If I asked you really nicely…. would you hold my head under water for me?
Or would that be stretching the friendship? You always said whatever I needed you’d be there.
Well I need this. I need you to prove to me i’m alive. Drown me.
She stared into my eyes for a full minute before standing up and walking out.
In the distance I could hear the delicious confirmation of the water against metal.
My 16 year old saviour.
I walked to the bathroom and found her sitting fully clothed in the filled bath.
I got in and laid my head in her lap. With her wet hands she took the tears from her own cheeks and drew them on mine.
I know this isn’t how you mean it…. But this is all I have to drown you with. Water, myself and my tears. Close your eyes and don’t open them til you understand that you’re alive.
I closed my eyes and she held me under before I could reply.
I felt safe with my life in the hands of the girl I love. I could feel the tiny bubbles of air drifting from my nostrils to the surface and tried counting them… counting the life as it left me – as if to give it a number, a meaning.
Her hands pressed firmly down upon me – one on my chest and one on my forehead. I could hear her muffled singing. She was singing to me. I smiled.
…Porcelain, are you missing the love of your kin, are you wasting away in your skin, drifting and floating and fading away…
I listened… I love when she sings to me.
The ache in my chest was becoming hard to ignore. My body instinctively pushed against her hands and I cursed my weakness.
I squeezed my eyes shut tighter.
…Porcelain, do you smell like a girl when you smile, can you bear not to share with your child, drifting and floating and fading away…
I gasped for air and found only water. Tiny pin pricks of light flew at the darkness behind my eyes and my lungs were being torn from my chest. Against my will my hands clutched her arms and I kicked with vehement fervour at the wall.
I shut my eyes tighter still.
…Porcelain, do you carry the moon in your womb, someone said that you’re fading too soon, drifting and floating and fading away…
They say, at times like these, your life flashes before your eyes… that’s when I realised, the reason mine didn’t was because I hadn’t lived it.
I opened my eyes and she saw.
I’ve put them all together as I am considering using this for the In The Moment competition. Do you think it’s the right kind of thing?