The Journey

Mark Bateman
Author: Mark Bateman
Word Count: 352
previous browse writing next

The Journey

My entry for the Star Twister 54 – prompt was spring. Max 350 words.

The Journey belongs to the following groups:

Short stories - Spherical Scriptings, Twisted Tales and WMG

Out of all the things Steve remembered, the one that stood out the most, was a spring.

He laughed at himself as he thought back. Yes he’d been nervous. He’d never been more than five miles from home before. But, leaving had definitely been the best thing he had ever done.

There were no hurried goodbyes. No tears straining to be released. No awkward silences and back patting. He’d boarded without looking back.

He closed his eyes and pictured the journey as he’d done a thousand times. He’d shaken his head in amazement as city became suburbs, which in turn changed to rolling farmland. Never before had he seen so many green fields stretching as far as the eye could see. He’d pressed his nose to the glass and watched in awe. It all looked so green. As if God had too much green paint left over, and simply poured it over the landscape.

And the animals. Proper cows, looking bloated walking on stilts amongst grass so luscious he thought he could eat it himself. And sheep with lambs, running, jumping and playing without a care. Even now he shook his head at the pure wonder of it all.

The sky had stretched out in a way he’d never seen. Living at the bottom of high rise flats and crowded terraces the most he’d ever seen of the sky was dizzy contorted views. But here the sun was shining, cotton wool clouds scampering leaving a wonderful, blazing blue that injected contentment into his every vein.

And then the spring. His mind always returned to that. Right under his left bum cheek. Every bounce or turn, every movement along that wonderful journey was accompanied by a squeak. It made him laugh out loud as he thought back. Some had stared at him. But what could he do?

He lay down on his bed, closed his eyes, and started the journey again. Contentment flooded his being once more. He didn’t hear the bell ring. Nor did he care that the heavy doors locked him in, as they would for the next thirty five years.

  • Jeannette Sheehy

    Jeannette Sheehy

    nice! I wondered if someone would write a story about bedsprings! I like the fact that your description of the countryside was one of spring first, and then the twist! Excellent writing again Mark. :)

  • Mark Bateman replied

    :D Thanks JLS. I’m still to read yours…

  • Zolton

    Zolton

    Great job, Mark. I do like your style.

  • Mark Bateman replied

    Hey! I have style? What – with my white socks and sandals and my t-shirt tucked into my shorts??

    Thanks Zolton..

  • Solar Zorra

    Solar Zorra

    Great twist Mark, I love going on your journeys, you paint your stories vividly. :) SZ

  • Mark Bateman replied

    Thanks very much Solar!!

  • Jeannette Sheehy

    Jeannette Sheehy

    are you going to post it in the forum?

  • Mark Bateman replied

    Belatedly – I always forget..

  • LadyOtilia

    LadyOtilia

    Beautiful and so sad in the end.

  • Mark Bateman replied

    Thanks Lady Otilia :)

  • Karin  Taylor

    Karin Taylorcommunity helper

    very much enjoyed reading !

  • Mark Bateman replied

    Thanks Karin!!

  • KMorral

    KMorral

    Lol…and here was me thinking you were talking about a water spring! Nice twist, love some of your descriptions- the scampering clouds and the excess paint especially!

    Sad he now only gets the views from memory, but at least he had time to get them..

  • Mark Bateman replied

    Thanks K Morral – thanks for the comments ref the descriptions too – I’m trying hard!!

  • ArcadiaTempest

    ArcadiaTempest

    Escaping the only way he could in the end…..really clever and poignant twist Mark…great use of the prompt twice! This is a really great twist….no red herrings just a good story that leads you along and flips you up….Perfect!!

  • Mark Bateman replied

    :D Thanks very much Arcadia. Looking forward to seeing your story.. Need some expanding ideas?

  • KMorral

    KMorral

    Trying hard? You make it seem effortless!

  • Mark Bateman replied

    You are being too nice! I must also add I try hard to win – but only manage that rarely!!

  • Matt Penfold

    Matt Penfold

    Great work Mark, though leading with a red herring is a bit cheeky LOL “leaving had definitely been the best thing he had ever done.” that threw me. I certainly didn’t see it coming. Excellent evocative writing and a sombre twist :-)

  • Mark Bateman replied

    I’m pleased I threw a twisting veteran such as yourself.. but this was genuine. I cut out the swathes of how poor his life had been…

  • John Braxton  Sparks

    John Braxton ...

    Great work, Mark, I feel flattered to have someone compliment on my work with your strong use of language! Great job!

  • Mark Bateman replied

    John – you are being too kind. But I thank you anyway – as I’m flattered to have someone compliment me on my work by someone with such strong language skills as yourself!

  • John Braxton  Sparks

    John Braxton ...

    Mark-
    Your skills are sharp and descriptive. My favorite line in this story is “As if God had so much green paint left and poured it simply poured it over the land” is an example of just one of your great depictions. Don’t beat yourself up so hard, for what you are seeking in your work, it sems to this reader, that you have already found it! Great job!

  • Mark Bateman replied

    Thanks very much John. I really appreciate your encouragement.

  • Zolton

    Zolton

    Congratulations!!! wooohoooo…

  • Mark Bateman replied

    Woo-hoo indeed! Thanks everyone for voting!

  • Jeannette Sheehy

    Jeannette Sheehy

    Congratulations Mark!!! excellent story! :)

  • Mark Bateman replied

    Thanks Jeannette!!

  • Jim Hall

    Jim Hall

    Subtle and smooth! Excellent twist! The Mark of a good write (no pun intended). JH

  • Mark Bateman replied

    Thanks very much Jim! I added an entry to the Twister Tournoi 05 (as you suggested) if you want to give me your feedback on that one..?!

Add your comment

You need to login or signup to add your comment to this work.

Tags:

journey, spring and ttst54