The Journey
My entry for the Star Twister 54 – prompt was spring. Max 350 words.
The Journey belongs to the following groups:
Short stories - Spherical Scriptings, Twisted Tales and WMGOut of all the things Steve remembered, the one that stood out the most, was a spring.
He laughed at himself as he thought back. Yes he’d been nervous. He’d never been more than five miles from home before. But, leaving had definitely been the best thing he had ever done.
There were no hurried goodbyes. No tears straining to be released. No awkward silences and back patting. He’d boarded without looking back.
He closed his eyes and pictured the journey as he’d done a thousand times. He’d shaken his head in amazement as city became suburbs, which in turn changed to rolling farmland. Never before had he seen so many green fields stretching as far as the eye could see. He’d pressed his nose to the glass and watched in awe. It all looked so green. As if God had too much green paint left over, and simply poured it over the landscape.
And the animals. Proper cows, looking bloated walking on stilts amongst grass so luscious he thought he could eat it himself. And sheep with lambs, running, jumping and playing without a care. Even now he shook his head at the pure wonder of it all.
The sky had stretched out in a way he’d never seen. Living at the bottom of high rise flats and crowded terraces the most he’d ever seen of the sky was dizzy contorted views. But here the sun was shining, cotton wool clouds scampering leaving a wonderful, blazing blue that injected contentment into his every vein.
And then the spring. His mind always returned to that. Right under his left bum cheek. Every bounce or turn, every movement along that wonderful journey was accompanied by a squeak. It made him laugh out loud as he thought back. Some had stared at him. But what could he do?
He lay down on his bed, closed his eyes, and started the journey again. Contentment flooded his being once more. He didn’t hear the bell ring. Nor did he care that the heavy doors locked him in, as they would for the next thirty five years.
Jeannette Sheehy
nice! I wondered if someone would write a story about bedsprings! I like the fact that your description of the countryside was one of spring first, and then the twist! Excellent writing again Mark. :)
Mark Bateman replied
:D Thanks JLS. I’m still to read yours…
Zolton
Great job, Mark. I do like your style.
Mark Bateman replied
Hey! I have style? What – with my white socks and sandals and my t-shirt tucked into my shorts??
Thanks Zolton..
Solar Zorra
Great twist Mark, I love going on your journeys, you paint your stories vividly. :) SZ
Mark Bateman replied
Thanks very much Solar!!
Jeannette Sheehy
are you going to post it in the forum?
Mark Bateman replied
Belatedly – I always forget..
LadyOtilia
Beautiful and so sad in the end.
Mark Bateman replied
Thanks Lady Otilia :)
Karin Taylor
very much enjoyed reading !
Mark Bateman replied
Thanks Karin!!
KMorral
Lol…and here was me thinking you were talking about a water spring! Nice twist, love some of your descriptions- the scampering clouds and the excess paint especially!
Sad he now only gets the views from memory, but at least he had time to get them..
Mark Bateman replied
Thanks K Morral – thanks for the comments ref the descriptions too – I’m trying hard!!
ArcadiaTempest
Escaping the only way he could in the end…..really clever and poignant twist Mark…great use of the prompt twice! This is a really great twist….no red herrings just a good story that leads you along and flips you up….Perfect!!
Mark Bateman replied
:D Thanks very much Arcadia. Looking forward to seeing your story.. Need some expanding ideas?
KMorral
Trying hard? You make it seem effortless!
Mark Bateman replied
You are being too nice! I must also add I try hard to win – but only manage that rarely!!
Matt Penfold
Great work Mark, though leading with a red herring is a bit cheeky LOL “leaving had definitely been the best thing he had ever done.” that threw me. I certainly didn’t see it coming. Excellent evocative writing and a sombre twist :-)
Mark Bateman replied
I’m pleased I threw a twisting veteran such as yourself.. but this was genuine. I cut out the swathes of how poor his life had been…
John Braxton ...
Great work, Mark, I feel flattered to have someone compliment on my work with your strong use of language! Great job!
Mark Bateman replied
John – you are being too kind. But I thank you anyway – as I’m flattered to have someone compliment me on my work by someone with such strong language skills as yourself!
John Braxton ...
Mark-
Your skills are sharp and descriptive. My favorite line in this story is “As if God had so much green paint left and poured it simply poured it over the land” is an example of just one of your great depictions. Don’t beat yourself up so hard, for what you are seeking in your work, it sems to this reader, that you have already found it! Great job!
Mark Bateman replied
Thanks very much John. I really appreciate your encouragement.
Zolton
Congratulations!!! wooohoooo…
Mark Bateman replied
Woo-hoo indeed! Thanks everyone for voting!
Jeannette Sheehy
Congratulations Mark!!! excellent story! :)
Mark Bateman replied
Thanks Jeannette!!
Jim Hall
Subtle and smooth! Excellent twist! The Mark of a good write (no pun intended). JH
Mark Bateman replied
Thanks very much Jim! I added an entry to the Twister Tournoi 05 (as you suggested) if you want to give me your feedback on that one..?!