Crazy Mary

We’ve tried it your way
and we’ve tried it mine
but we just can’t seem
to get our life in line
Maybe we need
to give ourself
some time…
some Time

(refrain)

Crazy Mary,
I wish you knew
how in love
I am with you
and I wonder
are we gonna be alright
will we make it through
one more night?
I wonder are we gonna be alright
and will we make it
through
one more night?

Well it’s been
a long while
since I’ve had the time
to stop and consider
what was
never really mine

and I guess it’s no good
to be sittin’ and sighin’
but it still
kinda hurts me
to see my dreams
all dyin’

Crazy Mary,
I wish you knew
how in love
I am with you
and I wonder
are we gonna be alright
will we make it
through one more night?
I wonder
are we gonna be alright
and will we make it through
one more night?

Crazy Mary

mcyoung

San Antonio, United States

  • Artist
    Notes
  • Artwork Comments 2

Artist's Description

This is a song I wrote years ago as I struggled to understand who I was, why I was here and what was wrong with me because I clearly knew something was awry.

“Crazy Mary” is a name I was called often in grade school….sort of fit with mama’s description “Mary’s always been a strange child”….she said this a lot to her friends.

The song itself is actually much more positive than it sounds. To understand this I will tell you the circumstances which surrounded the writing of it. My health was failing, my mental state was slipping rapidly toward some dark abyss from which I was certain I would never return. My life seemed a complete and utter failure, and I thought myself to be insane. My only desire was to simply be dead.

So one day I went to the bank and withdrew every cent I had to my name. Then I went to a pawn shop and bought myself a hand gun. It was a 38 with a clip. I drove out to the country to an old cemetery and there I sat for awhile thinking and feeling nothing at all. I then put that gun to my head and pulled the trigger.

To my horror nothing happened. So I did it again. Still nothing but a “click”. A third time I did the same with the same result. “Click…Click…Click” that was all. So I pulled the clip out to check it and saw it was empty. I was shocked because after conning the man in the shop into believing I needed that gun immediately for protection I had then asked him to show me how to load it and had watched him put one bullet after another into that now empty clip. So I drove back to the pawn shop and explained to the man that the clip had no bullets in it. He told me it did not come with bullets, but if I wanted some that would cost extra and he produced a box of bullets. I could not believe it! You see I had no money left, I’d used every cent I had to purchase the gun. So I told him nevermind and left.

I drove back home and sat there in my friend’s van which I had actually stolen since I had no license to drive. At a loss of what to do now I came inside and called my therapist and told her what had just happened. She asked me if I still had the gun and if so what did I want to do with it now? At this point I was angry with myself that I couldn’t even succeed at taking my own life! How many times had I already tried unsuccessfully to do it? More than I could remember. So I told my therapist I’d bring it to her at our next appointment. She suggested I be in her office in the next twenty minutes because my appointment had just been revised. So I gave the gun to her and she locked it up in a safe. We then spent the next several hours talking about what I’d done.

Later that night I sat alone with guitar in hand and wrote this song…an expression born from all we’d discussed earlier in therapy. It was one of those songs that just flows without much effort in the composition of it. The melody came just as easily as the words. Words that just rose up out of me and they were I knew true.

So though deeply sad, this song is about a discovery within me. A small child and a grown woman, how odd I had never seen myself as both. I had always seen myself as one or the other but never both together. Again I was reminded of something Margo said to me often…she’d sidle up near me and say quietly “MC, when are you going to stop doing that?” “Doing what?” I’d say. “When are you going to stop trying so desparately to be miserable when you and I both know inside you are really secretly excited.” Not until the gift of this song did I even remotely understand what she meant. I still am learning to understand all these things today. I suspect I always will.

With Gloria singing harmony we recorded this song along with a bunch of others written during that time…another lost tape and I thought the song itself was lost as it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to remember all the words.

PS: I’m not in that “place” anymore so not to worry!

Artwork Comments

  • Lynn Moore
  • mcyoung
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