A report produced by academics in Luton has angered the gardening community by declaring it all a “complete waste of time”.
“Science has proved it” Dr. Henry Ricotta of the Luton Research Centre “the time you spend gardening would be just well frittered away nailing eggs to plates. It‘s a pathetic attempt to control nature by expecting it to conform to the absurd and fussy will of the bored middle classes. Just because these people can arrange their compact discs and books in a certain order, they expect nature to but of course it inevitably doesn‘t and they launch into a never-ending battle of weeding, strimming, mowing, planting, pruning, feeding, watering, weeding and raking shit all over the place. It‘s a war that cannot be won. The minute you take your eye off the ball it‘s all over and within a week of you dying, you might not have even bothered in the first place.”
There has been an expected backlash within the gardening community, T.V presenter Alan Dustbuster was vocal in his opposition with his mouth: “What is he saying? We might as well lie down and die? There’s no point in doing anything? Like most gardeners I am a lonely individual with a garden shed full of poison, his comments are crass, insensitive and dangerous.” Despite being counter dismissed by Dr. Ricotta as a “fat git with a big chin” it seems that many other people also want to rip this report out of the ground like a big thistle and stamp on it like a helpless mole.
A short report on a contraversial new academic paper.