I sat on a log over a forest drainage watching a deer meandering along in the distance, my thoughts far away and touching into emotion perhaps best ignored. No, the time was upon me to move out of the numbness of feeling and confront the fear I’d hoped to avoid. There it was, profound sadness; someone special was walking out of my life – gut wrenching, now even heart rending in its intensity was this deep sadness, crying out from overarching conviction and all encompassing belief, “I’m not worthy of love.” There it was before me, the truth as I perceived it, “Love will not have me,” and yet there was more, secreted beneath even this. The fear of what was happening back there in my home with her leaving masked a deeper fear and a desperate need to hide an awesome truth; it is this truth that I fear most. My intellect cannot sort this and I have left the need to understand behind, and in letting go of the need to know, I find the understanding simply dawns on me; I have feared who I believe I am, but I fear more that which I know myself to be.
There was something other than this fear there now in my awareness and growing in strength in the center of me, rising up from greater depths, no longer feared, avoided and denied; I opened my eyes, peering thru a well of tears, and the distant deer now stood by my side, drinking. I listened, hearing the trickling motion of the stream at my feet; it was as though I could feel crystal waters flowing down quenching a lifetime’s insatiable thirst – rejection long chosen and secreted away, now full in my awareness and thawing, melting, displaced and replaced by greater truth that I would not accept….until now. Now that it held me I remembered it, and welcomed it, and wondered what circumstance could have caused me to turn away from being this so as to pretend at something else; it was a time early in life when the choice made sense to untried thinking. I gave way into it and surrendered and received and it took me and that which I received, I became and was filled. It spoke in music felt in my heart with a new conviction singing meaning which after some time of pondering I was able to translate into understanding which might have said, “I am this. This is what I am – this new sense of me, this new definition, this identity; I have no words to describe it; no name by which it is known.” Language escaped me and perhaps this was as it should be because to label it would be to place limits on it, and I have not found its limit to this day. As I sat on a log watching a deer drinking, I felt it all; the rhythmic beat of all that surrounded me sounded its presence from there in my heart, joining me into a vastness beyond description, welcoming me as I embraced myself into it, receiving me as I became willing to be acceptable; all else of pretense, or mind generated identity, falling away like clutter to find me present within the incomprehensible remains.
I recall something I heard on the life of Michelangelo: when asked how he was able to sculpt his masterworks from blocks of marble he replied that he simply cuts away everything that is not as intended and the piece reveals itself from out of the rock; indeed of the ‘Pieta’ masterpiece Vasari said, “It is certainly a miracle that a formless block of stone could ever have been reduced to a perfection that nature is scarcely able to create in the flesh.”
The words of Grey Holiday speak to me of this experience in the song “You Belong to Me”
You run, you hide,
As tears fall from your eyes;
They fall like snow
From a wounded soul.
You hold inside
The hurt of great divide.
The hole is starting to get old.
So come back to the light,
To the love, you will find,
It’s been here all along.
So come back to the start,
And you’ll find in your heart
That you always belonged
©Miles A Moody LivingEarth-Hearthealing.com. Written and photographic works are the sole property of copyright holder; reproduction in part or in full only with expressed permission or purchase.
Nikon F5, f2/8 @ 1/60, 200 mm, Hoya warming filter, Gitzo tripod, Wemberly head. Great Smoky Mountain National Park.