Life

The moon waxes and wanes in the night sky
The unfathomable stars dimmed by my tears
The chill in the air mirrors the one in my soul
My heart is as hard as the stone I lay upon
Life?
How do you define it?
What is the “correct” definition?
As I lie here cold and numb
My nostrils filling with life giving air
Is that life? Air?
The dull thud of my heart encased in a cage of bone
Still beats… Is that life?
I breathe in and out… listening to the rhythm of that fictional heart

We expect people to make our life better
Complete
Without lacking
We depend on other people to make us happy
Love
Laughter
Joy
What happens when those people let us fall?
Unfeeling
Selfish
The shadows of bitterness and resentment form
Watching
Waiting
They want your heart and soul
What do you do when you have nothing?
When everything you love and care about turn to dust in your hand?
Sift through your fingers and get lost in the wind
Gone
What if you can’t see a light in that tunnel?
What if you are supposed to be in the tunnel
until you are returned back to the Earth?

I’m alive, but I do not live…
I expect nothing
because all I get is nothing
nothing… maybe not…
Disappointment
The most familiar feeling in the world to me
You cannot depend on humanity
The only thing you can depend on is yourself

When I was a child I pictured my life so differently
a white picket fence
a yellow lab
kids playing in the yard
a handsome husband working in my flower beds
a fulfilling career
a dream life
That never took it’s first breath
It was never born
and never will be brought to life

I chose my path clumbsily
fumbling in a dark hallway for the light switch
I fell and never got back up
I sleep in that bed I made
which will soon be my grave.

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Tags:

death, depression, despair, grief, hell, hopelessness, life, meaning and sadness