'Admission'

Might be ironic, but infinitely true; that most often ’tis I who condemn myself so inexorably to the loneliness that at first glance, I am so deeply frustrated, perplexed by, perhaps even afraid of.

I’ve ever wanted to embody the energy of the light I love so fiercely, but I cannot shine without too casting darkness; and more often I am consumed by my downtime in the shadow, than I am performing ’pon the stage of the world.

I’d say that I am not aware what it is that compels me to admit this, but it’s inherently quite evident in the very act of the telling. I’ve always had a flair for the melodramatic; when sometimes all I want is to tell a humble truth.

I pursue my desires so relentlessly, so intensely; that more oft than not, the very pursuit is what causes them to be removed quite viscerally; to a place outside my reach. There is a part of me that almost believes that it is the fact that these wants either are, or that I cause to become, unobtainable; that endear them so deeply to me.

I try to justify the loss; by claiming I never possessed them to be lost, that I’ve yet everything in the universe to gain. That speed is life in combat, and to cease movement; is to court death. That I aspire for a greatness, that will not allow me to be penned down; for any great length.

Still I feel great absence.

I will not allow myself to believe that I am meant to be alone; that I secretly harbour a distinct joy, in being miserable or frustrated. However cynical, morbid, bitter or jaded I ever might be, or how much I understand that these things are an in inevitable part of life that I must appreciate, along with the brighter sensations in the spectrum; I do wish to find a loftier kind of happiness. Even if the wiser, more realistic and ageless part of me knows that; in the grand scheme of all things, suchlike as love does not last as most mortals naively hope it will; rather that in the entire spectrum of all things, across the span of the infinite, can a sense of completeness be found.

Put another way, I must find a way to be happy simply to exist, and just be. For in the end I am simultaneously an infinitesimal part; and at once the vast entirety, of all things.

That all is one.

'Admission'

Laszlo Totka

Sydney, Australia

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