Right Where I Am: The Art of Understanding
Sailing Home and Trust
My father said: ‘darling’
I do not understand where you are going
I do not understand what you are saying
I do not know why you feel like leaving home
I told him I did not know where I was going
And what I am saying is just words
But would he put his hand on my heart and listen to it beat
While I say these things that come to me out of ‘feeling’
Here I am father born afraid because
The world I was born into is living in fear.
I came into this life a complete and whole
Being of knowledge and heart
But you beat it out of me.
Do not listen to my own feelings as my guide
But to yours.
You began to train me to depend on others for my direction and happiness
for you said:
I have lived this life longer and am older than you
So I know more
And you said:
do as I say
and at times, not as I do.
For many of your decisions father did not make you
And I forgot what it felt like to trust my feelings.
I forgot that my emotions really only register
A positive feeling
A negative feeling
And I became a part of the world of stories
and left my best guide, my feelings behind
I began to use my head and not my heart
life became so much
manipulating; people, places and things
And began to learn
if I acted as you desired you would be happy,
(even then I disappointed you countless times)
and when I seemed to live as you desired
you were happy for the moment
But I was only happy because I pleased you
Thus began the belief that my happiness depends on how others ‘re-act’ according to how I ‘act’ around others.
You put these stories on my heart father and told
Me to love ‘this’ but not love ‘that’
(for reasons stemming from your experience, not mine)
And the further I got from trusting my feelings
as my guide
I became a longing witch.
There was not enough love in the world to sooth me.
My feelings began and ended in mental story lines and thinking that
I could rework life instead of trusting that life works ‘with’ me.
There were ‘reasons’ for everything.
A reason to love you
A reason to hate you
A reason to listen
A reason to lie
A reason to take
A reason to give (as long as I got mine).
It seems this God you tell me to trust is never around as you lock your doors and listen to news that tell you beware; Your neighbors are killers and pederasts.
I have discovered as of late the me that is always around for me. And father, I choose to begin creating a world that I like to live in and that pleases me.
Lately, I trust how I feel in any given situation. And if I do not feel good I look to my thinking. I am discovering it is there that I can make a choice to find a way to relief by choosing a better feeling thought. It seems when I do this; when I listen to me and how I feel, I attract better experiences in my life and I am smiling more and feel more ease in my day. I have begun to trust my neighbor because I trust that my point of attraction if kept directed towards the world I desire (again father, by choosing thoughts of how I desire my life to be created), brings me people that are of similar vibration.
I am choosing my thoughts these days father, and I choose them by how they make me feel. So today when I decided all at once to ‘go’ I felt so happy. I will sail in a direction I have never sailed toward and Oh! The excitement and the juice that begins to churn inside me father, can you feel it?
(My heart was beating mightily now)
My Dear Father,
I do not know where I am going but I ‘feel’ I am going toward the next most logical step.
My words are only signposts for it is the greater part of me that arranges the way towards all that I am becoming. I take care only of where I am going NOW. My words that create the stories in my life are more creation based stories with lots of room to tac right or left, forward or backward at any given moment. I am leaving home because my feelings sputter new levels of joy I have never known before. I want to feel like I am never finished and never done.
…I took my fathers hands from my heart. He had a new woman in his life that was not my mother and I felt he was happy. So then I was too.
He shook my hand as if I were a friend and bid me farewell. I don’t think he heard a thing I said but his whole being felt ALL OF ME.
How do I know that?
Because I felt so good as he walked away.