Story of the navigation system parking fiasco

Mother-cussin Daphne!

My cousin who is more amazing that anyone in my life, the hilarity that she embodies alone is worth stalking her… with that said we’ll call her Tootles that will make more sense in another story about white shorts and a long walk… So Tootles (I might have to re-name her…I’ve fallen out of love with that already) decided to have an E.P.I.C, yes epic needs that much attention drawn to it…epic bachelorette party in Germany. So the few, the brave, the semi tardacious set off to the wondrous new land (to us) of Germany. Whilst there, yes I say whilst, we enjoyed immensely visiting her fiancée now husband … we’ll call him Bruce… in Germany where he plays professional volleyball. He’s really tall… I mean hit your head on the ceiling fan tall… or at least he looks that tall to me because I’m looking up at him and my perspective is skewed at 5’2”.

So Bruce, Lola (tootles, new name- because I said so) and I … oh wait I totally forgot to mention Ellie, yes- we’ll call her Ellie, Ellie is Lola’s long time friend and now my friend, she rocks my socks… So Bruce, Lola, Ellie and I are in Germany… being lazy watching youtube drunk and reenacting the videos that only we find funny and watching step brothers thirty-eleven-thousand times.

Now the real journey begins… which isn’t entirely true… on the second leg of our trip out to Germany we all met in NY to fly together, where we happily received first class kits, and all the champagne we could bubble guzzle down with our Tylenol pm to endure in our own rows to sleep/drool/dream the 8 our flight away….

Thank you crazy-too-happy-must-be-on-something flight attendant… we love you. LOVE you.

So enough about the second leg of the flight, now to the second leg of Germany… Bruce let us use his team car (big no no Bruce, BAD Bruce -slap on wrist) but we took it… Lola had gotten her international drivers license and we thought it was a great idea to hop on the autobahn and laugh about the exit signs saying ausfart or something like that.. regardless we pronounced it ass fart… So after one driving experience with Bruce “helping” Lola on the autobahn where almost DIED by way of a huge truck. It was a very clueless the movie moment…. We took off to our new adventure.

Prague or Praha or whatever the hell you want us to call you, HERE WE COME!… and there we went. Let me set the very small circus clown size car stage. Lola driving, me in the passenger seat trying to navigate in a foreign land and Ellie in the back seat… shifting from behind Lola to middle to behind me…every time I turned around I swear she was in a different spot… but that neither here nor there…

I was confident, capable and faking it… that I could navigate us from one foreign land that I didn’t understand the signs in to another that would be even MORE confusing. Fortunately for me the navigator de’ Daphne got us going in the right direction and most of it was freeway bound…so time to have Ellie DJ… and that she did, she’s the tops.

Now Daphne and I get in a bit of a tiff… she isn’t zoomed in enough nor talking to me…but I can see a turn coming, taking matters into my own hands I make a soon-to-be-not-so-smart decision… Damn it… we’re circling around and heading off to what appears to be the field that the grim reaper may be waiting for us in. Lola starts freakin-the-hell-out, with good reason… and Daphne is saying “recalculating .beep.beep.beep recalculating beep.beep…” at a volume that only evil travel gnomes could have invented. I discover the pinch and pull option on Daphne and can see clearly now -the rain is gone… anyway we get back on track… this is the first time we see Daphnes’ true colors come shining through. The b-word.

Who knew I could loathe a gadget so much? So now the sun is setting and our four hour journey is coming to an end – so we hope. We are approaching Prague with signs that seriously I wish had had a stick figure drawing or something so I could figure then out…that might have saved us from what comes next. We’re driving… and Daphne takes us down a small cobblestone road… Tension in the car is thick like maple syrup, even if you don’t want to be apart of it, it’s going to find a way to stick to you…Every time Daphne, Lola and I navigated a correct turn and the yelling stopped I would give Lola a peanut M&M. This seemed to ease the “I’ll frikkin kill you if you get us lost Kit!” stares coming from Lola when she wasn’t looking at the road. Oh yes, so we’re heading down a tiny cobblestone road which had signs we couldn’t read… and it starts to feel like we’re in a fun house… I mean the road was getting thinner, or the car was getting bigger… and we got to a point where Lola didn’t know what to do! It was painfully clear to all of us that we were indeed not on a road at all, but perhaps on a walkway?… DAMN IT DAPHNE where did you take us! This is when the yelling starts, Daphne starts saying “IMPOSSIBLE U-TURN” over an over again… I’m yelling at Daphne, “I KNOW IT’S IMPOSSIBLE! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!” … So Lola is yelling, “WHAT DO I DO?” I say, “you’re not a good enough driver (did I mention this car-death-trap is also stick?) to drive backwards, you have to pop the curb and go forward”… to which I look at Ellie who is not nervously having a moment with the Pringles and M&M’s she isn’t saying a word just eating and eating and looking like total panic has taken over her body.

Lola pops the curb and we make it through the buildings with flying colors… to which Daphne now says.. “You have arrived”… and we all yell back “No we haven’t!” but we had… we had arrived smack dab in the middle of Prague in it’s frikkin town square. Where ONLY PEOPLE are allowed, not cars! What a cluster-cuss. We drive past the police – thank God they didn’t seem to care that we were stupid Americans in the middle of a no drive zone holding our hands up like marionette puppets saying “we’re sorry, we’re Americans”… it was all very Team America short of a song and newsies dance.

We drive past the fountain down the steps and park, thank the glorious parking lords for a spot just off the steps. We all laugh nervously as now the cops decide they will pay us a visit. This is when they tell us we are parked in the Presidents spot. THE PRESIDENT OF PRAGUE’S SPOT… first of all, y’all make the President park outside? Next to other commoner’s cars? I’ll pass on being Prague’s president thank you! Because the chances of a surprise president visit is slim they let us stay a bit to find our hostel… Ellie stays in the care eating the snacks like a nervous chipmunk. Lola and I find the hostel, get back to Ellie and come armed with directions to a parking garage… we find the garage, grab our bags and make the long track to our hostel across cobblestone paths with our rolling clunking awful noise that makes you wanna punch a baby … after we settled in, we decided to go out to eat, where we each ordered our own bottle of wine from the waiter that smelled like b.o.-death on a stick. Ah, welcome to Prague.

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