After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out, what has come to be known affectionately as a “gripe sheet” . It points out to the aircraft mechanics, problems encountered with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the same form; the pilots review the gripe sheet right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Listed below are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas’ pilots, (marked with a P), and the solutions, recorded by the maintenance engineers, (marked with an S).
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in
the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a extensive search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up and fly right .
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a Midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Confiscated the midget’s hammer.