When Tatum was a little girl, she would take her father’s whiskey tumblers and put apple cider vinegar in them and pretend that it was alcohol. She would sip her drink and have very refined conversations with her dolls, who were always too polite to touch theirs. She had seen on TV the faces that people pulled when they drank alcohol. The vinegar made her pull the same sort of face. So, even though she grew out of the game, Tatum grew up believing that her first drink would taste just like apple cider vinegar.
Needless to say, she was thoroughly disappointed.
Tatum finds a lot of things about life disappointing. She loves shopping for clothes, for example, but can never seem to find anything that looks right on her. She sees girls who look so good in their outfits and she gazes at them with envy. Sometimes, she’ll memorize an outfit and, once the day is done, after she has gone home and as she falls asleep, she’ll imagine herself wearing it. She imagines quiet girls with poor dress sense looking at her with quiet envy. Of course, she is too magnificent to notice them. But they go home and as they fall asleep, they imagine that they look like her.
Tatum likes to ride the bus late on Saturday nights. She doesn’t ever go anywhere, she just likes to ride through the city and look at all the people milling about and lining up to go into clubs. She finds the thought of being thrust in amongst all those people terrifying. It gives her a little shiver of fear and delight to be that close to something that frightens her, but to know that she is safe in her seat, with her feet tucked up and her cheek pressed against the glass.
Tatum likes it when it gets cold and she can wear her coat and gloves. She likes it even better when it’s cold and raining and she can take her umbrella too. With her headphones on and music playing, she feels as if she’s in a cocoon. She feels a strange sense of joy at being surrounded by people but completely isolated.
Tatum is lonely sometimes, even when she’s with friends. But then, sometimes, she wants nothing more than to be alone. At times like this, she likes to go into her room and lock the door. She imagines that once the door is locked, it becomes impenetrable – just another part of the wall. She is contained within a box, her room, which is full of warm, amber light and comforting things. Outside of this box is nothing, emptiness. The world has melted away and she is floating, her box the only solid thing within an endless void. Nothing can touch her, and she never has to leave. In the top drawer of her bedside table is an emergency supply of food which Tatum has especially arranged for these occasions.
Tatum is aching for something, anything to happen to her. When she has time, she tries to will herself to hallucinate. She tries so hard to force insanity upon herself. Life would be so much more interesting if she were insane. It hasn’t worked yet, but Tatum hasn’t given up hope.
There is one thing she does that she thinks is possibly a little crazy. She takes a fancy to people sometimes. Random people. Strangers. She’ll look at them intently, taking them in, everything about them, every feature, every aspect. And then she’ll make up a fantasy around them. She plans it out in very great detail. Sometimes, she’ll seduce them. Or they’ll seduce her; relentlessly pursuing her until she finally gives in and they take her passionately, forcefully. Other times, she’ll imagine skillfully stalking them, a hunter, biding her time before violently and mercilessly killing them. It’s different for every person. The thing she really loves though, is the fact that that person will go on with their day, completely unaware of the incredible things being done to them by a stranger.
Tatum also fantasizes about being one of those people who, instead of just giving spare change to a homeless person, will actually take them into a restaurant and buy them a meal and hear amazing stories about life on the streets. She imagines how much people would admire her if she could do things like that. She wonders what it would be like to be that confident and purposeful. See, Tatum doesn’t really know why she’s here or what she wants. She doesn’t understand a lot about the world. She doesn’t understand people. She tries very hard to understand, but nothing ever seems to quite make sense.
The few people who have loved Tatum have loved her violently, possessively. Tatum finds this strange, because most people simply overlook her.
Tatum is the kind of girl who slips by unnoticed in this world. You will probably never know her and she will never know you. You will each go on with your lives, oblivious of the other’s existence. Or maybe you’ll see her sometime and not even realize it. In case you’re wondering, she’ll be the dark haired girl with the big eyes who stares at you just a little too long, before smiling and turning away.
Damian, 2 months ago
I liked Tatum :)
So many wonderful ideas and takes on the world. Willing herself to hallucinate made me smile!