Like eighty per cent of the country, I was over the moon at seeing Vanessa Feltz being given another return to out television screens on no less than Channel 5. I felt the need to congratulate them on this brave, insightful and highbrow shift away from lowest common denominater shit-fests they normall revel in, so I sent them this email….
I would like to congratulate you for implementing the return of the remarkably talented Vanessa Feltz to our television screens.
Some people describe Channel 5 as being a cultural scrapheap full of semi-celebrity drivel, irrelevant knee jerk opinions and third rate chat shows hosted by hysterical populist partially lobotomised right wing tabloid columnists but by bringing back the “Veloptious V” you have proved so many so wrong.
There will always be people who say that she has the appearance and charm of sack full of dirty washing, there will always be people who say that as a person of such limited intelligence she should never again be put in a position to be passing judgement over others, there will be people who will simply say that she is simply a ghastly person with nothing to offer the world, but these people are clearly wrong. Vanessa has given so much to this world (right wing columns, tawdry sex advice, televised emotional break-downs etc).
So perhaps in light of this the Vanessa Show could be immedietly followed by a three hour chat show hosted by Anthea Turner and Gary Bushell in a studio mock up of a middle class living room decorated with posters of the shows sponsors and Daily Express headlines with exclaimation marks added to them. They could talk about immigration, bird flu and house prices and all that, I’d be great. I’m sure Richard Littlejohn would appear on it.
I have plenty more ideas if you would like to hear them.
A letter congratulating Channel 5 on returning Vanessa Feltz to the nation’s televsion screens.