So there’s this spot, this place that I go. Other people are there but for different reasons. I’m alone. They’re there talking muttering to their friend, who isn’t really listening. I’m there for the reaction, for the smile, watching for that moment they’ll be released. One of the two always has the power. The other waits for that moment.
The strange thing is they always go back, they need the control from another, they need that leash. I need the control from a tablet.
This place I go is around the corner. I have studied most of these dogs…..they beg to be unleased, to no longer be controlled, you see it in his eyes, he want’s it, he waits for it.
So I have been squeezing the tablet pack and slamming back these tablets for a while now. Every morning, 40mg. Are you slamming them back? What colour are yours? Most people are. I don’t want them. They make me shiver, they make me sweat…..they don’t let me cry. Is crying good?
I try to run away from them, far across the park, but I can’t think. I can’t even buy a coffee without my leash.
People know about my leash. Most people are happy about it being on. Others know that it digs into my neck and can cut me from time to time.
So leashes aside…turns out I have depression. If you haven’t experienced it, think of walking down a busy street and not hearing the cars. Or maybe I have mania too. What’s mania like, ok you’re on the same street but this time your driving the cars, all of them, fast.
It’s not all bad. You spend allot of time at home, you don’t get sunburnt and you can loose some definite weight. You don’t get stressed because you don’t work. You don’t work because you lost your job after sweating for days at your desk because someone may have seen you check your email.
Little things become your day. A visit to the post office needs planning. And a visit out of the house needs a shower….that’s a chore in its self. You shave your face. You look a little longer at your face every time. Is it different? Sometimes you think you find a new hair. Is that new piece of facial hair why you can’t get a job? So you’ve shaved and showered. Then there are clothes to consider. You don’t want to wear something too bold people might look or stare. Monday you found an outfit. Tuesday you got your shoes on. Thursday you find a new hair, and you’re back to square one.
One time I left my leash in the plastic wrapper. I felt free, I made plans that day. The beach was my plan. I felt good. I wasn’t good. I drove many cars that day, all fast. I woke up shivering covered in sweat on a train hours from home no where near the beach. I wondered if I found a beach, and checked my undies for sand. I put my leash on when I got home, I had to my sister had opened the plastic wrapper and poured a water.
My sister. What’s yours like? No don’t answer that, I’ll tell you about mine first. Think twin sister. Think walked before you, think talked before you. Think talked about you or is that still talking about you. Listen to these ones “ oh you do so well with him it must be difficult