THE NEGOTIATOR (OR HOW TO TERMINATE A WORKPLACE AGREEMENT)

Have you got a business card?

What?

Did that lying mongrel print business cards for you?

In my purse. Why?

We’ll have a ceremonial burning of the card to celebrate the end of your relationship with him and the business.

But I don’t want to leave my job. He said I didn’t have to.

Caroline there’s no way you’re going back to work for that gutless wonder. If you need money I’ll give it to you.

It’s not just money. I like the job and I’m really good at selling houses.

Give me the card.

Alright. Here.

Okay. I’ll get the ceremonial bowl and the cleansing fire but first I have to make a call.

Who are you ringing Tina?

Just a quick call to tidy things up for you.

Tina! Don’t!

Good Morning, Bob Greene Real Estate, Kylie speaking.

Hello Kylie. This is Ms. Jeffrey would you put me through to Mr. Greene please.

Sure Caroline.

Caroline. I’m glad you called. We’ve got to talk. Sort things out.

Hello Bob. It’s not Caroline. It’s her sister, Christina. I have an important message for you.

Message?

Yes. Caroline is resigning.

Resigning?

Yes. This is her formal resignation.

Where is she? I need to talk to her.

Sorry Bob. All negotiations are through me. Now, she expects 2 weeks pay on top of any other entitlements she’s owed. Holiday pay, commissions, superannuation, you know, the usual. And I think you should throw in a bit of extra cash to thank her for not taking any sick days.

You’re joking!

No Bob. I’ve never been more serious in my life. We both know that she was worth it. She was a very flexible employee who was always there for you outside of office hours.

It’s not going to happen.

Oh, it’s going to happen, Bob. But wait, there’s more! You’re going to arrange another position for her. Take a look at your long list of business mates and get her a job with one of them. A legitimate lasting job. And, if you can make sure that her new employer isn’t an adulterous liar, well, that would make me especially happy. You’ve got an hour. Then phone Caroline on her mobile with the details.

You’re crazy.

How perceptive you are Bob. Crazy is one of the nicer words people use when describing me. You see, Caroline is the good sister and I’m the bad sister. Much bigger and nastier than she is. Our parents weren’t the least bit surprised when I began arriving home from school on the back of my biker boyfriend’s Harley. And they didn’t complain about my tattoos and piercings because they knew I didn’t need permission. Our biker group has their own tattoo and piercing artist.

Is this some sort threat?

Yes. You are a perceptive little devil. Caroline told me that you were a shallow lying bastard but she never mentioned how perceptive you were.

Caroline isn’t some naïve teenager. She’s over 30 and she knew I was married.

Well, let me tell you a little about me, Bob. I live in the bush and here we are allowed to bear weapons. Guns to be precise. We shoot pigs and foxes and wild tom cats. You know, those feral cousins of yours.

I’ll report you to the police.

I don’t think so Bob. What are you going say? Ms Jeffrey rang and threatened me? They’ll quiz Kylie and she’ll say, “Oh yes. Ms. Jeffrey did call.” But you see Bob, Kylie called me Caroline. And Caroline will tell the police that she did indeed phone to resign and to ask you to kindly arrange for another position in the industry. The police hate having their precious time being wasted.

Look. I’ll think about it.

You have an hour.

Don’t be ridiculous. I can’t do that in an hour. Businesses are winding down for Christmas.

Exactly the reason for my haste. You will get her a job before Christmas.
Oh, and speaking of Christmas, did I tell you about my roo-shooting mates? They go to Brisbane over Christmas to drink and visit nightclubs. They’re really big drinkers and sometimes they get a little, what was that word, crazy. Yes. Late at night they often visit real estate offices and peer into those big glass windows and speculate how many carcasses it would take to buy a little cottage in the city. And when they find that they may not be able to muster enough carcasses, well, they may get angry. They just might want to find a target for their anger. A big glass window may just suffice. So, may I give them Caroline’s business card, Bob?

I’ll get back to Caroline in an hour or so.

Good.

Caroline, Bob says he’ll phone in an hour with news about your new job in real estate.

THE NEGOTIATOR (OR HOW TO TERMINATE A WORKPLACE AGREEMENT)

Michelle422

Clifton, Australia

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Artist's Description

This work is a result of an assignment set by our writers’ group. It was to be purely dialogue.

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