Monday night began, as any other normal weeknight. Arrive home, fix dinner, fluff about a bit, when suddenly, out of the blue, I have a thought. Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.
So off I toddle to what’s to be, the site of my demise. The bathroom!!
It was one of those COLD wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax. You just rub the strips together in your hand. They get warm. You peel them apart. Press them to your leg, or wherever, and, hey presto!! The hair comes off.
Perfecto!! How hard can it be? I mean, I’m no genius, but I’ve got smarts enough to work with this.
So, I pull out one of the thin strips. They’re actually TWO strips, facing each other, and stuck together. Okay!! I get it!! but instead of having to rub them together to warm the wax, my GENIUS kicks in. I grab the hair dryer, and heat it to….1000 degrees. Huh!! Expediency!!!! ;-))
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight, and pull. Voila!!! It works!!
OK, so it wasn’t the BEST feeling I’ve ever had, but it wasn’t TOO bad. I can do this!!!! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah!! Fighter of all wayward body hair, and deliverer of smooth skin, extraordinaire!! :-))
With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking all the doors are closed, and the phone is off the hook, so as not to be disturbed, I toddle back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties, and place one foot on the toilet pedistal.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my, er…Mrs. Jones, and stretch it down to the inside of my butt cheek. It was a longish strip!!
I inhale deeply, and brace myself ………… RrrrriiiiiiiiiiP!!!!
I’m BLIND!!!!!!!!! Blind with pain!!!!….
OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! :-/////
Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off HALF the strip. BUGGAR!!!!
Another deep breath, and………….. RrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiP!!!!!
Everything is spinning!!! I’m seeing spots before my eyes!! I think I may pass out! Must stay conscious! MUST stay conscious!! Are they drums I hear?? Breathe woman! BREATHE!!!!
Okay! Deep Breaths, and normality is slowly returning!!
I want to see my trophy. The wax covered strip, with my hairy pelt sticking to it! My reward for being reminded of childbirth. I want to revel in the glory, that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip! :-))
There’s no hair on it. :-/
Where’s the hair? :-0
WHERE IS THE WAX :-(O)
Suspiciously, I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet seat. Oh! There it is! I see the hair! (The hair that should be on the strip, but isn’t)! I touch. I am touching WAX! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and MATTED HAIR!!! Then I make the next BIG mistake!! My foot is still propped upon the toilet. I know I need to do something, so……I put my foot down!!
Sealed shut! :-/
My butt is sealed shut!! :-//
SEALED PFARKING SHUT!!!!!!!! :-///
I penguin walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do next, repeatedly thinking to myself: Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may very well leave my shoulders! What do I do! What do I do!!!!! What can I do to melt the wax? “Ahhh”!! (insert thought bubble) “Hot water”!! Hot water melts WAX!!! I’ll fill a tub full of the hottest water I can stand, get in, immerse my wax-covered bits, and the wax will just melt. Then I can gently wipe it off. “RIGHT”???
I get in the tub.
The water is slightly hotter than they used to torture prisoners of war, or sterilize surgical equipment. I sit! Allow me to mention at this point, that the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, IS, I discovered, having them glued together AND, stuck to the bottom of a porcelain bathtub, IN, might I add, extremely hot water, WHICH, by the freekin’ way, DOESN’T EVEN MELT COLD WAX!!!. How come nobody ever told me that!!!!!!!!! :-/
So now I’m stuck to the bottom of the bathtub, as though I’d cemented myself there. God bless an ex, who’d convinced me a few months ago, to have a phone put in the bathroom. I always wondered why that was! Maybe he was psychic! :-/
I KNOW!!! ….. I’ll phone a friend!! Surely she’s waxed before, and has some clue on how to get me un-done.
“It’s me!” “So my butt and Mrs. Jones are glued together, and cemented to the bottom of the bathtub!!”
There is a slight pause!
She doesn’t know any tricks for removal, but she clearly knows enough to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks, hole, or what here?” I give her the rundown!!
The biatch is laughing at me!!!! I swear to God I can hear her laughing!!
She suggests I call the number on the side of the wax strip box. “Yeah!!!!! RIGHT!! Like I should be the brunt of someone’s joke”.
While we go through various other solutions, I resort to trying to SCRAPE the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goods covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the bathtub in boiling hot water, and THEN, the stubborn sticky wax being dry-shaved off.
Obviously, my brain is not working!! My dignity followed the bathwater down the plughole, and I’m more than a little sure, that if continued, I’d need post-traumatic stress counselling for the rest of my life. My friend is still talking to me, when FINALLY I spy my saving grace. The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax!! :-)))
What do I really have to lose at this point? “I’ve GOT it”!! I say, before ungripping and dropping the phone!
I rub some on, and, …. OH MY PFARKING GOD!!!!!!! :-(O)
The scream probably woke sleeping vampires!!
It’s SO PAINFULL!!!!!!! I’m clearly a woman on the edge because, ……….. I continue.
but it’s working!! :-//
It’s actually WORKING!!!!!!!! :-))))
I successfully wipe off the remainder of the wax, but then notice, to my grief and despair, the HAIR is still there!!!!! ALL of it!!!!
I grab for the razor……….and SHAVE the darned stuff off!!
I reckon at that point, I was so UNBELIEVABLY numb, I could have chewed off my own leg. :-/
Next Monday, I might give hair colouring a go!! :-)))