‘I don’t always like me very much.’
It’s not a hard thing to say but it’s quite hard to write down and it’s one thing that I feel I should always pay attention to when my mind pops a little red flag up indicating that it isn’t happy with my world.
On occasions I’ve had this feeling in my life, sometimes severely to the point of depression and sometimes to decisions I’ve made or situations I’ve put myself into. A big change occurred when I allowed myself to be creative but that hasn’t made everything perfect. On more than one occasion I’ve looked into the bathroom mirror and mouthed the words to my own face to try and change my direction and sometimes its even worked.
I can wonder how different would my life have been if I’d changed my attitude at a critical point but the important part is to note when it’s worked for me. Looking back at the things I’ve said or the way I’ve reacted gives me a good indication of what I can change but the question of whether I’ll manage to still hangs in the air. And the good part is the crazy little thunderbolts that fuzz across my brain when I find an important method to get out of such a funk.
And sometimes my decisions are not the best with things that I’ve done that I’m not proud of. Hurting lovers or friends by bumbling around with emotions or actions. Insulting friends at primary school to try to be edgy or acting like an idiot to gain more attention. Maybe the worst is inaction, letting things pass or not making an effort when I should have.
Sometimes the hardest part is taking the step of saying something to someone I’ve always wanted to or standing by my principles and writing this whole piece in the first person.
This post is about me and taking a responsibility for my life and where it’s going but it’s also about accepting I haven’t always been a good person.
I don’t always like me.
A quick piece, something I wrote up only recently.
People seem to think this indicates I’m hitting a depressed state again with this but I actually feel like I’m coming out of one.