I never realised that you could feel as if you were drowning on dry land.
That you could think of a thousand things to scream, but not even the tiniest whisper could be created.
How many everyday things you could regret, yearn for, crave, and most importantly, cherish.
Yet looking down at the pale, lifeless face of my daughter- my Zoe, my little girl, my baby – all these things are taken over by one single feeling. Numbness.
She is no longer the happy, bubbly teenager that I once knew and loved. Now she’s fragile. Glassy eyed. Bruised. She’s gone. She was 17, and now she’s gone.
I don’t even realise I’m crying until I feel the familiar sensation of a tissue being gently pressed into my hand. I glance over my shoulder to face the giver of the tissue, and I’m confronted by a middle aged woman, with thinning hair, a kindly face and a sympathetic smile. I instantly feel infuriated to see happiness among the sea of despair I’m currently drowning in. How could this woman stand here, a fake smile sewn across her face like a logo on a jumper, when my entire perspective, my life, my world, was unravelling and falling apart in front of me? And the worst part? There’s nothing, absoulutely nothing I can do about it. I’m already too late.
I turn back to the slab. The smooth, steel surface of the surgical table seems so out of sync with the person sprawled on top. The coldness of the metal seems to contradict the warmess of her smile, the humour that always shines in her eyes.That always shone in her eyes. I reach out and rest a withered hand on her smooth white cheek. I’m instantly taken back to moments that, to any other parent, seem insignificant- the way her hair reflected the light in the sunshine, how her cheeks dimpled when she laughed with her friends. The increasingly dense shades of pink her face went when I waved her off on her first real date. It’s only when you’ve lost, that you realise how much you once loved.
Instantly, I feel my anguish turn to anger, and I feel a burning desire to find the person that did this. To take their life away, just as they did to my angel. To seek revenge. For society, for me, and for Zoe.
Following a very deep talk I’d had with a woman who had lost her daughter, I needed to get some of the anguish and sorrow out of my system.