I remember the phone call like it was yesterday as I do with so many neighbouring occurances which would follow in the years to come.
“mum what’s up?”
She wanted me to come over home.
Time for family was always hard to find or should I say everything else seemed to come in front of them too easily. Until this day.
Mum said she had something to tell me and I gave the no time excuse and decided to receive the latest news over the phone.
“I’ve got cancer”
I didn’t hear the “ I’ve” or the “ got ” just cancer like it flew through the phone and knocked me on my arse.
Suddenly home was the only place I wanted to be and I had to get there now.
Funny how emotion can have such a physical effect I couldn’t walk to the door I just looked at my house mates and said two words “mum” and “cancer”. And then I dropped to the floor and howled uncontrollably.
House mates are great to do stuff with but come down to decisions greater than who is buying the next round they are not much help. Besides what do you say to someone who has just heard that their mum has cancer and is lying on the lino in a quickly growing puddle.
Mums’ house looked the same as it always had no indication of the fear and sadness inside.
Dad was calm and they explained the type and the reason and that it was nothing serious. Not that I could quite put not serious and cancer together. After the two hours of informing me of what they believed was going to be occuring I left to find comfort in my sister my ever reliable strength.
No words were spoken when I saw my sister I just looked at her knowing if a word was spoke it would break our control on our tears. Anger was felt with her. Mum had kept her diagnosis secret in order not to spoil our christmas. Mum always put the family first and this as it turns out would never change.
I don’t know what I felt just numbness with tears. I’d never seen the bond I had with my mum, how even the thought of losing her would leave me helpless. What could I possibly tell myself, what would replace this fear, this total feeling of sadness? Nothing…and that what I was denying myself…the knowledge that I was allowed to feel this that I didn’t have be this being of control. I could sob as much as I liked.