The ambulance people
Stand in my living room
I sit covered in blankets
Poor Mum that’s all she could do
Like a ghost was I
I saw that look in his eye.
Poor git; Not ready for this
Just a young paramedic
My purple tongue; from all that wine
I looked in the mirror, and laughed
Shit. Maybe this time, I’ve done it
Maybe I’ve finally done it
Mother I’m sorry I can’t stop
the tears; They’ve always been with me.
All through my years
I hear the female stranger say
All blurry like.
You’re far too pretty to do this
You’re far too pretty for this
I knew she was only trying to help
But I just wanted to scream and yell
I’m a monster. I’m a fucking Frankenstein
All put back in place with nuts and bolts
No substance here
My Mother always said
“Oh it’s just a little phase”
But my poor wrists did ache
Those lashes served as time lines
Like a kind of map; You know how tree
Stumps have rings to show their age
Oh what have you done My darling?
Those words will always linger
Oh my poor, poor Mother
Caught so off guard; For you see
I was clever.
Painted on smile and horded away those tablets
for weeks.
I prayed no one would notice me
I thought I was so clever
Its years later now
It all feels like a dream
But I’m reminded when
My Mother Looks at me
She holds onto me, so tightly
The medication she hides away
When she knows her little girls
Coming to stay
The shame that’s what kills me
The fucking shame
That’s what remains
The Shame It Remains
Sometimes these memories haunt me, but mostly they give me passion to help. They fuel my need in life to help people. Young people any people. Just to help. It took a lot out of me to write this, but I just want to show you can come back so much stronger. I just want to help now.
notculpable, 4 months ago
Very touching. Fantastic flow.
Nicole Ryan, 4 months ago
that’s a very moving piece .. strength to you always
Janine Peterson, 4 months ago
That was powerful.
Rella, 4 months ago
Wow. The honesty in this is flooring. It’s inspirational that you have the strength now to reach out to others because it’s hard for people who haven’t been there to understand….just being able to relate to a piece of writing and know you aren’t alone can help so much :)
susan davies, 4 months ago
wonderfully written
Russell Holder, 4 months ago
Should I have read this correctly, you have come a long way “littleditty” and need to know we are proud of you and the effort it took to write this piece. Such fortitude… the strength it took to bare your soul… you honor us Bubblers. I, for one, applaud you and your striving to reach out and offer aid where it may make a world of difference! Bravo! You keep on writing, Girl, and know you have our support!
Asmah Najib, 4 months ago
That really is a powerful piece, I mean it. Keep writting. I engoy reading your works.
Jboo09, 4 months ago
Wow, wow, wow. Thanks for the honesty! I can relate in a sense, my sister attempted suiced twice and it terrified me to watch as she convulsed and foamed at the mouth after a self-inflicted drug-overdose…just hours earlier I had grabbed a razor from her hands as she was cutting her arms. Sad that this life can ever leave a soul so hopeless, and even sadder that those closest can sometimes miss how tormented we are inside. That’s my rant… sorry to blubber!
awsiv, 4 months ago
oh! .. that was wonderfulindeed … we can’t change what’s done.. we can just push them away, and helping others seems to be the best way… the shame – it acts as a wall that keeps us from repeating the same mistakes… but it is so painful again, to realize that the same wall seperates us from our loved ones…it crushes the trust underneath it… that’s life i guess.
i loved it.
Rachael Hope in reply to notculpable’s comment, 4 months ago
Thank you so very much. This work is very close to me which makes it so more special that you’ve read it
Rachael Hope in reply to Nicole Ryan’s comment, 4 months ago
Thank you so much for reading this It means more than I think you’ll ever know thank you so much
Rachael Hope in reply to Janine Peterson’s comment, 4 months ago
Thanks so much for reading! Sorry I took so long to get back to you it’s taken a bit of courage to read through the comments! Thank you so much
Rachael Hope in reply to Rella’s comment, 4 months ago
I’m so glad i’ve helped :) Thats the only reason I wrote it, I didn’t enjoy it very much!! But Just to know that people can see how far i’ve come from this and know they can do it too. Thank you Rella thank you so much for opening your heart up and reading!
Rachael Hope in reply to susan davies’s comment, 4 months ago
Thank you so much that means the world to me. I didn’t want to be crude with this yet I wanted under no circumstances to make it sound glamorous. Your comment has made me feel I have the right balance. Thank you so much
Rachael Hope in reply to Russell Holder’s comment, 4 months ago
Thank you so much your comment means the world to me. It was so difficult to write this but people need examples of recoveries, and need to know it is not glamorous. I’m dedicating my life to helping young people grow safely into them selves. Thanks so much for all your support thank you thank you thank you
Rachael Hope in reply to Asmah Najib’s comment, 4 months ago
Thank you so very much Asmah. I don’t think i’ll be writing anymore of this nature, it was very hard and took it out of me a lot. But your reading and commenting of it makes it all worth while. Thank you so very much thank you
Rachael Hope in reply to Jboo09’s comment, 4 months ago
I’m so sorry to hear you can relate to this and about the circumstances. Gosh I appreciate your feed back so much. I think there definitely needs to be better systems in place or even just more information out there to help young people growing up. That’s the route I’m pursuing now, talking to kids on a level. Hopefully one day I’ll have my own alternative therapy clinic for young people. Thank you so much again your comment means so much :)
Rachael Hope in reply to awsiv’s comment, 4 months ago
Thank you so much for reading this. I just wanted to show people that it is not a good route to follow and you can come back stronger. Life is hard sometimes and I think it takes the really rubbish times to help you find your path in life. This helped me find mine for sure. Thank you so much for reading and commenting!!!!! :):)
linaji, 4 months ago
Yes this is a great job Rachael, your thoughts of the past and what you still feel you carry. But you know as life moves us forward, at least for me, cause I have been there and done that.. I like to go down the river of ‘well being’ and from your comment above looks like your on it!!
well done!
Rachael Hope in reply to linaji’s comment, 4 months ago
Oh you’ve really tuned into me and the meaning of this poem linaji!! It means so much more than what is on the page. The underlying message, underneath all the pain is HOPE, and hope never really dies. We can all learn to live and love and breathe again xxxxxx
Metamorphosis, 4 months ago
Very powerfully written Rachael, thank you for sharing this, knowing that it took alot out of you to write it, I hope that the shame will go away.. as you have moved through that and come out stronger, and the fact that you want to help people and realise that there is hope- no matter what- shows what a beautiful heart and caring soul you have… more strength, hugs and love to you Rachael…. xxx
Dwayne Boyd, 4 months ago
I’m at a loss to know exactly what to say here. That aside, you have an absolute gift. I’m glad you’ve decided to use it for good. Rachael, I’m happy to have found you here on the bubble.
With respect,
Dwayne
Nicole Ryan, 4 months ago
i thought i’d responded to this a while ago .. i remember reading it .. it’s beautifully sad ..
[Its years later now
It all feels like a dream
But I’m reminded when
My Mother Looks at me]
ah, those eyes ..
these journeys make you stronger xx
greenbeards, 4 months ago
touching in the best sense.
lianne, 2 months ago
Rachael – I’m sorry I hadn’t read this until it was featured in Graphic Scratch. However, if I had, then as now, I’m not sure I could have put into words what it says to me, how it moved me, how closely I CAN and do relate to it. Aside from the fact that it is a brilliant poem, incredibly well written – the honesty in this piece reaches such depth that it overwhelms me. The love of my life – as well as my brother and my niece – suffer from bipolar disorder and a number of associated disorders that contribute to the terrible despair, the lack of self-identity, a sense of worthlessness and boundless shame for feeling just that way, the bottomless depression that can and too often does lead to suicide attempts. Let go of the shame – there is nothing to be ashamed of – and help her to love you in a way that will make you stronger always. That you are a survivor – and one with the courage to help others be survivors too – is a testament to your own inner beauty, your strength, and courage few can understand. This, Rachael, is not just art, it is gift and inspiration beyond all else. Thank you!
Yasemin Sumner, 2 months ago
Thank you for this, Rachael. This is courage of the finest kind. xxx
LindsayWalton, 2 months ago
Relationships and sharing of stories is powerful. I think that’s what gets us all through. You’ve put your experiences to print in a way that I’m sure a lot of people can relate to. All the power to you for putting yourself out there to help others in healing. That’s awesome.
Silvia Manuela, 2 months ago
Strong and sensitive writing, Rachael, very giving of yourself.