ARE YOU MISSING? 09.00 – 09.45
Token public service guff. Three cross-eyed presenters from the bottom of the BBC talent barrel put out appeals for people who are clearly dead.
MUD RAPISTS 09.45 – 10.30
Archaeologists digging in Sunderland searching for a Roman bingo hall are baffled as over eighteen weeks of digging they uncover a three mile long piece of sculpture that simply reads “fuck you, you mud-caked retard”.
LOOSE WOMEN 10.30 – 11.30
Wired and over excited menopausal middle class women squawk, chirp and clap their wrinkled hands together in excitement at things that would fail to impress a two year old with no brain.
CAN COOK SHOULDN’T COOK 11.30 – 12.00
Featuring Gunther, an ex S.A.S doorman from Grantham who will be cooking his wife and her mother in a mushroom and white wine served with scallops and a chardonnay.
LUNCHTIME NEWS 13.00 -13.30
Presented by a man dressed as a fox dressed as a man. . Sponsored by Foxi Bingo.
LOCAL NEWS 13.30 – 14.00
Yobs smash wing mirrors, school nativity play rehearsals end in fiery tragedy and a local man finds a leprechaun nailed to a stick and uses him as scarecrow.
COME MINE WITH ME 14.00 – 14.30
Four groups of Israeli soldiers take it in turns to lay mines around civilian villages in Palestine before marking each other’s mine-laying efforts and peace protester sniping abilities, all out of ten. The winner then wins international immunity from prosecution. And so do the losers. And anyone else.
CELEBRITY CUM BRINE WITH ME 14.30 – 15.00
Danny Baker, Matt Cordon, Lembit Opik and David Guest take it in turn to masterbate over the side of a small dinghy in Southampton docks whilst a sarcastic narrator makes dry witty remarks about each of their penis sizes.
FARMYARD GISM OLMPICS 15.00 – 16.15
Live from Sherborne. Can the African elephant beat the aptly named Sperm Whale at spurting it’s love yoghurt over thirty two feet? Also the hare and tortoise – which came first?
CELEBRITY HOME SURGERY 16.15 – 17.00
Part of the N.H.S Cuts Season. Three celebritys are given the task of fixing the broken leg of an N.H.S patient with just a Black and Decker drill, three masonry drills and a coathanger.
MANKY GENITAL SUPERSTORE 17.00 – 18.00
An hour of both moving and static footage of diseased penises, vaginas and things so messed up it could almost be a close up of a car accident. Gaze upon pus, crabs, warts, prolapses, scabs, hilarity, guilt and strobe lighting whilst eating your dinner. Narrated by Robert Mitchell and featuring the music of Coldplay.
SIX O’CLOCK NEWS 18.00 – 18.30
Current affairs belched down a cardboard tube.
WHAT THE…?18.30 – 19.00
Half an hour of the evening simply disappears.
WATCHDOG 19.00 – 19.30
Rhetorical questions, viewer led petty outrage featuring two lads in leather wrapped around one another on a mororbike squelching bad puns from their screwed up and insulted looking faces.
EASTENDERS 19.30 – 20.00
Phil mumbles some indirect threats about something or other whilst Pat rolls her eyes in mock despair.
CELEBRITY FOUR FUNERALS 20.00 – 21.00
Four semi-celebrities gatecrash one another’s mother’s funerals under the guise of entertainment and ruin the whole day bitching about everything from the food, the flowers, the religious leanings and questionable sexual conquests of the late women’s lives before ending each day in a vicious champagne glass jabbing punch-up screamathon and rating the evening out of ten from the local casualty department with cutlery hanging from their faces.
GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME 21.00 – 22.00
A platoon of out of work comedians waffle on without any evident authority about the not yet classic 90’s sitcom Gimme Gimme Gimme starring Cathy Burke.
RABBIT DATING 22.00 – 23.00
Mugshots of rapists in waiting combing the nation for lonely people no-one will miss to bundle in the back of a Ford Transit Van and attack with a crowbar.
CRIMEWATCH UPDATE – 23.00 – 0.00
Updates regarding the recent spate of crimes involving crowbars and Ford Transit Vans.
LIVE CASINO ACTION 0.00 – 02.00
Watch anonymous deadbeats fritter away the last of their family allowance and child benefits on garish three-dimensional computer graphics whilst a dickless smart ass with all the charm of a syphilitic alsation coaxes more morons to join in the “fun”.
LIVE BAROMETER ACTION 02.00 – 04.20
Live from Telford with Michael Portillo and a bowl of his own faeces.
More spoof T.V Listings.