Smile

MaryK
Author: MaryK
Word Count: 312
previous browse writing next

He asked me if I’ll ever smile at him again. I didn’t notice or I just didn’t care whether I smiled or not. My smile is involuntary most of the time. I can fake a smile in public, but it’s hard to even do that these days. What is there to smile about? Cute stinky puppies? Drooling sticky babies? All the little fuzzy wuzzies that make any idiot grin like a fool? I have evolved beyond the things that used to make me smile. Trivial things are just what they are- trivial. Time is a cruel mistress. As you age you watch the world around you change. I once was an idealist, but now I am a realist. Sometimes this is the best life is ever going to get. Things just don’t get better. Dreams don’t come true no matter how hard you work. You have no control over your life. I have no control over mine. I am responsible for the effort, but never the outcome. I have nothing. I’m a slave to this life I lead- bound and chained till my Maker sends me back to the dust. I get a taste of freedom here and there, but it’s a vicious cycle of seeing what can never be… I am the sadist and the masochist. The only emotions that exist in my world is guilt and dissapointment. My empathy is my greatest enemy. If I was selfish I would break free and live a life that I’ve always dreamed. My greatest gift is also the thing that binds me. When you feel the pain you inflict- it hurts a million times worse. It makes me sick to my stomach. So, will I ever smile again? I don’t know. For now… I’m here. Alive. Why can’t that be enough?

  • raymondoantonio

    raymondoantonio

    YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE, BUT I CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS, BEING A REALIST IS A SIGN OF MATURITY….BUT ALWAYS BE PREPARED TO BE SURPRISED AND INSPIRED AND DON’T GIVE IN TO CYNICISM !! YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL!!! THE FUTURE IS UNPREDICTABLE, BUT MAKE THE MOST OF THE NOW!! XO

  • MaryK replied

    Thank-you. Hopefully, I’ll get out of this phase soon. Something has got to give and only time is going to tell what that will be… I feel like I have aged 10 years these last 2 months. If I don’t watch myself I’ll turn into a hermit. I’m making it… I’ve survived a lot worse. Thank you so much my friend.

  • Cassidy JK (Ra Or Emraeh)

    Cassidy JK (Ra...

    For now… I’m here. Alive. Why can’t that be enough? Mary, sometimes that IS enough, at least for the time being. Breathe, enjoy that breath, take the next…our journeys don’t always have to be exciting and inspiring, sometimes we get to simply coast. Close your eyes and do that. Just be…alive.

    I love the “realist” in this.

  • MaryK replied

    Thank-you for your comment- there is so much wisdom in it. I’ll try to enjoy the simplicity in just breathing and living.

  • lianne

    lianne

    I couldn’t say it any better than Cassidy just did, Mary. I will say that asking the question, “Is this all there is?” is one of those turning points where you learn that loving your life – all its ups and downs, its possibilities and limitations – is a matter of choice, deciding consciously to love, to find something to be grateful for every day. Realism doesn’t have to be negative Mary – and you are far too talented to limit your future by giving up on your present. You’re special Mary – so like Cassidy says, “just be…alive.”

  • MaryK replied

    Thank-you for your kindness… this brings tears to my eyes.

  • barnsy

    barnsy

    very nietzsche like. finding comfort in the fatalism of our deterministic natures.
    you are a realist indeed!

  • MaryK replied

    I actually like Frederik Nietzche… so I will take that as a compliment. Thank you!

  • poeticgenius

    poeticgenius

    Tough truth in this piece I’ve been taken out of my misery for a brief moment and I must say on many points you made I agree fully definent fav. !PG$ baby

  • MaryK replied

    Thank you

Add your comment

You need to login or signup to add your comment to this work.