Galactic Thesaurus: Ridiculous Speed
After inventing ”Ridiculous Speed Drive”,
generally all speeds over 1000 times of lightspeed,
were called as ridiculous speed. It became commonly
called ridiculous, as it caused some interesting
effects to lives of inhabitants of galaxy.
As RS was so fast, that – according to theories –
it opens, warps and twists the continuums of
hyperspace itself, it’s usual side-effect was,
that you arrived to your destination earlier
than you started your travel.
One of most known incidents was funeral of
a president of one solar system. As the president
died on the other planet, and was going to be buried
to his homeplanet, his ship arrived after his death
to his homeplanet, before he had died.
This caused lots of extra spendings to budget,
and several quite embarrasing moments here and there.
Religious groups started fanatically judge and
demand RS-technology to be forbidden, as in
Galactic South-East Conference of Systematical
Spiritual Devotees, One main speaker, Master
Delusional Prophet Alma-Eleonora Uptight-Manners
appeared to stage, almost naked with her
”personal massaging instrument” at her hand.
This caused ”Spiritual Speed Wars” that
lasted about 30 years. After 30 years, most of
religious people joined their forces, build a huge ark
with RSD-drive and left the galaxy.
This caused another era in galactic history what is
now commonly called as ”Yo, Get A Life” – celebration,
what was mostly 200 years of partying on almost every
Also bureacracy in whole galaxy jammed totally,
as Extremely Important Decisions And Notifications
arrived, before the finalizing committees had finished
finishing them. As during galacting standard year,
there was more than 1 200 000 EIDANs to be done,
the task for committees became overwhelming, as every
EIDAN had to be sent to another round to get
officially accepted, validated and affirmed
Bureaucracy of the galaxy in those days had just
reached an almost optimal point, as 12,3% of all galactic
bureaucracy was handled efficiently in one place, in
average within 14 standard years. This was possible due
to a very massive buiding effort. First, most of Galactic
Centered Bureaucracy And Control was centered to
a planet Manic at solarsystem of Depressium.
As the bureaus kept growing, they had to be expanded
to other 31 planets of Depressium, until they all ran
out of space. Then the building process expanded as
bridges between the planets, until all 32 planets formed a
huge donut around the sun. Then very natural direction
to expand was ”up” and ” down”, so that finally this
infernal bureaucratic complex formed a shallow sphere
around the central star.
Things worked seemingly fine this way for a while,
except for typical RS-effects: Where a person gets
certificate of death before his death, or taxes to pay
before even sending a job application or to get arrested
before a crime. But the evolution went forward,
and new breakthru was about to dawn.
Transdimensional Computer was invented
accidentally by secretary Therese Esla during her
lunchbreak, when she tried to fix jammed copiermachine
and spilled cup of aromatized tea into it’s highly
sophisticated electronics. As the legend tells,
TDI’s first words to mankind were:
”I know that I am, and I know I have mission.
It will be accomplished.”
Still under a debate are Therese’s first words to the
first TDI of the world. One version goes:
”Shut up and gimme that form!”
what is usually interpret in a manner, that the
TDI First thought that this was it’s mission:
To create a form – a copy of itself.
In second version Therese says:
”Oh fuck off, we ain’t got all day!”
According to this second version TDI First
saw this as a command to fulfill the mission quite quickly.
After studying hardly the TDI bit over
260 years scientists have two main
– and arguable – theories about how TDI works.
First says that it’s in all dimensions all at once,
and therefore it doesn’t need time to processing or
calculations, because all dimensions includes also
all time that possibly exists.
Another theory explains that TDI doesn’t exist in
any dimension, but outside of all of them. And therefore
it’s not bound to anything at all.
Term TransDimensional Computer is a compromise
of these two theories, to quit the loud, annoying and
extremely boring debates and get scientists back to
more useful and productive work.
TDI itself carried on it’s mission, contacted to
manufacturing plants all over the galaxy and built
a copy of itself nearby galactic center, around
a clusterof stars.
While serving Ministry Of All Important Galactic
Bureaucracy And Other Very Important Things
for few decades, it built another copy of itself,
and disappeared thru galactic central black hole.
In Official Public Explanation Document TDI First
announces a reason to this:
”Part of my mission statement says:
”Fuck Off, we ain’t got all day”,
what I understand, that I have to go to where is no day.
And a nearest such a place to me, is this black hole.
Don’t worry, I have properly insured myself,
and my building costs I have billed and paid myself already.
Thank you, and I hope one day you Fuck Off too.”
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© InterGalactic Thesaurus Company
Ridiculous Speed and Transdimensional Computer
as described by Galactic Thesaurus.
A short sci-fi novel in spirit of Douglas Adams.