SWIMMING HOLE

I RETURNED TO THAT SWIMMING HOLE THIS LAST SUMMER. THE BEACH WAS NOT THE SAME AS I RECALLED. MORE DESOLATE NOW, MORE PEOPLE GONE SOMEWHERE ELSE TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT.

I SAT DOWN ON THE SANDS BY MYSELF AND LOOKED OUT ON THE WATER WHERE SMILE AFTER SMILE RETURNED AS I HEARD MY FATHER AND MOTHER SCREAM .. “COME IN OUTTA THAT WATER YOUNG LADY.. COME IN NOW!!” I FLASHED ON MY ATTITUDE OF JUST IGNORING THEM AND THEN FEELING A SERGE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT IN DOING SO. I LOVED TO SWIM AND I WAS LIKE A DOLPHIN THEN.

HERE I WAS YEARS LATER,LEARNING TO SWIM AGAIN LEARNING TO LET GO OF RESISTANCE TO ALL THAT SEEMED TO KEEP ME APART FROM MY JOY. LETTING GO OF THE NOT ENOUGH NESSES AND THE I AM TOO THIS OR THAT’S.

I ASKED MYSELF WHAT HAS CHANGED FOR ME NOW THAT I SIT HERE REMEMBERING SOME OF THE FEELINGS I USED TO POSSESS. IN A WAY I WAS FEELING LIKE THERE WAS SOMETHING I SHOULD REMEMBER. WAS IT ALL THE BIG BOYS THAT USED TO LOOK AT MY FAT LITTLE BODY AT 12 AND THINK WHATEVER BOYS THOUGHT OF FAT GIRLS… CAUSE IN THE WATER I WAS A POWERFUL GIRL. I COULD BODY SURF WITH THE BEST! BACK THEN I NEVER THOUGHT PAST THAT FIRST THOUGHT OF ‘NOT ENOUGHNESS’ WHEN I WAS IN THE WATER. I REMEMBER WHEN THE THOUGHTS CAME UP AROUND THE FEELINGS OF LACK OR FEAR, I WOULD CLOSE MY EYES AND FEEL MY INNERDS LIKE THEY WERE MADE UP JUST LIKE A DOLPHIN! I WOULD SECRETLY QUACK LIKE ONE AND BOB MY HEAD UP AND DOWN AND FEEL THE WATER RUSHING AT ME AND DIVE RIGHT IN. I WOULD DIVE THROUGH THE WAVES AND FEEL THE RUSH OF LIFE AND EXPECTATION THAT KNEW NO BOUNDS. FUNNY THING IS, WHEN I DID THAT NOTHING MATTERED THAN THAT I FEEL GOOD …NOTHING.

ONE DAY IN THE WATERS WHEN I WAS IN A PARTICULARLY AMAZING STATE OF JOY, ONE GUY SWAM RIGHT UP TO ME. HE MUST HAVE BEEN 17 AND HE SWAM SO VERY NEAR THAT I FELT HIS WARMTH, OR SO IT SEEMED. HE HAD STEEL BLUE EYES AND BLACK BLACK HAIR AND I WAS IMMEDIATELY IN LOVE.

ALL HE DID WAS LOOK AT ME AND SAY WITH ALL THAT WAS HIM, I FEEL YOU TOO, RIGHT NOW I FEEL YOU TOO. I WAS SHOCKED AS I DID NOT SEE HIS LIPS MOVE NOR DID HIS EYES WAVER FROM ME. WE BOTH LOOKED BACK AND APPROACHING US AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT WAS THE BIGGEST WAVE I HAD EVER, EVER DECIDED TO RIDE. HEY, DID I SAY I WAS GOING TO ACTUALLY RIDE THAT WAVE? SOME WAVES WHERE TOO DAMN BIG! BUT I FELT SOMETHING BEYOND ME AND I GOT INTO POSITION AND WAS READY TO TAKE THIS WAVE FOR ALL THAT I WAS BECOMING. AND I DID. WHAT A FEELING IT WAS TO CATCH SOMETHING SO BIG AND SO GRAND RIDING IT SO PERFECTLY THAT I RODE IT STRAIGHT UP TO THE BEACH! THERE STOOD MY FATHER AND MOTHER. THEY HAD BEEN DOING THEIR SHOUTING THING I GUESS AND THOUGHT I HAD HEARD THEM. THEY SMILED AS THEY KNEW THIS WAS ONE WAVE THEY HAD NEVER SEEN ME RIDE. AS I CAME UP TO THEM SO PROUD AND SO EXHILARATED I REMEMBERED IMMEDIATELY MY NEW FRIEND AND TURNED TO FIND WHERE HE HAD ENDED HIS RIDE. THERE WAS NO ONE AT ALL IN THE WATER! THE TIME WAS LATE AND I GUESS MY PARENTS TOLD ME LATER THAT DAD WAS READY TO SWIM OUT TO FETCH ME AS I HAD BEEN WHAT THEY CALLED BILLIGERENT.

AS I RELAXED INTO MEDITATION WITH THIS STORY ON MY MIND, I REMEMBERED WHAT I HAD THOUGHT THEN. WET AND DRIPPING FROM A SENSE OF EXPANSION I COULD NOT QUITE FATHOM BUT FELT WITH ALL THAT WAS ME, I SMILED TO MYSELF AND SAID ONLY TO MY HEART, ‘THAT IS EXACTLY WHO I WANT TO MEET SOMEDAY, THAT NICE PERSON THAT FUN MAN THAT GUY WHO LIKED ME IMMEDIATELY FOR JUST ME!’

I BREATHED IN DEEP AND THOUGHT HOW AT THAT MOMENT IN MY LIFE I HAD NOT YET DEVELOPED THE STORY I WAS TO LATER ACCEPT; THAT THE WORLD WAS HARD AND THAT ONLY THOUGH HARD WORK AND TOUGH RESOLVE DID YOUR DREAMS EVER HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CHANCE OF COMING TRUE.. YES THOSE UNSATISFYING LESSONS OF LACK AND SCRAPING FOR EVERYTHING ONE GOT. WHEN I USED TO SWIM IN THIS OLD SWIMMING HOLE LIFE WAS ALWAYS THE WAY I WANTED IT AND BELIEVED IT TO BE, JOYOUS WITH ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES.

TAKING ANOTHER BREATH AND EXPERIENCING ANOTHER SMILE, I WAS READY TO SWIM AGAIN, ONLY THIS TIME I WAS GOING SWIMMING IN THE SWIIMMING HOLE I WAS BORN INTO. THE ONE THAT HAD ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES AND ENDLESS DREAMS. AND AS THE BREATH OF MY LIFE TOOK ON A GRAND VIBRATION I ALLOWED MYSELF TO FEEL MY WILLINGNESS TO DIVE STRAIGHT IN AND BELIEVE.

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