The Seduction
We all know how seductive vampyres can be but…..
The Seduction belongs to the following groups:
Blood Red - All things vampiricHis toothy grin could charm the very divil himself. It was lopsided, and one fang had gone in a fight with a sumo wrestler, but this did nothing if not increase the boyish appeal of the guy. He was Elzor, son of Portus. Convert in 564 BC by the great Prince Drakoff of Imladia at the age of seventeen, he had remained from that date unchanged – with the exception of the fang which had never grown back for reasons beyond the knowledge of even the greatest of the physicians Mercurio Arturous Pravda. Elzor, boy vampyre and eternal lover – awkward, fool-hardy, irresponsible, and desired by almost every vamp that walked. He was everyone’s friend, everyone’s lover, everyone’s delight.
Used to, then, was he to the approaches of the female (and male) and little heed paid he except to play the games that teens still play. And if they all fell in love with him, and he them, then none were ill for this for the fascinations were light hearted and never serious as an adult might experience for another mature creature.
Used to, then, was he to the approaches of others in their carefree banter and sexual teasing tensions.
But this one was different.
She was different.
She came to him, one night, and awakened in his heart – in his existence – a new thing, a desperate thing, a pleading and aching thing. She was not like the others. Her offerings bound him like chains; her promises entwined him like iron cables; her presence laid heavy on him from that time onwards, day and night and he slept not, but thought over and over of her.
He could not take her – not as he should. She was not converted and would have been easy, but her skin where he needed her most was covered in death, tattooed with the symbol of his destruction. He needed her, he wanted her, he existed only for her – but could not have her.
The smile was gone. The youth was gone. He was brought to the edge of his very being by his need for her – this temptress, this seductress. Until finally, she clutched him to her bosom, and the crosses burnt through him and he was destroyed.
And they all wept for him.
But he was gone.
Damian
Great work; the ending was really interesting! I don’t think I’ve seen that used before :)
lightsmith replied
I always thought it a simple but practical defence against the big Vs but have never considered it personally. (uh-oh, now they know!). Thanks Damian :)
Arletta
Interesting. Could use a little work, but, nicely done all the same.
lightsmith replied
I created it for a challenge so it was created in about 3 minutes. I don’t like to revise (apart from obsivous errors like this one) though often will do so later. ‘Interesting’ is definately an adjective (or even adverb) that I like :)
Arletta
lol I wasn’t at all trying to give advice; just, I wouldn’t want to mislead anyone else. I know that YOU know it might just be that you are not the most perfect writer in the universe, but, goodness knows, if I intimated that you were and then I later gave someone advice on how the use of an occasional comma, paragraph, or correctly spelled word would enhance their writing tremendously, that someone – if history has taught me anything- will be up in arms over how I am simply picking on them, because I never say that to the writers that I like.
So, writer that I like – who is, in fact, one of my favorite writers that are alive today – you could definitely use more commas.
I really do love your writing.
lightsmith replied
I like commas, AND hyphens but semicolons are my favourite :) only I very rarely think to use them LOL. Don’t worry, I value all compliments and criticisms, yours especially.
Dalton Sayre
Great short. Definately an origonal concept. Very well done.
lightsmith replied
I’ve always felt a little sorry for the creatures of the night. Thanks Dalton.
Denzil
Hhhhmmm, I think you use precisely the correct number of commas – if you read this aloud, the commas and the other punctuation supply exactly the right signposts for accurate interpretation – in my only slightly expert (ex-editor) but nonetheless humble opinion.
All that aside, I found this piece instantly captivating, I was immediately translated to a past and different time, and the progress of the story was sustained to the very satisfying ending.
Well done – loved it!
lightsmith replied
There’s at least one too many – a comma should not come before a ‘but’. Never mind. I needed to write with the feel of a 16th century writer but I need more practice. Anyway, I enjoyed it and am so glad that you did too.
Paul Rees-Jones
I liked the story light, but I always put commas before a, but…
Good read!
lightsmith replied
LOL. Knowing I shouldn’t doesn’t stop me, but there you are ….. he he he
Arletta
mmm yes an old electrolux, a ream of paper, a few well placed semi-colons; and, thou!
lightsmith replied
Sometimes my works need a colonoscopy – to ensure they are all in the right places LOL
* RoyAllenHunt *
Nicely done. Great premise for a full on story.
lightsmith replied
Thanks Roy – I kind of like the idea of a Banjo Patterson type poem but nothing’s come to me yet…..
Angel0418
cool, I like it. very interesting.
lightsmith replied
Thanks Angel :)
MistressZombie
brilliant.