Honestly, with sincerity I say that I, as a cultivated human being am qualified as man kind. I have never have wrong intentions on others that meant to harm, to undermine, to fan up, to look down upon. No, I never initiate evilness like that!
In life, if I perceive that someone could be my threat, someone I feel unfamiliar with and less fond of, then I just avoid those. I go around from issues that could mean sensitive to both encounters. I often feel that competition is hard to take for it’s painful to me even I won because I know that’s not a nice feeling to the so called loser. Such a conscious feeling was much stronger in me before, nowadays I seem used to confrontation of competition a lot of more. Still I’m much a fun of volleyball game, instead of the very physical competing basketball games. I love tennis too. I love the performing sport- figure-skating, the best.
However, I do remember that once in my life I was on the edge of a mean bastard. It was not a lasting thing, not even a start actually. But I could clearly remember that story. Why I could not forget that print in mind? I guess that’s my first experience of conscious conscience. It happened when i was about 4 or 5 years old.
I grew up on a vast black soil land. It was drought period in history’s 60s last century during that time; political climate changed fiercely, irregularly. Yet still the soil there was so rich, it brought up me with spiritual essence enough. And I thank my father who had given me great inheritance as a natural being.
Yes time can fly…
It’s back many years ago when sky was sometimes so grey like my bored little heart that felt lonesome without many friends around. But I could stand that by being wonderfully alone at any place pondering. But a lot of times I was under the a joyful blue sky decorated with cotton white clouds dancing with their clumsy steps.
In my fancy full childhood, along the roadside I often was jumping high to my elastic rubber band with all kinds gym techniques or dancing assortments, with friends, or mostly on my own. We did not have special facilities for children in those poor years. I had my long rubber band hanged between a lamp pole and a little tree; sometimes i had to find a little stool or stone to deal with a difficult situation. I was a happy child.
Yes, I was quite alone. There were two neighbor girls a bit elder than me, they lived in next community yard, it seemed they were richer, cleaner, haughtier to me, I couldn’t get very close to those two girls. There was one boy he was the same age as me living in our big yard community near the road side from family Meng. They were really nice and sweet people. Yet as a little one I already had the idea since he was boy, I was a girl, we should not get too close. Therefore there was only one family’s children left for me to be friends with- a Korean family; they might came from North Korean origin, or just by chance being border population. ( I have no clear idea how there came two Korean nations, how complicated that issues was. ) They had two girls, one of my age, the other as young as my young sister. They lived near the gate of our community yard. Our home stayed a bit deeper inside of the rounding big yard.
When the Korean family just came to this community as newcomers, one day I met their first daughter – Xiang, of course. We played together with things like sands… or a potato or a wooden toy, whatever, I can’t recall. What I could know was that Xiang talked very awkward Chinese. She was trying hard to make the Chinese pronunciation right, I remember.
At that age, I didn’t have any idea about foreigner, immigrant, minority group; no one told me how to be nicer and patient to a foreigner, either. But in a flashing moment, I seemed formed the first and the last time an evil idea about another human being ; the echo in my head was: How strange she was! she could not even talk words excellently. And that seemingly meant a “inferior” quality of her to me. Yes, it was a sliding, vague evil concept formed up in my tender, young mind. And the idea was not even staying longer than a minute. We just played.
Like any other kids playing together, at a moment we had a little quarrel. It seemed one grabbed something, the other wanted to get that too! Finally it ended up that I had to run off the play and run back home to the deeper part of our community. She was chasing me behind. I felt the tension and emergence. On the way of running my little mind was running fast too. Suddenly I stopped. I stood still turning around using my little hand, I slapped on her cheek. She finally stopped chasing me. She was stunned and started crying. Holding her hand on the left side of her face, she walked back home slowly talking to herself some Korean… Then I could go back home on my own feeling strange.
After a little while, Xiang’s mum held Xiang’s hand coming to our door, talked to my mum or grandma, which I can not recall. Xiang was specially taken in front of me. Removing her hand from her cheek, Xiang mum said: "Look, how you did this? it’s all red here, please look. " I don’t remember how my family apologized and how they made some kind compensation to make things good. But I still remember Xiang’s mum’s blaming voice which went sadly low, her face spoke just innocently hurt, without hate.
Xiang’s mum was a tall, strong woman, much taller than her husband-a round chunky guy who loved boxing. Her face was quite white, wider, with high cheeks and she had full lips, much thicker than average Asian lips. She talked Chinese with some accent. Magically, later I became a regular guest to that family. They had a home even smaller than ours. The only room for sitting and sleeping was filled up with a stove bed, which was the specialty from up North of East Asian, it’s called “Huo Kang”. Their Kang was painted yellow with vanish on top.We sit on the heated warm bed. Xiang’s mum cooked very thin pancakes ..hmmn.. with spring onion taste, lot of eggs in it, looked almost transparent! She also made vege salad from potato’s etc, so we could make wrapper. We sit around a lower, squared table enjoying Xiang mum’s cooking. Stretching legs under the table sometimes touched each other. Xiang and I, my sister and Xiang’s sister gradually became friends. There was not any more children’s fight.
I haven’t met them as adults. But i heard that Xiang’s sister-Ying later went to Japan working and earned a lot of money for her mother. I never can forget the warmth from their shiny, stove bed…Huo Kang.
It has been questioning myself: why i could stop running to hit her ? I know I was just 5 years old, I liked my smart idea since I was thinking how I could get rid off the chasing, the danger. I was not intending to just make her hurt. But I am pondering: was that moment of evil thought on her shortcoming in language had played a role to the naughty action I took ? I don’t have the exact answer.
However I do know I had had a wrong consciousness to a little friend at five years old. Even that little wrong thought about my fellow human kind, it worked out a kind of bad karma later in a funny way. I was really an innocent bubbler while first time entering the cyber world. I seemed starring. But suddenly I got some Mars Attack out of the blue! It included a Korean flag carrier, whom i hardly had any contact with. Why she was there fiercely using her killing intentions on me many times? Why she was there across the road shamelessly doing the "dief calling dief " thing ? I had no answer but was just wondering hard at that moment But she changed to good later; she showed her very sorry face on her new avatar. I think she learned that attacking another fellow being that way was wrong. And now she is such a wonderfully great human being. i know that she is my sister! my elder sister. im the younger one.
Yet now I try to figure out if the wrong thought I had had to the Korean little girl conveyed me on this funny lane of karma route for the return? Then this does prove the existence of consciousness in universe which influence us in both positive and negative sense; that depends on one’s heart. And I have been thinking why the other day happened that hell burning sand storm in Sydney coincidentally? While a small group were conducting bully again. My thoughts bring me to the connection between and among religions- the myth of conscious world…
Copy right. 23 October 2o10.
A childhood story..