Xavier Wright (rarely wrong) - Master Astrologer

Meet my alter ego Xavier Wright – Star Gazer – and find out your prospects for love, romance, money and fun for January.

I predicted a riot when the The Kaiser Chiefs were still at school – class will out

“The stars but not as we know them – wisecracking fun’ ( Julie Chapel – The Express)

Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 20

Relationships become tense when you are hospitalised following a freak cucumber accident. Doctors keep looking at you and shaking their heads but don’t worry, they are only laughing at you.
Don’t be too down about it all as February is looking better – if you last that long.
Lucky day; Thursday (no I don’t know which one, the stars aren’t that precise)

Aquarius: January 21 – February 19

You wake up on Friday morning to find three complete strangers in bed with you. It would be less upsetting if they at least had the manners to take their socks off.
Venus enters your sign at the start of the month and stays until early February – if I was you I’d demand rent and some money towards the phone and heating – honestly these celestials are a right bunch of freeloaders.
Lucky Day: Sorry doesn’t seem to be one.

Pisces: February 20 – March 20

Stay in bed – January is the month that POT PLANTS ATTACK and there are no winners in that situation.
Lucky day: The day after.

Aries: March 21 – April 20

Things start off badly this month but don’t worry as they take a turn for the worse later when a letter arrives from a long lost friend that you thought was gone forever. You’re a bit surprised as the blurb said the super-glue would hold the lid down for years.
Lucky day: Laundry day is as good as it gets

Taurus: April 21 – May 21

Thinking you can hear voices early in the month sets you off on an investigation that reveals a portal in your underwear drawer leading to an old Druidic burial ground.
Nothing to do with the voices though which turn out to be a tramp who’s taken up residence in the cellar with a dog and three gypsy dancers.
Will things get better later in the month? Nope.
Lucky day: Are you kidding me?

Gemini: May 22 – June 21
Your celestial bossman, good old Mercury, is retrograde from the middle of the month – whatever that means; don’t ask me I only pass the messages on.
You return to an old haunt and grasp a second chance to indulge in a passion you once passed up – don’t worry I’m sure the judge will be lenient if you show remorse.
Lucky day: Visiting day

Cancer: June 22 – July 23

You move in with a long term lover hoping for comfortable companionship – not likely because, quite frankly, their furniture is cheap and sub-standard. Your relationship is going to be lumps, bumps, creases and twanging springs all the way. Sounds fun but at your age you need to be careful.
Lucky day: It came through the celest-e-mail as Chewsday – that can’t be right can it?

Leo: July 24 – Aug 23

You need to spend a lot of time on your own this month but that doesn’t mean you’ll be lonely – you’ve got a flea infestation to look forward to and the kids come home from school with Nits.
The full moon on February 7 brings someone new into your life. They are blessed with hairy hands and big pointed teeth that disappear as soon as the moon goes behind a cloud. Disappointing really as you thought the hair was quite endearing.
Lucky Day: Next Thursday when you open up RedBubble and find you’ve sold a card – wheeeeeeeeehah

Virgo: Aug 24 – Sept 23

You arrange to meet a workmate under the railway station clock at mid-day. When there’s no sign by 12.30 you go home. Lucky really because only two weeks later the big hand falls off and lands on the very spot where you were standing.
Jupiter, the planet of good fortune, is in your house of fun, romance, children and creativity this month. So does that mean you’re going to have romantic fun creating children? Not likely I’m afraid. Better luck next month.
Lucky Day: Not very clear but there’s some connection with a bar of soap and handy kitchen implement.

Libra: Sept 24 – Oct 23

Romance is important to Librans and also librarians but we won’t mention their sexual peccadilloes for now, all those index cards and inky stamp pads – it’s a messy business I can tell you.
According to Pluto every Libran should be besotted by the end of the month but who the hell is going to take the word of a cartoon dog? – They’re more likely to be sozzled in this star-gazers humble opinion but let’s go with the flow for now.
Lucky Day: If you think it’s Friday press 1 – For Saturday press 2 and if you want the gimpy bloke who sang Oh Danny Boy to win press 3. Press 4 for a customer service advisor.

Scorpio: Oct 24 – Nov 22

You get frustrated later in the month when someone you want to attract tries to keep it casual; could be a little insecurity on their part but it’s more likely to be because you smell like a sack of dead cats. Sooner you get the boiler fixed the better don’t you think?
Uranus is moving though Pisces and we all know what trouble that caused last time – have you been paying the fine regularly?
Lucky day: The day the teddy bears have their picnic – apparently.

Sagittarius: Nov 23 – Dec 21

By the time horoscope dudes like me get to Sagittarius we’re usually a bit emotional, so you end-of-year babes often get a bum deal. Not with this guy, oh no, I keep myself fresh and minty by taking regular breaks for tea and muffins, thus making sure you guys get as much attention as the rest. Honest.
Lucky day: Sorry can’t keep my bloody eyes open.

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