I remember living in a hells production.
I remember loving one thing,…………..
no luxury .
no time to think.
to appreciate .
to truly find acceptance.
the life when socks with holes and ripped shoes were acceptable, unavoidable.
when a ketchup packet from mcdonalds was a snack.
The snack I fed to my brother.
To my sister.
the life when all you can think about is trying to be happy .
when my clothes were not bought, but donated.
the life when I cared for my younger siblings as a parent should.
the life when my mother was unavailable, absent
when i made dinner, she slept.
when i bathed them, she slept .
when she came home angry on drugs and alcohol
when she hurt us
tried to protect them.
once again i would whisperto them
“hide in the cabinets”
“hide under the bed”
once again i spun her attention to me
once again i kept her violence focused on me
until she calmed down
until she put the belt down
until she let my hair go
until she began to cry
saying its not my fault its hers
telling me to forgive her
and give her a hug
which i did.
but that was all just a small .
price to pay for their joy .
to pay for their health .
price to pay to stay sane.
to keep their heads above water
when they felt like drowning
to hold them when they hurt
like a mother should
she got tired
of the parent life
she gave up
she wanted only one thing
the thing that consumed her
no children yet
fifteen was too young to have her first born she decided
so was twenty two.
too young she thought.
too young she realized.
too many kids.
she birthed eleven
miscarraiges, SIDS, and five adoptions later
she only had us
now only three
and still too much responsibility for her
we were found in a house
the house my mother chose to drop us off at
the house where we waited at the window
for her to come back
the house that called CPS
the house that we were found in
and taken away in a rush.
no goodbyes or smiles.
just me, my brother and sister.
we were placed in a new shelter.
to stay temporarily, and leave soon.
not to see our mother .
but our new family.
they were taken within two months .
by a healthy couple.
to a home with six other kids.
they were happy, so i was happy.
i stayed behind and was moved to a new temporary home.
a house full of other boys .
all my age.
i was lost. and beginning to miss my sister.
Beginning to miss my brother.
they were all i had .
i would cry every night.
i dreamt their faces every night.
i was mad .
at my mother for abandoning us .
not knowing that i would not see my sibling for eleven years.
at their new parents for leaving me behind.
at the temporary home for keeping me alive.
i had no reason to live.
my right to happiness was deteriorating .
who do i look to for joy?
but i held on
i stayed awake for my selfish reasons
i figured things would be better for me.
a year later i was taken to a home where a man let me live. .
it was just me and him .
he was a shop owner, and loved what he did.
he made me things.
he made me a lamp.
he let me help him in his shop.
he owned the repair shop.
he repaired your broken appliances.
he was a genius.
but he was a fool. .
he knew nothing about caring for a child .
i had needs .
i needed attention.
i needed discipline.
i needed to be taught .
and he panicked the second i needed him
he panicked the moment i reached hope again .
i was sent back to a third temporary home for boys.
this was the worst .
the staff punished harsh consequences.
the boys were all filled with rage.
my lamp was thrown away.
my pictures were torn up.
i had no objects to remind me of my life.
my past gone
i only had my head.
I had a friend.
A best friend.
I loved him.
He loved me.
When I was sad, he would help me.
When I was hurt, he would help me.
When I was nervous, he would help me .
and the concern for a future did not exist.
this was a day to day life.
i lost hope.
i gave up and accepted this life. accepted that i was going nowhere.
two years later,
i was Found
I was Cared For
i was Taught
i was given acceptance
a shoulder to cry on
when i cried for my sister and my brother
when i had those nightmares of my mother
when i felt like my heart had sunk into my stomach
i had a place that would create memories
that finally allowed me to be a child
after too many years of being an adult
i lost unnecessary responsibilities
i was adopted by a family.
by my family .
By two gay men.
by a normal functioning family. .
By an eighteen year married couple.
Whos only dream was to have children.
i was nine and three quarters..
i am now seventeen.
i love life.
i hate no one
i found my siblings .
after eleven years of separation.
on July 4th of 2007 i hugged them
for the first time in eleven years i hugged my siblings
i looked into their eyes
i looked and saw troubles and joys
hardships and happiness
just like me
I Found Them
I found them. i found my younger sister.. i found my younger brother.
Thanks to everyone
i found them
Thanks to Shelby
Thanks to Cathy
Thanks to Billy
Thanks to My dads
Thanks to my family.
The whole family.
its not for any one to judge. but this was my life and what i had to go through.