and you don't need wings to fly

My foot reached the top step and I saw him through the crack of the half open fire door. He looked ordinary from behind, but when he turned at the noise of my footsteps, the look in his eyes made every other description impossible. I could even forget how high we were, how much of the world looked tiny from here.

The wind blew his tie into his face, and I would have laughed but for the pain that was tangible in the air. I wasn’t here to stop, I said. I was only here, to understand. To sympathise. To help.

He nodded, but it didn’t seem like the sad smile he gave me was one of gratitude. It looked more like sympathy returned. With a little pity. And before I could utter my well travelled speech of empathy, he held up his hand

Don’t think me ungrateful.
I know you’re kind.
I see the gentleness in the lines on your face

But you see
She could have hated me for anything
For forgetting to stroke the curve of her cheek
when she was afraid

Or never tangling my fingers through her hair
in worship

For not showing that her birthday was the day
I was most grateful for

For making her earn my hand in hers.

He looked down at his shoes, the tips of which were poking out into open sky, and reached into his pocket. Brought something shiny out, which nestled in his palm.

Instead, she hated me for not drowning her.
In these.

With that he half turned and flipped the small gold coin in my direction. He tilted his sad face to the sun. He stepped forward.

I had no shout of warning ready. I could not move my arms to catch. I could only stare. Because he did not fall. He just, wasn’t there anymore.

I stood there forever with the world passing by. Breathing in and out. Feeling pleasantly warm but for the coin which lay, uncomfortably sweaty in the palm of my hand.

My foot reached the bottom step, and sound returned. There were arms jostling me, but no grisly scene. Only a crowd of confusion, surrounding one especially tortured face. I walked to her and she opened her mouth in bitterness

Where is he?
I took her hand
Where is he?
I opened her palm
I dropped the coin
I closed her fingers around, so the gold could no longer be seen.

See? This is all he gave me.

No, I said. He gave you so much more. This is all you wanted.

I turned from the crowd and the noise, and the jostling confusion. I tilted my sad face to the sun.
I stepped forward.

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