Real Life Story of Shopping for the Dreaded Bathing Suit

Real Life Story of Shopping for the dreaded Bathing Suit

Ah, yes, that speed bump shelf bra! I opt for the torpedo tits bra where I’m Zena Warrior princess. Two golden honeycombs with pooh inside. A pooh who’s eaten ALL the honey.
Yes, the horrors of bathing suits.

What part do you want to hide most? What part’s left to show? If it can uplift my South-Boobs, flatten my 4 mo. tummy, squelch my hip blobs, smooth away the cellulite, then I’ll pay the $194.98 price tag. On sale.

I spend equally the time on finding a beach cover-up that has holes to keep one cool, but teeny tiny holes so you can’t see the real shape underneath. Again, a mere slip of material for $189.99. On sale too.
And my colour choices are: midnight black, daring black, moonlit black, racing black, black with blue piping but only if the piping pipes in the right spot, black with black flowers, black with keyhole opening, black with black, and blackblackblack.

Then one really does go to the beach.
Forget the umbrella. Fat chicks give great shade.
They twirl me into a spin and I sink down to Hong Kong, my black-clad bod giving great shade.
Now the water is forgiving. You’re well hidden as long as the tidal wave on your way in doesn’t flood the beach… uh ohhh. what’s happening, hey! – the water level normally rises only 4 feet. Must have been that final twinkie last night – it’s 5 feet today.

You try to slink back out of the water to the sand, plucking at the slip of a suit which now loves you, and it shows every ripple, crack and mountain; with every pluck you hope to create one big air bubble so no one sees your entire bod. The Michelin Man is jealous.

Then you start the slide towards your towel, from 20 feet before (once you’re at sand level no one can see you.) And the landing is in stummick position, flaps down – it’s the best – especially if you create holes in the sand under your towel to fit them torpedos and 4-mo. tummy into.

Then the kids want ice cream. And a hot dog. And chips. And your 6 hour diet says ” time’s up!”

You slither into your beach cover up or Size Gronk t-shirt, with the precision of Houdini, as you can do it at sand level Before you sit up.

Then hit the concession stand. Hey, the kids love you. Michelin Man got over it and wants a date. Another day at the beach!

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Tags:

bathing, big, cellulite, cover, cravings, diet, fashion, fat, grand, grande, humour, humourous, large, suit, swim, swimming, swimsuit and water