Possibility
I wrote this for the writing workshop prompt. It would help me to know if it seems too choppy and what emotion it evokes for you, the reader. I could see using this as a scene (with some modifications) for a character of mine…any feedback (specific to the above —or not) is always helpful for me and very much appreciated.
Possibility belongs to the following groups:
Writing WorkshopThe phone is where it should be, resting in its cradle. No need to check again. I’ve returned it to its proper place. I lift my hand, and tilt my head.
A bird has built a nest on the skylight, an unlikely location, though it’s been growing for days. I’ve watched the swell of the bowl take shape and have listened with interest to the expectant chirps and chatters of the sparrow pair.
Their voices now are silent. Perhaps they are absent, flitting about unaware, still searching for that perfect bit of dried grass to complete their nursery. Or perhaps they see what I see. One tiny egg, lying broken in an unforgiving body of cold hard glass. Spent upon the wind.
I wonder how they’ll take it. There should be more tucked away safely in their pebbled shells. Waiting for their chance to enter the world while snuggled together under a soft downy blanket. I hear a distinctive twittering and walk away, realizing I don’t want to know.
jcmontgomery
I don’t feel it too choppy at all. The emotion I feel is of someone waiting for news rather than having received it. Or he/she has received some news, but there is more to come, and she has to wait for it.
I like how you have associated the bird nest with something that has been building, about to come to fruition, only for all that work to come to naught, or perhaps that lost egg is merely a setback – a temporary one, and they will try again, as it is their nature to not give up so easily.
These are the impressions I am left with. Not sure of your intention, but I have to say this is written so well and the flow for me was fine.
Louise Kuskovski replied
Thank you J.C. your feedback is very helpful! I’ve been trying to sort out how to give an impression without being too blatant or too subtle and am never quite sure if I’ve hit the mark. This workshop has come at just the right time for me. Practice helps me. Thank you for the group!
kalaryder
I read this and felt that you had bad news of a family and were expecting more, but were unable to cope with the news to come. Agree, that it is not choppy.
Louise Kuskovski replied
thank you! it was meant to be a struggle and from family!
Zolton
Wonderful… I really thought this might relate to fertility. I don’t know if bad news or good news was receive (probably bad), but got the idea that it had something to do with child bearing or a child. It had a somber analytical feel of someone perhaps in shock that can’t express emotions at the moment.
Louise Kuskovski replied
Thank you Zolton for your thoughtful comments! And yes, I had fertility issues in mind when I wrote this, and that the narrator was conflicted about her response and what she felt it should be.
Jared D White
Your imagery is fantastic! I Think all the above comments hit on all that needs to be said.
Not choppy at all and would work well into a longer narrative
namrita
I really like the piece. You paint a beautiful picture.
I have posted an article, please do read and give me some feedback as well :)
Louise Kuskovski replied
Thank you! Sorry it has taken me so long to reply!!
Will take a peak at your article.
best,
Louise