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Paranoia? Version 1

Dear Diary

It’s happening again. Only this time, the pain is reaching everywhere. Its more than just a dull inexplicable head ache. My migraine tablets just seem to have stopped working, and then it just seemed to spread. The cramps in my stomach, wrap round front to back, and seem to reach up to my chest as though heart burn, but its is mirrored up my spine! My legs clench and cramp too. Something has to be wrong with me, but the doctors don’t know what! They are just prescribing more painkillers which aren’t working. And I can’t even argue that it is severe (oh how severe!) period pains- it’s more in sync with the moon than they are! Its full moon tonight- so far they have built up a few days before that, to peak on the full moon day. I dread to think what it will be like tonight.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me!

Dear Diary.

I think I’m going mad, or hallucinating, or took too many of my pills this morning! I must have, there can be no other explanation. I walked past the art shop window to the bus, and something caught my eye. Or rather, that drew my attention to the fact that something was wrong- you know, the spot the difference type scene, where something feels wrong, but you can’t quite put your finger on it? Then I noted the reflection of the man who walked past me. His glass reflection past me, but not my glass reflection, because I didn’t have one! But I must have! How do I lose my reflection?!

Of course I checked the next few shops, and I found myself staring at myself in the glass each time- though I can’t decide if my reflection was fainter than other people’s. I must be paranoid, or just letting my over active imagination run away with me. I can’t possibly have lost a reflection, or have a weaker reflection than other people!

Dear Diary.

I can’t even believe I’m having to write this down. I must be going mad, surely- I’m dreaming and it will all be alright and back to normal. I must, I will!!! Oh God, how I wish I could say this was a dream.

Today, in that self same art shop where I seemed to lose my reflection….I wasn’t reflected. A wolf’s head was. And there was nobody else about. I walked past several times today- why can’t the boss give me my errands in one, rather than five to the same direction! Argh, but that is besides the point. The first time, everything was normal- I made a conscious effort to check. But on my way back, when I was paying hardly any attention, I’m almost certain (well, how certain could I be, really?!) I saw a wolf’s profile, and no reflection of my head, from the corner of my eye! But glancing back, there was nothing in the window- and once again no reflection, though that may have been my angle.

Then…I past again, and this time I did see a wolf’s profile, and when I turned my head to look, it turned with me- or rather, mirrored me! I dropped my package- thank god it wasn’t breakable- and turned round to check there was no one behind me playing a prank- which there wasn’t!- and when I looked back again, there was my reflection. Back as normal, though very weak on the glass, which is a bizarre statement I know, but someone walked past, and they had far more solid reflections.
Christ, if I’m writing random statements like that I must be going mad!
But the worst part, is that I walked past again, and stopped to stare at the wolf profile again! This time I turned away- checking for well, I wish I knew what. Though anything would be better than having no explanation! When I turned back though, Christ I don’t believe it, still. I must be mad. The wolf was turning its head back to me!
I’m, …I mean what could I be…I have to be mad or over medicated. Don’t I? There are no other explanations. And Christ, full moon in a week!

Dear Diary…

Things have just got so much worse!

I walked back from work late last night, for some strange reason I went past the park. God knows why- anything could have happened. Its a notorious place for drugs, rapes, attacks…of course. Anything could have happened, that’s the worst part. I can’t remember anything! Well, I say that, I know that as I walked along the path past the football pitch I got the cramps. I know I fell over, my legs wouldn’t support me, I couldn’t decide whether to double over and clutch my twisting stomach- something had to be twisting inside it was that painful ( though god knows how )-or to stretch as my back…well I just can’t describe it. I think my shoulders felt like when I dislocated my shoulder- only both at the same time- but I can’t remember anything else. Just darkness.

I woke up this morning, well…only an hour ago really. I’m writing this when I should be at work. I just can’t go in. I just…I mean I must…I wish I knew what happened. I can barely move, my whole body aches, every muscle is tight, tense and agony! But even that isn’t the worst thing! That things are worse I can’t begin to believe… I woke up in my bed- God knows how that happened- with absolutely no clothes on, curtains open and everything! The sheets were twisted in a way that would have made the washing machine proud, and they were… Christ I can barely say it- and this is a bloody diary!

Oh God! When I say I woke up with no clothes on, I wasn’t exactly completely bare- I was covered in dried blood- it’s all down my arms and jaws, and seems to have spread it over the sheets and therefore over me. Yet I’ve spent nearly an hour in the shower the hot water has done nothing but add to my pain, yet can find not a single scratch anywhere on me. Absolutely nothing, and certainly not enough to cause that amount of blood. Therefore I can only assume….Christ, that it isn’t mine! Jesus, I can barely believe I’m writing this! Oh God what have I done?!

Wait, the news is on the radio…

They said something about the remains of a body, a torn arm and head and a few bones scattered about the park…was I there? Did I see…please god that wasn’t me that…how have I got his blood all over me?!

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I’m not quite sure with this one, I don’t think I have expressed the fear enough…a definate first draft.

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imagination, diary, memory, hallucination, unexplained, reflection, fear, self, change

Scribbler, painter, photographer and designer; creative alround and proud.

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