The To-do list

She had it written on her to-do list. Can you believe that?

I’ve just gotten home. I walked all the way here from her place. That’s a two hour walk. The whole time I was thinking about it, obsessing about it and I still can’t believe it. She had it written on her to-do list.

Sorry, you have no idea what I’m talking about do you? I really should start from the beginning.

Well, I suppose it starts with the fact that I bought this diamond bracelet for my girlfriend yesterday. I was planning on giving it to her tonight at dinner but I was just really excited about it. I could barely sleep last night and then I woke up this morning and, I don’t know, I just couldn’t wait. It was 5 o’clock but there was no way I was getting back to sleep so I decided to get up, get ready and go over to her place and surprise her with it before she went to work.

By the time I’d gotten ready and driven over, it was around 7, so it wasn’t crazy early or anything. I knocked at the door and she answered and she was half dressed for work. Pencil skirt, bra, no top. God I just wanted to jump her right there. But I didn’t. There was something about the look on her face that kept me from even kissing her. Hell, it kept me from being able to even say anything. She looked surprised, which is what I expected, but there was something else there too. When she saw me, she said, “oh!” in her surprised voice and then, “oh” again but with a different tone. A tone I didn’t like. It really threw me off and so instead of saying anything, I just awkwardly thrust the jewelry box at her.

Her eyebrows raised up and she smiled a little and said, “oh” again but in a much less worrying tone. Her eyes flicked between my face and the box for a few moments and then she reached out and took it from my hand. For some reason, I didn’t know what to do with that hand once it was free of it’s cargo. I dropped it by my side, then changed my mind and put it on my hip but then felt like an idiot and dropped it down by my side again. We’d been dating for over a year and I’d given her presents before so I couldn’t work out why I felt so damn awkward.

She smiled a little as she opened it but then when she saw it her face just exploded with delight. Words flooded out of her in a great rush.

“Oh my god, you didn’t. It’s beautiful. Are these diamonds? They are. Oh my god…”

She bit her lip and looked up at me in this way that always gets me hard. I moved in to kiss her, my hands slipped around behind her completely of their own volition, my fingers already plotting the unclasping of her bra. But she stopped them before they had the chance. She grabbed my arms and pushed them away from her and stepped back at the same time.

I frowned, “what’s going on?”

She took another step back and said, “look, I… ugh… look, just let me put a shirt on, okay? It’s weird just standing here in my bra.”

She didn’t wait for me to answer. She put the jewelry box down on the side table and walked straight out and into her bedroom. I tried not to think the worst. She just had something important to tell me, that was all. I closed the door and walked over to the side table. The box was sitting open. I fingered the bracelet. Why hadn’t she put it on? Normally she would have put it on straight away. That’s when I noticed the list.

Sitting right beside the box was her to-do list for the day. I started reading it. I thought it might give me a clue as to why she was acting so weird. Maybe she had to go away for work or something. I think I was hoping I’d find something on there like:

- pick up plane ticket for completely innocent and above-board business trip
- tell Tom will miss him insanely and don’t know how will get by without him

Instead, about halfway down, I found this:

- break up with Tom

Break up with Tom? I read it again. Break up with Tom. I picked up the list and stared at it. Break up with Tom. She’d written it on her to-do list?

I heard the click, click, click sound of her high-heels connecting with the wooden floor-boards. She’d put shoes on as well? I spun around, the list still in my hand. I held it up and shook it.

“What the hell is this?”
“Oh…”
“Oh?”
“Look, Tom…”
“Oh Christ, you’re really doing this?”
“…”
“Why?”
“Tom… It’s not you Tom, okay? You’re… amazing, it’s…”
“Don’t you dare give me that shit. Don’t you fucking dare. You tell me why.”
“I’m serious Tom, it’s not you. I just, I can’t give you what you want, okay? You need to be with someone who can.”
“But all I want is you…”
‘Jesus Tom, don’t give me that.”
“I will give you that because it’s the truth, okay. If you’re really gonna do this, don’t give me some bullshit reason. Just fucking say it.”

I was yelling but she just looked like she didn’t care. And then, I couldn’t help it, I started crying. I tried to hide it but she saw. She narrowed her eyes and shook her head slightly and then she almost smiled.

“Alright Tom, you want the truth? Here it is. I need a man.”
“What?”
“I need a man Tom, not some pathetic wimp who cries at everything.”
“I don’t cry at everything.”
“You cry more than me Tom. I can’t be with someone who cries more than I do. You cried in ’Cars’ for fuck-sake.”
“The movie?”
“Yes, the movie. It was a cartoon movie about talking cars and you cried. You cry in everything. You cry when we fight, it’s disgusting, it makes me sick.”
“It makes you sick…”
“Yes Tom, okay, I don’t care if this makes me a bitch. It makes me sick.”
“You… you… no. People… that’s what people want. A sensitive guy. You can’t break up with me for that. Girls would kill to have a guy like me.”

Finally some kindness came into her voice. “Exactly. That’s just it. Most girls would kill for that, but not me. That’s what I meant when I said it wasn’t you, Tom. You need to be with someone who wants you.”

And that, right there, destroyed me. You need to be with someone who wants you. Meaning she didn’t. I lost the will to fight then. I was defeated. I put my hands back on the table behind me to steady myself. She was looking at me with pity. There was not even the tiniest bit of love in her eyes, only pity. I felt sick but I wasn‘t ready to leave. Not yet. This may sound perverted but I needed to soak a bit more of her in first. I needed a stall.

“Well… can I at least get my toothbrush? I left a toothbrush in your bathroom.”

She laughed at me. Just a little bit and not in a mean way. It was one of those laughs that never quite gets beyond being an exhalation of breath. I can see why she did it. I mean it was a $2 fucking toothbrush. But it was seriously the only thing of mine that was in that apartment and so it was the only thing I could use to give me more time. I guess that should have been a warning sign to me earlier on. She never left stuff at my place and she wouldn’t let me leave stuff at hers, even though we’d been dating for over a year. God, I’m such an idiot.

“Your toothbrush? Whatever, go ahead.”

I turned away from her and stumbled around the corner and into her bathroom. I forced down a surge of tears. I’d never done that before, never stopped myself from crying. For some odd reason, doing it made my throat hurt.

I looked around, soaking up the feel of the place, the scent of the room, the scent of her. I ran a hand slowly over her things. Perfume bottle, moisturizer, mascara. The lid of her mascara wasn’t fully screwed on. I picked it up and screwed it on properly. I didn’t want to put it down again. I considered taking it but then I thought she’d think I was creepy. I thought of taking something else, something she’d be less likely to notice. But then I started thinking I was creepy and so I just stopped. I grabbed the toothbrush and decided it was best to just go. Get out of there quickly and just get it all over with.

I tried to make my steps strong. I didn’t want to stumble around the corner this time, I wanted to stride gallantly around it and out the door with my chin up and my toothbrush in hand. I wanted her to regret what she’d done and my plan was to not even look at her once.

The whole thing worked fine until I got around the corner. She was right there at the side table and I almost ran into her. We both jumped back in surprise and her hands darted behind her, gripping the table for support, just like I had done earlier. That awoke a tiny little flicker of hope inside me. I thought perhaps she might have started to regret breaking up with me.

Nevertheless, I forced myself to pull my eyes away from her. My plan was still to stride gallantly out with my chin held high. As it turned out, the best I could manage was this terribly pathetic half-run with my head down. I got to the door and pulled it shut behind me. All I had to do was let the handle turn and the lock click in. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t resist having one more look at her. I wanted one last view to remember her by. And apart from that, the little flicker of hope had managed to convince me that I needed to see what she was doing now that I was gone. So, very slowly and very carefully, I pushed the door back open. Just far enough for me to get a view of her. I was hoping to see her sink down onto the ground and start crying. Or perhaps even hurry over to the door to try and stop me. Instead, when I peeked in I saw this:

She released her grip on the table and turned around to face it. In her left hand was the jewelry box. That was why she’d put her hands behind her back so quickly. She’d been trying to keep it hidden. She opened it and gently touched the bracelet before carefully placing it down on the table. She then picked up a pen, slid the to-do list over from where I had dropped it, leaned forward onto the table and with one decisive movement, crossed a single item off the list.

I felt like stampeding back through the door, slapping her in the face and snatching the bracelet up off the table. But I didn’t. Instead, I shut the door quietly and walked away. Not because I’m a wimp or a pussy but because I knew I needed to keep a hold of that resentment. I couldn’t go and release it on her. I needed to keep that image of her and let it fester inside of me until I hated her. I needed it so that every time I wanted to call her or go see her and beg her to take me back, I would have something, some kind of an anchor there to keep me from doing it.

I hope it works this time, I really do. Then I’ll have at least one relationship that I can say I walked away from with a little bit of my dignity still intact.

I suppose all that remains for me to do now is to walk back over to her place and pick up my car.

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Tags:

do, guy, life, list, relationship, short, story, to and tom