan
oooooooh this is fantastic !!
Miri replied
thanks very much!! glad you liked it!
PJ Ryan
(and i LOVE The Killers)
Miri replied
oh me too…saw them in UK before we emigrated & then they went on tour in Oz so we saw them again…awesome!
DBALehane
Kudos for selecting one of my most favourite songs of recent years! Thanks for posting this to Twisted Tales and good luck in the Twisted Karaoke short story competition!
Miri replied
extra points then ;-)!!!....it’s a great song….love their stuff
DBALehane
And the video itself deserves an airing again :)
Miri replied
is def one of my faves!! had to jump up & down like an idiot when i saw it live…twice!!
PJ Ryan
they rock
i’ve been listening to them today :)
Beth Wilson
Just enough delicious suspense and intrigue. Well done. :)
Miri replied
thanks very much, glad you liked it!
jcmontgomery
BRAVA !!!!!!!!! But of course this would be brilliant. winks
Miri replied
aw you’re making me blush! thankyou :-)
WanderingAuthor
I never saw the twist coming at all, and even with the hint about the contacts, I never suspected the detective. It is interesting, because Bains is the most fully realised character, and yet I didn’t catch on that he’d done anything. Very good!
Miri replied
like to keep you guessing!! & who says he’s a man? LOL, thanks for having a read & a comment!
Dwayne Boyd
You paint a vivid picture that pulled me in. I think I need a shower after reading that. I can smell all the smoke.
Miri replied
thanks very much…i know what you mean & i hate smoke!!
Cathryn Swanson
Very good Miri, I didn’t suspect him at all, great twist. I like the way you wrote this too, it really had the scene set for me and I could see it unfold. Well done.
Miri replied
thanks Chanel…still haven’t decided if Bains is a boy or a girl LOL….thanks for having a read through
Cathryn Swanson
Oh, yes, of cause… that will teach me to do this before coffee!!
Interesting, though how at the end it stayed with me the vision of a man, reminds me of a story of a similar story/quiz involving a doctor.
Miri replied
haha! yes off to have mine now too!
yes i think i’ve seen that one too
Alison Pearce
Wonderful Miri!
Miri replied
thanks Alison! glad you liked it
Debbie Irwin
Excellent tale, kept me going and wondering what was up :)
Well done!
Miri replied
thanks very much, like to keep people guessing if poss!!
GarBut
An entertaining and captivating read, with a very fun twist (we don’t know whether Bain be he or she, and for the purposes of this story, it doesn’t matter). I particularly like the sidewise approach to “Rashomon” narrative—really, this is a wolf in Rashomon clothing.
My only complaint is a compliment: I think that this idea/character/twist would be much better served in a much longer story. Nothing is ‘wrong’ with this version; I am only saying that you could do a great deal more with this very solid foundation.
Anyhow, I’ll stop rambling, given that this entry was NOT called “Read My Mind”...
Miri replied
thanks very much (i had to look up Rashomon! learn something new every day – that’s what’s so good about this site, appreciate that -thanks)
if only all complaints were in this vein! i actually did start off thinking it would be longer, then it sort of ended itself….maybe i’ll have another go…need to think of more descriptions for yellow eyes!
Ah Read My Mind….that could be another good one…so could For Reasons Unknown or Bones….maybe we should have a Killers Karaoke Comp!
Ryan J. Douglas
holy shit this was a fuckin good read aye.
Miri replied
thanks Ryan! glad you enjoyed it!
rrohn
Excellent story. The twist was really unexpected. Good job. This is one of my faves.
Miri replied
aw thanks, so glad you liked it! thanks for commenting :-)
Karirose
Miri, you did a terrific job on this (but of course!). Didn’t see the twist even when looking for it! As soon as I read the title the Killers’ song came to mind and the chorus continues to run in my head! I like the way you worked the song title in.
Miri replied
thanks very much! to be honest the twist just sort of came at me too….wasn’t sure where it was going & then bam! must be the great song!!
Bob Fox
Artistic feedback: nice little sketch! The execution of the ‘eyes’ motif through the 4 vignettes is superb— and certainly sets up the twist. The twist is blatant, yet well camouflaged; excellent writing!
Technical feedback: something about ‘wafting away’ is incorrect. ‘Waft’ is a noun or a verb; adding ‘ing’ makes it a gerund. I think it should read: As the dying smoke wafted away… Also, pay attention to ‘parallel structure’. For example: ‘Bains checked the bathroom was empty and then let out a big sigh of relief and removed them.’ ‘Bains checked…’ is active; ’...bathroom was…’ is passive; ’...let out…’ is active again. Additionally, I wonder if this is a run-on sentence. Consider diagramming it. I think it has 4 predicates. Also, ‘them’ in this sentence has an unclear antecedent.
Constructive suggestion: This is a nice tight bit of writing. Part of how you achieve this is by having nearly all the attributions for your dialog implied or inferred. This is very difficult and you do it well. However, I was confused by the 3rd paragraph: ’”What?”’; you’ve introduced two characters and the attribution could fall to either. Confusion can be eliminated by moving ‘what?’ up and making it the end of the second paragraph. Since Bains is the only character in paragraph 2, the attribution could only be his.
Keep up the good work!!
Miri replied
Robert – thanks so much for the detailed feedback – really appreciate you taking the time to do that.
– I’m going to leave ‘Wafting’ as i saw it as an action for Bains rather than an action for the smoke.
– that bathroom sentence in the last bit was causing me no end of grief!!...will go back & look at it again…i was trying to avoid a he/she and have ended up with something too clumsy
– will sort out the confusion with ‘What?’ too
thanks again for the feedback & glad you enjoyed it!
bookworm557
that was really cool.
so is the detective a man or a woman?
hmmm…. that is the question…
lovely twist :)
Miri replied
thanks!! and yes i’m still wondering too!
Miri
I’ve just altered the last para slightly to avoid previously clumsy grammar! See Robert’s kind feedback above.
Used to read:
‘The contacts were really hurting now. Bains checked the bathroom was empty and then let out a big sigh of relief and removed them.’
Think the new sentences are better:
‘The bathroom was empty. Breathing a sigh of relief Bains removed the now painful contact lenses.’
Natella2020
What a punchy ending! I just loved that last sentence, so thrilling and mysterious.
Miri replied
thanks very much! glad you enjoyed it!
olawunmi
Miri! I loved this, you really got me! I never saw it coming at all! And I loved the pace…who would have thought contacts….great piece!
Miri replied
Thanks Summayyah, glad you liked it! it was a lot of fun to write!
Paul Rees-Jones
Great twist, love the intrigue.
Miri replied
Thanks Paul for having a read, i enjoyed this one!!