Thoughts of an artist-1

It’s hard for me to trust life. I like to take hold of it, grab it by the neck and put my teeth into it, just to be sure it doesn’t get away on me.
I try to see how far I’ve come, rather than how far I have to go.
Now that I’m contacting my own inner clock, I am so slow. My life is on top of me. The collision of values overwhelms me. Am I wasting my time? I don’t know….I don’t know….this terrible aloneness.
I’ve always identified with what I am not. But who am I? My guilt and shame and fear are making me human.
I was always waiting until all the responsibilities were complete, then there would be time for “me”. How? I never thought about that. I’ve been so busy “doing”, I’ve missed something very important to me. I don’t think I was ever a child. I have no recollection at all of being a very young child with any sense of being “ME”.
I wonder if it takes a holocaust, outer or inner, to help us realize what is really essential in life.
I lived a smile-and-grin, smile-and-grin existence. I was dying.
I rage for life. I want so much to be free.
I’m trying to have faith-faith that I will be born.
I’m so off balance, I pray for daily guidance to avoid tripping over things. I can go to sleep when I orient myself to the stars.
The spirit is in the volcano inside. My relationships aren’t very good right now, so I delve into my work. Create my photos. I’m safe there. But even that isn’t perfect.
I’ll explode if I have to react to one more thing. I’m pulling back. I’m overwhelmed by the pressures of the outside world and the mounting pressures of the interior world are making me feel actually sick.
Used to feel capable, used to speak and write well. Now I never feel secure because I can’t find words.
Am I fighting my destiny or does my destiny require I take a stand?
When I touch into that essence and recognize myself as what I’ve been running away from, I am humbled.
I’m Miss Compassion, Miss Humanity, I’m a missing piece. I am also a child of the Greater One.
To get rid of one’s past one has to forgive – confront and forgive – and move into the present.
Forgive oneself too, and everyone that has hurt you if you can.
I hated my “authority figures” when I was young and growing up. I also learned as a child that I should imitate them so I knew that I hated myself too………

“Each night I am nailed into place and I forget who I am.
That’s another kind of prison…….” – Anne Sexton

Thoughts of an artist-1

kailani carlson

Joined October 2010

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Inner Thoughts

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