Hayley Lees

The Characters

Honey
Charisma
Man & his Dog

The Scene: The beautiful fair-haired HONEY meets her best friend, the very leggy CHARISMA standing on a street corner. They chat while HONEY waits for the lights to change discussing the latest in beauty and fashion.

HONEY is standing straight-backed at the side of the road looking at the pedestrian crossing lights waiting for the little red man to turn green, CHARISMA walks up swinging her red handbag.

HONEY: Charisma, hi darling how are you? Oh I love that top, it really shows off your collarbones, and bones are definitely in at the moment, I’ve seen some amazing rib cages come out of Milan this season.

CHARISMA: Thanks, [tilting her head and putting her hand to her chest] I’ve been trying out this new eating disorder and it’s really been working, much better than that stupid Hollywood Atkins diet, cheeseburger hold the bun deal. I’m so sick of protein, it’s just easier to give it up all together.

HONEY: No, no I’m not good with eating disorders, I find I’m not disciplined enough. I’ve been thinking that I should just try and get worms, I’ve heard that if you’ve got worms you can eat anything you want and not get fat. Much better than burger followed by two fingers, how do you get hold of worms anyway?

CHARISMA: Well, our dog had worms for a while, kept dragging his arse all over the carpet, so we took him to the vet and she said he had swollen anal glands and worms. Maybe you just need to hang around with some dogs?

HONEY: No, I’m more of a cat person really.

CHARISMA: I’m sure cats get worms too, um, ringworm, yeah cats get ringworm. Reckon that could work?

HONEY: Yeah but that’s a fungus I think. I don’t need a fungus I need a parasite, I need a worm, preferably a tapeworm.

CHARISMA: Kids who’s got kids? They’ll have worms for sure.

HONEY: Well my aunty Lena’s got some little kids, but I’m sure if they got worms she’d be straight on it. They’re like so anal about their kids, one time they totally flipped out at me for feeding the baby some peanuts, and I mean aren’t nuts good for kids? And anyway I don’t like to see them more than I have to anyway, they’re always on my case about something, and I fucking hate being told what to do.

The red man turns green and they both look up and cross the road they don’t begin to talk again until they have reached the other side, where they turn 180° and again wait for the red man to turn green.

CHARISMA: God Honey! You’re not making this any easier, dogs are out, cats are too fungusy, kids are too clean, I mean if you want to look good you’ve got to work for it and beauty certainly isn’t on the inside, I mean who ever looks there? You need to either get better acquainted with these two fingers [holds up her index and middle finger and makes a gagging gesture] or find a worm.

HONEY: [despondently] Yeah I know.

CHARISMA: Oh come on, you’ve got to get serious about this. Being beautiful is what it’s all about and it’s just too bad if you’re not one of the beautiful people, look at us we’re beautiful and we’ll make it anywhere. Anyway sweetie I’ve got to run, some sick kid dinner, charity thing. Talk soon, ciao.

CHARISMA walks off leaving HONEY waiting at the lights again, looking up at the little red man. A man with a dog walks up beside HONEY

HONEY: [Looking down at the dog then up at the man] Hi, great dog, do you mind if I pat him?

The little man turns green and all three of them cross the road, HONEY patting the dog all the while, and they walk off stage.