it wasn’t easy to get to sleep. i needed to sleep. i needed to forget all the alcohol i had to drink to somehow mask the truth. the smoke was to mellow and the pills to provide direct illusion. i could do this if i destroyed my body and my mind then we could couple and the truth would run down around our feet soaking us in the wet and cold uncomfortable minute that it is. i’m not ready for anything more than a good conversation and i’m sorry i let you down or led you down. lets together imagine nothing is shameful and honesty omnipotent. lets go together where all i can say is what is and none of what is not. it is not your truth alone that falls on death ears. i tried but i should have said i can’t in fact i won’t. stop it. and now i must say not tomorrow , not in a week , not when you’ve changed because i don’t want you to change i shouldn’t expect you to start doing something you’ve never done before not for me or anyone and especially because i won’t care i won’t have an aha moment and find you irresistible. i can’t be a continuation of a sorry dream you had previously, the same argument you just left with them or him or her lives inside your glares and your needy clingy touch. i’m shameless in stating i made a mistake i can’t feel what i should i can’t bring passion from nothing and never again fueled by an 8 ft length of rope and 6 oxys and some grass and a whole 5th of scotch and a promise of whatever i thought mattered. from the bruises on your breast to the look in your eye when i said my goodbye. i couldn’t pretend then and i will not begin now. we are better than just friends and you are better than mine or his or theirs. i’m not incapable of feeling and moving against someone inside and beside someone, shamelessly i say i want to move against inside and beside someone just not you …………..