Surgery. That was going to be mums’ mythical token of cure. We all held this token and it provided us all with comfort to deal with everyday life. As best we could.
I was working at an rsl club at the time. Making coffee and tea for avid bingo goers, cranky lawn bowl members and addicted gamblers. To these people the froth on their cappuccino was a major issue of their life. It was as if the temperature on that cuppa tea meant the difference between life and death. This dilemma over their beverages would lead me to snapping point I lasted there for a few more months. To me these issues weren’t problems not in comparison to what my mum was facing. I made my last cappuccino informing the poor lady that ordered it that it wasn’t a “fucking problem that the cappuccino didn’t have a good froth.”
Dad amazed me I couldn’t imagine being with someone for thirty years let alone facing the fact you might lose them. How do you stand strong against that? Dad was strong on the outside I used to wake up in the night and write him letters, which I never sent, trying to put into words that we all understood how he was feeling. The truth was we had no idea what it must be like.
The day mum came out of surgery my sister and I went up together.
Intensive care ward is so different to all the wards we have been accustomed with. To get in you had to wait at a locked door, then a nurse would come out to see if did have a right to come in. On entering we both looked around for mum. Lying in a bed that had her name was someone that resembled my mum but looked so frail and ill that it couldn’t possibly be the same lady we left last night. My sister and I were standing around the bed holding her hand taking in the new realization of our fears. It turns out that we weren’t much help being both queasy in hospitals a nurse saw our fading colour and we needed a place to sit.
Every night after work I would drive into the hospital car park and beep a tune on my car horn to let mum know that I was in my car and heading home. She could rest easy knowing that I was in my car safe, still worried at me leaving work at night on my own. I think I also used the horn as my way of letting her know that I was thinking about her, and I did every minute of my day.I visited mum in my shift break everyday. She was improving however so slow it was taking. During this time my relationship with my current partner was being strained. I wasn’t at home enough and couldn’t I have lunch at home on some days. It was at this point that I realized nothing was going to come between my mum and me. For years I had passed off spending time for the wishes of others, what was I thinking? My anger for Kelly turned to hatred and I couldn’t be in her life anymore. The separation of our life together was very difficult and just added to the emotional shit I was dealing with. It took six months to actually leave the relationship.
So here I was single, looking for work and actually growing up. All those years that I thought I had grown up, boy did I fool myself. In grown up land things did go wrong and you couldn’t just walk away. It wasn’t like I had imagined and this was just the beginning of my journey through adulthood. My tune was different now. I was now wishing I was back in kid hood where your parents are indestructible and your jeans always fit. This isn’t Kansas anymore Lou!