Today I found myself craving an apple. I picked out the one that I wanted, took a few bites out of it, walked to the trash can and tossed it. There was nothing wrong with the apple there were no bruises and it hadn’t gone bad. However, this was not the case for my own self. I am the one that is bruised and corrupted.
I tend to blame it on the apple. I think ‘maybe if I don’t eat it and I become thin, the rest of my life will follow right beside that.’ I know how odd this must sound, but when a person’s life is so out of control one may try to grab a hold of anything that they can tame. In earlier essays I have written about such atrocities that have occurred and even though they did effect me, these are not the things that make me feel out of control. It’s hard to pin point something like this, but I think the answer lies within myself. It’s pretty simple, actually.I hate myself.
It sounds awful, I know. It almost sounds like a cry for help or something pathetic like that…but it’s not. I promise. I don’t want to hate myself; I guess it’s just something that happened along the way. I feel as though I’m constantly disapointing those around me or that I don’t bring happiness to anyone…not even myself.
The point is simple. If I want to eat something I try to deprive myself of it for that very same reason. I can control this, unlike everything else going on around me. It’s so much easier than trying to please everyone and consistantly failing miserably. It hurts much less.
I have a long road up ahead of me….and I hope I choose the right direction. Maybe I’ll meet someone who will guide me or even carry me when I become weak. I hope that even if I have to crawl I make somebody else out there smile. I think that when it comes right down to it, a smile is something to be shared….and sharing it with me would totally be appreciated.
Life just gets too crazy sometimes…