Befuddled, Bamboozled and Betrayed
READER BEWARE: what follows is a perhaps tedious, lengthy, self-indulgent bit of prose that reflects a somewhat disheartened spirit today. Tomorrow will be another, better day, I’m sure. Lay the blame for it – should you manage to get through it all – on the fact that today I accomplished the tense task of filing my taxes – lol. (And to give credit where credit is due, I borrowed the phrase tense task of taxes from my dearest friend, Joan Ireland.)
All my adult life, if you asked me who I was
I’d have responded in this order:
I’m a teacher, a reader, a political animal,
a private, part time writer as a means of
personal expression only, a thinker.
Then I’d have added wife, mother, daughter,
sister, friend, kind of artsy-craftsy artist of
no note whatsoever.
Teacher – that’s how I identified myself
first and foremost.
For the last 25 years of my teaching career
I taught sociology, social justice and religion
to high school seniors.
My passion was justice –
in politics, in the economic arena, for the poor,
for the middle class who were caught
in the struggle between those who have
too much and those who have too little,
justice for the oppressed –
for reasons of race or creed at home or elsewhere -
in El Salvador, which broke
my heart, the Sudan, Ethiopia,
East Timor, Tibet,
justice in the Middle East,
justice… giving each sacred human being his
due, his basic human rights that exist simply and
undeniably because he’s a human being,
justice for the environment we all share,
justice – period.
And I tried not to just talk a good game
in the classroom but to model it,
to get my students involved in
taking care of their little piece of turf
to make a difference,
teaching them, by example, I hoped,
how to be critical thinkers
and problem solvers,
good decision-makers who regard the
needs of others at least as equal to their own.
I engaged them and others in what
I hoped was intelligent debate,
engaged myself in political campaigns,
the occasional protest against wars
or the rape of the middle class
or toxic waste.
I gave that all up – most of it unwillingly,
beaten, I suppose,
by forces against which I apparently
had no weapons at all.
Gave up the husband to colon cancer
and a heart attack, linked by the
government’s own admission to
Agent Orange and his time in Vietnam,
the children to freedom, pursuing their
own paths in distant parts of the country,
the friends to distance too.
But I gave up teaching for other reasons
and they are what trouble me today.
I tired of the struggle frankly –
The students I faced in that final five years
were very different than those
I’d taught in the first twenty –
more spoiled, more self-indulgent,
academically lazier, with little intellectual
curiosity and a kind of brainwashed political
ideology handed on over the dinner table
by ruggedly individualistic parents – when
they ever had dinner together.
These students, whether children of affluence
or children of struggle, had become hedonists
or escapists with no interests beyond material purchases,
the virtual reality of video games and computers,
the casual sex of entitlement, parentally supplied
alcohol or pervasive recreational drugs.
I saw even very good schools graduating
functionally illiterate young men and women,
universities unable to remediate that failure,
standards declining, literacy rates dropping,
a cultural negligence of all trying to seek
the lowest common denominator within
a grossly overindulged youth mindset.
When even the school administration supported
parents who wanted their babies to have fun instead
of challenging assignments or homework, I left.
When I no longer had the wherewithal, even
in partnership with other like-minded people
to affect educational standards at all, I quit.
Politically, I was bamboozled once too often
and betrayed by those whose lofty rhetoric
was left behind after election,
like dusty volumes in an anachronistic library,
when confronted by the wheeling and dealing of
contemporary government. I sincerely
still believe, as I once so idealistically did
and adamantly taught,
that no single politician cansubstitute charisma for character or the.
courage to lose for telling the whole truth
The last such politician to tell the unadulterated,
unvarnished truth was Jimmy Carter –
who spoke honestly about our malaise of spirit
and was promptly trampled for his truth
by wrathful patriots hungrier for sugarcoating
and slogans than for substance.
It only took another twenty-two years for him
to win the Nobel Prize and be recognized
for the decent, honorable, quietly determined,
peaceful man he was. That won’t win me kudos
I’m sure from big defense advocates, but
I’ll take peacemaking over saber rattling any day.
So I’m disheartened, disabused, and
feeling hollowly empty of purpose. I fear
for those who still cling with sincere
hearts and strong conviction to dreams of
big change tied to the raft of rhetoric.
But perhaps I’m just an aging cynic
who has outlived her usefulness.
In the shelter of my own small circle
of affairs, I feel more in control
and less befuddled, bamboozled or betrayed.
Megishere
Deep Sigh, Wow, how beautifully you expressed your indignation and resignation. I wonder did Sisyphus feel increasing frustration as time wore on, or was it set on maximum for all eternity? Your task as social reformer and High School teacher sounded Sisyphean to me. Bravo for trying! I’ll bet former students would tell you that you did change minds and lives. The right thing to do is always the right thing to do. God Bless you for doing it and modeling it to others.
lianne replied
Thank you Meg – I seldom get so low, really, and I am comforted to a degree by knowing that quite a number of my students became teachers themselves, others doctors and lawyers who I hope practice with compassion. It’s not the past so much that troubles me – it’s the future about which we often seem so blase. But thank you so much for the vote of confidence, good friend.
saleire
To add to the confusion…...I am bewitched, bothered and bewildered…...with you. You….as a teacher have shown the way to many young adults…and though it might not mean much to them today..later, when they need it….your words will come shining through. You can only plant the seed and wait…..it will either fall on the wayside, or fall on fertile ground…....I am sure with your nurturing…..your words, your guidance will have found a place in many hearts and will grow into something stronger. As a teacher you have been blessed with the knowledge that even if you have changed one life for the better you have not lived your life in vain my dear dear Lianne…....but you have not only changed one life…..you have shared your wonderful knowledge with many and they will go out and share that with others…and so the tree of knowledge, love and light shines on and grows far bigger than you could ever imagine.
So…...my dear, sweet, wonderful Lianne…....be proud that you were a part of that growth and know that the world is changing, not for the best, but you did your best and that is all anyone can do.
So…...rest easy my friend…and lay back and enjoy the years you have to be in love, to enjoy the flowers and the light of every day…...because you deserve all the sweet living any human being can have.
You have made a difference to my life my friend….and many here would agree that you are the most loving, caring person I have the pleasure of knowing.
With love and many hugs, Sal xxxxxxx
lianne replied
Dearest Sal –
I do know that for some special few I made some difference and for a very long time, that was enough. As I said to Meg, it’s not the past that troubles me, it’s the future and a strong sense that there is little in the way of a very long slide into even less than mediocrity. I am proud, dear one, of what I could do – perhaps improperly so – lol. But…. and maybe it’s because I AM getting older and control is way beyond my grasp if I ever had any at all – lol – or the current political climate, this ghastly war, the knowledge that no matter who is elected President it will do little to change the underlying realities of contemporary life, – just sometimes, once in a blue blue moon thank God – I get tired of beating my head against a stone wall. Rofl. You on the other hand, just by being the amazing creature of grace that you are – lift me always to a higher plane and I can smile at my melodramtic self! Thank you so much Saleire for the treasure of your friendship!
boydmiller
My heart aches with recognition of this struggle, I have been there and return there more often than I like to admit…I was in the sit ins in mississippi, the war ins in california, johns and bobbys an martins assinations, taught in Job Corps for ten years, was admimistrator of welfare programs, jobs programs for the poor, and saw it all fade to black as conservative republicans gave our country to corrupt and selfish corporations and judged the movie too far behind the times….my salvation has been my artist self….we are all eloquent writers when it is from the heart…..good work unpublished is still good work…you taught your students about the ills of judgement…..teach yourself to be kinder to your spirit….the spirit I see and love in your experssions and kindness you have shown and made a friend…..love and peace…from an old hippie…..boyd
lianne replied
I thought for a time, from the moment of Bobby Kennedy’s assassination and throughout the first Nixon term that I should not be able to stand it, honestly. I too was a part of some of those movements as far as I was able and it was not art but teaching that restored my spirit. Art came later, though I have always written – privately at least – and yes, that helped too. Generally I am if not always an optimistic person, at least I tend toward hopefulness for brighter tomorrows so I apologize for the apparent pessimism expressed here. I shall bounce back – lol. Somehow, Boyd, your novel in a paragraph distressed me so much on top of what’s going on in the country and the world, in politics and in the name of patriotism or nationalism or whatever ism is prevalent at the moment, that I laid awake a good part of the night trying to identify the source of my declining spirit. But I am better now – thanks to you and these wonderful, talented, expressive, caring friends I’ve found here. Just love and admire all of you so very much – it’s such a joy to share one’s spirit – all of it – with people who actually give a damn what you think and how you say it!!! Much much love, affection and respect – one
not quite hippie to one real one – Lianne
aspectsoftmk
lianne….dear lianne…everyday is new…..everything that happens today is because of yesterday…and tomorrow is not here yet..this is why i dream.
i am a kind, loving and honest person..i will never harm intentionally…i love freely with no expectatins..except forgiveness if needed. i would give someone life over mine. i feel my way thru life…i create a better world….i am a teacher.
i do this because my first memories of life and my most lasting influences are from my teachers. it is from them that i learned the much needed value in life..
for every student and for every teacher i touch my heart….
you lianne…a teacher in life…..a very beautiful teacher in life….
xoxxomuch love and respect…terri…
ps… now kick off your shoes and dance…..
lianne replied
I don’t know how I knew that you were Terri but I sensed that you too were a teacher. And I feel as you do – I tried to live my life with kindness paramount, self-sacrifice as just the measure of respect and compassion for others and like the hippocratic oath -chose “first do no harm” as a kind of guiding light. Share truth as you see it. But the real motto of my life – it flew as a huge banner above my whiteboard for 25 years – was this:
“Act justly, love tenderly and walk humbly with your God” Micah 6:8 More succinctly, in secular terms – think, judge and act with respect for others.
So dance I shall Terri, dear friend – the shoes are already off – a new day comes and I shall be glad and rejoice in it.
Much affection,
Lianne
DefyingGravity
Dear Lianne,
Like Boyd, I relate to your struggle to find hope in all this apparent chaos. I felt I needed to share this with you.
“Be aware with complete conviction that our efforts are changing the ENTIRE world in that one moment.”, The 72 Names of God, Technology for the Soul, Yehuda Berg.
never give up, ruth ;D
lianne replied
Oh Ruth – thank you so very much for that! What a profoundly hopeful statement. You are so very kind!
JoanIreland1970
I am speechless , Lianne. I SO agree with you.
lianne replied
Joan – you incredibly precious person – thank you so much for that. In fact you inspired me in a way to write it. I so treasure your comments.
aspectsoftmk
why dance….because we all are making a difference…and dancing always brings movement to the energies…xoxox
lianne replied
for sure and energizes the spirit as well – thank you my barefooted friend!
linaji
I was completely a shit in High School.. I was bored and I did not want to be told what to do… I turned out ok… I also grew up to meet you in a better time and place on my own time…. Now that you have let go… we come to you in droves… you no longer have to change anyone.. you can feed your own soul,, sing your own song and be the bright shining light unto yourself, and frankly I would not have it any other way…
I love you and life only gets better,,, The kids are born cable ready and the old ways of teaching are just that old ways…. We need to stop trying to think kids are spoiled and shitty because we our society has not caught up with their expansion… plain and simple;;; It may look lazy to you my lovely mentor but when I look at the youth on this site… I am in awe at the competence and the abilities for creation no school or teacher take credit for or parent for that matter… they are born to run with the stars… each generation is evolved cause that is what we do… look everywhere. the only true test of what happens daily besides the sun rising and setting is evolution.. you are evolving so fast you can’t keep up with you!!! You are an amazing woman just let go of the oars and trust that ALL IS WELL…. xoxoxo you are so beautiful I could put you on menue and call you luscious Lianne Lambastical Lemon Pie!!! xoxoxo
lianne replied
I didn’t mean to imply that there are no good kids, no creative talents out there, Lina – there are – I see them too. And I didn’t say they were all “shitty.” But they are spoiled, they are -too many of them – into immediate gratification and not a great deal of hard work or self-discipline. We have a mutual friend like that. And I have let go – that was the point quite honestly. I taught in a pretty damned well-to-do private school so I’m only citing my own experience and it’s all well and good to say kids are cable ready, artsy, etc. but if they can’t write a proper English sentence or speak in anything but street lingo or understand the complexities of today’s economic system or government then we have problems that won’t be solved by a plethora of poets and photographers, as incredibly gifted and spirited as they are. You grieve the loss of funding for the arts in schools, my dear friend, as do I, but I also grieve the loss of standards that create the infrastructure necessary to give the arts room to flower.
You too are beautiful, Lina – a free spirit so gifted with grace and talent that I envy you that spirit – I’ve never been that way, I’m afraid. I’m sure all is well – or will be tomorrow. We’ve all had days like this, haven’t we? Lol – my dear friend.
devotee1
No matter how we rationalize these things, even understand some great picture on a Creator’s blackboard, where everything in the end comes out all right, it still stinks! It still hurts! Thank you, Lianne. Great writing! I needed to vent that also, and I could never say it as well as you do.
lianne replied
Joe – I’m so sorry I missed your comment earlier – I’d never in a million years want to overlook your insights. And you most certainly could and do say it every bit as well as I do dear man! Thank you for understanding – thank you for being who you are!
Gordon Merrick...
Aw don’t tell me that… well. it’s ok. I go into teaching well prepared and with back up plans. I am sorry for all that has been shit upon you though, you certainly are a wonderful enlightened individual, and I know you were a wonderful teacher.
lianne replied
I didn’t mean to sound as if I were feeling sorry for myself Merrick – though I’m sure it must have – lol. On occasion, the weight of frustration at our inability to effect meaningful change is just a tad difficult. But as I said, tomorrow IS another, hopefully better day and I know my outlook will be different too. I don’t feel my life’s been wasted by any means, you good man – just that I’m not at all sure there’s much of a role left aside from sitting on the sidelines. But as Lina said, and Boyd and Sal – I’ll just concentrate on loving and art and music and let ‘er rip in some other way.
linaji
tee hee didn’t you like the lemon pie??xoxoxoxo
lianne replied
I loved the lemon pie – it’s my favorite actually – lol!
Gordon Merrick...
For you, Lianne, from my former self of 22 or so: Listen to Me All Youth
lianne replied
Merrick – I know I used the forbidden other first name on your poetry page – lol – but I can’t thank you enough for that! You have lifted my spirits immeasurably. Thank you, you dear man!
Gordon Merrick...
Lianne, I respect highly the opinions of all those who have commented here, and would never direct you away from a more cheery outlook, but your feelings and views in this post are all very much valid. You are not feeling sorry for yourself – you are expanding on a place you have gone and analyzing it in the way in which it struck you. DO concentrate on loving and art, and music, but never feel trepidation as far as the disappointment is concerned. Indeed, the disappointment is one of the strongest weapons humans have in the arsenal for change and inner peace. There is a shame that should be felt by the neglect of many in this world to appreciate what they are lucky enough to be given, and though most never feel this healthy emotion, it is healthy none the less. Revel in the misery, and commiseration of the lost innocence, reluctance to learn, and let downs, and always come to others with these passionate urges. A fear of this type of expression leaves you no better off than those who would seek to disillusion you though their own ignorance. No hiding behind abbreviated laughter… not when you still feel the banshee scream, and no listening to others when what they say doesn’t sooth that lost soul within you – you will only serve to lose your voice completely. You’ve done the job of more people than you can imagine with your chosen line of work and you need to hold that dignity high… even when it manifests itself in sallow depths.
You will be fine. Take what you need, what you feel, and then work within the bounds of what you are able. You know as well as I that this is the best, perhaps only, way to bring yourself solace back to replace the dischord.
Good luck soldier… you’ve faced battles much more brutal in the past… all but to serve us gentle reveries in days to come.
Gordon
lianne replied
You my dear man are a gentleman and a scholar – and I have enormous respect for what you’ve said here. And I shall follow your advice. I’m not really reluctant to speak out but dislike being a pessimistic voice amidst so much enthusiasm. I may be a bit battle weary from time to time – lol – but anyone who knows me can tell you I am nothing if not persistent.
By the way, both my deceased husband and my son’s names are Gordon – fine name!
adgray
Well that put a new spin on Bewitched Bothered and Bewildered! lol
They say water finds it’s own level eventually, the swinging pendulum eventiually slows to stop in the middle so too will the ways of the world and the extremes aimed for and reached [mind you I fear if the tide stopped all the water would fall off the earth~ and us along with it!!! lol]
I will save this and I will try to be a person to help turn the tide again and bring standards back into being. I would like to use it as an example in my educating others however that pans out because I really will educate others some how – that’s all I seem to do really well without thinking! lol
So I plan on becoming a teacher of teachers and perhaps the new wave of teachers might be the middle settled way of educators to go forward in education and lead the way instead of always seeming to fell like they are playing chasey [hated chasey! lol I’d sit and wait for them to come to me! lol “Who’s it Lyssa?” I’d tap their arm and say “You.” :o)]
lianne replied
well thank you Alyssa – if one person attempts it and then another then perhaps it will happen. That seems to be the way of it, doesn’t it? I always felt that students will and do rise to the challenge – if you expect nothing of them, they give nothing, expect the best, they give it (as long as parents support that effort)
adgray
Exactly and I can’t tell you the ammount of times that other teachers have either been amazed or annoyed that I pitch just stlightly more challenging than what they do and they see their students rise to meet me! It’s in the pitching … make it fun! Take them on a journey to see what is around the next corner even if it is just to the toilets will there be a teacher at the end of the corridor, a stray dog in the yard, a triantiwontigongelope in the bathroom sink? [I did that once and a little 2nd grader brought me out a slater all excited she’d found one in the sink! lol]
I make kids look sideways at life and see the realities, they swear are true, from a different perspective and make their brains work!
I provided disposable gloves and suddenly 5th graders were happilly learning to waltz, cha cha and rock&roll!
I did it in a philosophy tute and put the tutor off side! She didnt like how I generated discussion! She didnt like me at all as my thinking was too wayward! She was dismissed between my first and second symester for being too blinkered to be a philosophy tutor! lol
Life is for living and for enjoying what happens whatever that is!
and Education is about striving to find the learner’s barriers challenge them and record the achievements!
and teachers are learners too!
Parents need to be licenced! lol
Well we have to get a licence to get married or drive a car parents and pet owners should be licenced after learning the fundamentals of caring before they are allowed to have children & pets! – it could be done at school! – “Fundimental caring for life 101”!!!!
I’ll teach it!!!! lol – wanna help me with the research for the lessons??? lol :o)
“Pay it Forward” will be the first book/dvd on the reading list!
Closely followed by “The Little Red Hen” ~ who will help me?!!! and “the Little Red Engine” ~ I think I can I think I can! :o)