Because I can, OK?

Because I can, OK?

Well actually, I need to. You hear about us California Happy Cows all the time but we have our share of problems too, ya know? First, there’s the ear tags. Nah, they don’t hurt much going in but they are BRUTAL if you snag one on a California Happy Bounder or a California Happy Bush. Stuff like that just doesn’t happen when the only thing on your ears is the fur. And who picked this colour? I mean, it doesn’t match my face, my legs, my back – simply nothing. Why a fashion consultant wasn’t consulted is beyond me.

Then there’s the pies. Flatlanders call them “patties” but I seriously resent that because my name is Patty. I do some of the baking but I don’t do it all and, if I did, I’d clean up after myself! The people who just let me go my merry way don’t do any baking at all and if they did it couldn’t bake more than a cookie. They need to be cognizant of the fact that SOMEONE has to clean up after 78 cows older than me and countless little moo-ers younger than me. We all eat. We all wander everywhere. We need at least ONE place where humans do a bit of the janitorial legwork.

Then there’s the lack of Kleenex. Geeeeeeeee, people! A little help here, OK??? I understand that youngsters get drippy noses from colds and they don’t always want to reach for a tissue. But I’m way too old to be caught with a booger on my upper lip! I don’t have hands so I surely don’t have fingers. What am I suppose to do? Shake my head really, really hard, just hoping it doesn’t fly off and hit me somewhere I can’t reach? Use a (gasp!) tree’s bark?? I’d never go near another tree in my life. How many of us would need to use every tree more than once? GRRRRRRRRRRRRROSS! Just LOOK at this! I’m a LADY, I’m a “happy cow”, and I’m reduced to this. At least my tongue is long enough. (I’ve been told I was rather “special” by some of the bulls but I try not to brag so let’s just keep that between us, OK darling?)

But it’s not a bad life up here and California just HAS to be better than where my sister lives in Wisconsin. She says the snow tickles her tummy before the humans let her stay inside. She ALSO says the baking is removed daily when they are ‘house cows’ so I suppose it ain’t all bad there. But she’ll never be in a commercial on TV and I was on THREE TIMES! I’m willing to pretend I’m dumb as a rodeo bull while understanding what they’re saying and needing from a model. If they knew as much as I know about posing for a shoot, they wouldn’t be using all those skinny, non-baking, weed-wearing (They put on COTTON as if it’s NOT a weed!), face-painting, funny-smelling GIRLS they drool over now. We cows know what to drool over and that’s another hottie cow: 2 tons of straight up BEEFCAKE!

OK, back to pretending I can’t hear what humans are saying about me unless I’m in front of a camera. THERE, I am Patty,

The Dancing Queen, young and seen on the hippest scenes
Dancing Queen, big and serene on your TV screen, oh yeah!
You can act, you can moo, having the time of your life, ooo-ooo-ooo.
See that cow, know that now she’s The Dancing Queen!

Rock me, Beethoven! Wooooooo mooooooo!
_____
And the dreaded WORDY PART:

Nikon D80
Nikkor 70-300mm telephoto lens
F-stop: 5.6
Exposure time: 1/500
Editing program: Corel PaintShop Pro XI (moderate cleaning up, resizing, and cropping
ISO: 280
Metering mode: Pattern
Preset: full auto (I am sooooooooooooo embarrassed to admit that)
Shot taken in the World’s Smallest Mountain Range on December 8th, 2007 at 9:59am
Tripod: yes
Winds: about 20mph gusting to 45mph, enough to topple a tripod and camera
No cows were embarrassed by this shot.
Patty was a legal adult and passively consented to the shoot.
Numerous “good” shots obtained so you may see one anywhere but it better have my name all over it, darn it!
The abuse of an ABBA song was parody and thus protected under artistic license.
ABBA actually was a great group and I own a record.
I own a Barry Manilow record too but he wasn’t a band.
Agatha from ABBA had a great album and I have it too.
A Phil Collins song is on it, if I remember correctly and he’s cool too but better in Genesis.
Phil was BEST in the band Brand X but nobody knows but TRUE musicologists.
Not a drop of 151 was consumed during the composition of the shot or blurb.
It will be now with my Shake ‘n’ Bake pork chops. See, I CAN cook, so there!

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