No need for caution on this journal for language or anger issues. So this is your ’non-warning. ;)
Over the years I have noticed that a depression of this length usually produces something of greater insight, deeper spirituality, or more creativity either visual or written. Something beautiful usually comes out of it. Thus far: not so much. Since this depression began in late April 2011, I’ve slowly moved from the basic glum to the “why am I still taking up space and wasting oxygen” to a week in bed sleeping, followed by sobbing in corners, experiencing horrific moments after an MRI which landed me on the floor sobbing and four hospital personnel trying to get me off the floor and dressed. It seems hospital policy is that no one can be on the floor. I was, however, in stellar performance mode at my uncle’s funeral and able to not cry more than my cousins.
I did come up with one image “Sometimes It’s Just So Dark”
Which has been met with some success but doesn’t meet with what I consider my higher standards of creative attempts like “Beyond the Blues”
Or from many years ago, “Thick and Dark This Endless Night”
Which was inspired by the poem I’d written Despise This Disease
And somehow I managed to put together for the DisCo project "*This Is My Father’s World*:
I’m just frustrated right now and venting it to my friends in the best way I can in this mental state. Most all of you know exactly what I’m talking about and understand. If nothing good is coming out of this episode, then I’m certainly ready to be done with it. For the curious, I am working on doing the things I know to do when depressed to keep me from falling into the darkest of pits. The good news is that my plants have not died.
Yes, another long journal entry of pretty useless information. For those of you who read this far. Thank you. For those of you who didn’t read this far (which makes no sense, I know) I take no offense. After all, who really wants to read a depressed person’s journal?
Appreciate all you, my friends. It is good to be here with you even when I’m hardly here in mind. I look and rarely comment. My apologies. I do appreciate the lovely images and interesting posts. You all help me in that you create a bit of a diversion from the pain.
Much appreciation,
Kari
(^dA Karirose^)
eon .
Its all a dream. we are but the reality in 3 d of the dream it’s having " – ))
find your flow and you will move past where you are now.
This video assist me " – ))
Karirose:
Thank you. The video is helpful. Appreciated. :)
msdebbie
You are in my thoughts xxx
Karirose:
Thanks. Always appreciated. :)
Arcadia Tempest
I have started this comment to you a few times and then delete thinking no….. should say something more encouraging, helpful, understanding…..
Then I realized that I really want to say…. " I hear you, and I see you" xxxx
Karirose:
I knew you would be one who would. Thank you. xo
Karen Helgesen
I completely understand…as I think you already know. I have been treated for depression since I was a teenager. Some episodes are worse than others and it sounds like you have been through a very bad one. If only you ( and I) could come through it knowing that it won’t happen again ( like getting chicken pox) it wouldn’t seem so bad. It’s knowing that it, even with medication and therapy, it can happen again that is so disheartening. I think many people who have this illness are also very creative. I don’t know why…maybe it is a way to express the inexpressible. You are not alone…I will be thinking of you. I know how you feel. I want to write more…but, am very tired. Not a good sign for me! So, I think instead of fighting it I will just go to bed and believe that tomorrow will be better…yours will be as well.
Karirose:
Some people I know can tell you which depression was the worst one they ever had. Mine all seem to blur together and each one seems as worse if not more so than any of the others. Go figure. I dislike the classes and therapy that I’ve taken as they treat it as if it will not come back again if I do things “just right”. I was a little more outspoken in one of the classes I had to go to and said as such regarding those who have bipolar or clinical depression. Situational doesn’t have to recur, Just don’t treat what we go through as situational. Glad you followed your body signals and went to bed. Hope your sleep was pleasant. :)
Anne van Alkemade
It is the most perplexing of things … depression … and I understand the lights and darkness, shadows and despair; at least I think I do and I do comprehend it. I’ve spent days in bed, but not quite as long as a week. Instead I tend to lose myself in stupid games on facebook which eat up all my time and numb my creativity. Heavy sigh. I hope you are on the upward rise, KariRose. And you are in my thoughts too. Yes, so many of us here ride this particular rollercoaster, so believe what you say that you really are not alone. xxx
Karirose:
Thanks, Anne. Yes, this particular roller coaster is a pretty full one. :) I hope to be on an upward rise soon—or get some wonderful creative idea going soon!
Anne van Alkemade
It will come when your muse is ready Karirose. And I look forward to reading it. xxx
Karirose:
:)
RosaCobos
Hi Kari…..
Yours is not an state of “mind” but a wholly body-soul state. And that state is a calling to your own Soul, and the insight you are perceiving is like seeing the interior of your wonderful being through a deep and bleeding wound. It is natural to feel rejection, repulse and drawing back from wounds. Then, we rapidly go to some surgeon to “stich” it and close the wound, and not knowing sometimes if this will scar or not adequately. I have a particular form of “scaring”. Usually or oftenly they “queratinize”, producing a sort of hard tissue on it, and not an smooth line with will be almost gone. This happens too in our “pathological Soul”, trying to harden our sensible reactions to Life, and thus not letting the Soul tissues, be smooth and going. Scars never go, but the way we move and feel neither. Your “blue” is a natural one but wilder and crazier than usual, and you ardently wish to see through the wound, to be there and not reject your own body. Sobbing should not be such a fussing event for anyone. They wish us to tame the Soul, not to let us sob, not to let us feel that the “ground” is for that, for “grounding”. When I was in labour of my first son, I was put in be in the hospital, because you had too, and it was a horrible thing, not able to walk, squat, cry or curse out the pain, not to grab the window sill and make my breathings with a flooding and flexible body. And when the second, I did not do that..until they installed the intravenous injection in order to"help" my contractions. It was safer and more free. And when I get utmost sad and angry, I usuall go to a corner of a room….the one that is farthes from the “social point” of our home and sit all curled there, hearing myself, feeling myself, curing myself. And in some way..calling out for help, without calling (if that is a paradox). When we were children …we obviously cried for calling…cred for like, and if someone would put us on the floor, we could not stand up and go. Depression get us there, to the point of the begining of our lives. Depending on others and at the same time trying to grow and never have to feel the “humiliation” of depending. But is still there, humiliating us or not, and there is too the huge potential of our being..the whole unique and different world we sense, activate, project..it is wondrous and vast. So that is where you can see..you are able to open it up even feeling yourself quite horrible because your Self has been activated too, and our natural way of living is…“being what we are”, and “doing what we can do”.
Nevertheles…..take care, and imagine..really imagine with all your sense what you are, and respect and love your own sense of “uncapability and wound”…I have loved your words. There is a sense of humour and criticism too. You are there, as soon as you can say this great phrase “It seems hospital policy is that no one can be on the floor” It has many readings and enclose your rage for not letting you express your despair, in a natural way.
Have my company….and if you have time…you can read something of James Hillman….he has been a discovering for me. Many of the things I share are his “teaching”.
Rosa (Your pieces of art are great…and the blue is the right mood for them…wonderful)
Karirose:
Thank you, my friend for you insightful words. Body-soul state is putting is perfectly. I’ve often wondered why sobbing was considered such a bad thing when it is a perfectly normal function and reaction. I’ve even been told that “Crying doesn’t solve anything.” No matter. It is a part of who I am and a part of so many of us. Yes, there is a bit of sense of humor that lurks within the darkness and a great deal of criticism, as you have aptly pointed out. Mil gracias, my amiga querida.
BLYTHART
Thanks for having the courage and the insight to write this Journal.
I suffer from chronic anxiety and mild depression, so I have only a very small glimpse of where you are, but I have friends who suffer from depression.
Many of the great creative minds in history suffered from depression. I believe painting/writing poetry, etc. can be a way of entering a world where we are in control and where we can express ourselves in ways that we can’t otherwise.
Sadly, the general public can sympathise with a broken leg, or cancer, or even a heart condition, but for many depression is something beyond their comprehension. Maybe that is why we often feel the need to be alone. Animals are good company at such times, as they are totally non-judgmental.
Karirose:
Thank you kindly for your gracious comment. Yes, it is frustrating that health issues that cannot be seen, such as a broken leg or cancer, is not so easily dealt with by the general public. Yes, I like alone, too. Sadly, I live in a place where I am not allowed to have an animal. So I nurture a fish. Well, sometimes you just have to make do. Thank you, again.
Jellyscuds
I can sympathise and the fact you are still creating while dealing with depression is wonderful.
It can be very debilitating at times and everyone will experience it in different ways. Don’t feel that the methods that are often reccommended are going to be some kind of miracle cure.
To share my experience, I went to a group therapy session and looked around at the others thinking “these people are crazy” and never went back. My support network of family and friends never ceased to amaze me and it always helps to remind myself they are there if the black dog starts to creep up on me.
Art, writing and music sometimes is a great way to express some small sense of how you’re feeling. It feels impossible at times that anyone will ever know, but it can give them a small glimpse.
I think your journal and art is wonderful and I hope that the responses you’ve received have helped in some way to feel you’re not alone and are appreciated for openly sharing a bit of your soul with others.
Best of wishes,
Judy
(btw; agreed with Blythart that animals are good company. They’re just “there” for you.)
Karirose:
Thank you, Judy for the time to read and write to me. It seems to only way to express is through some form of art and a great many tears. I am aware that there are many who experience to some degree or another, some more so, some less so, the same thing. It helps to have a group of people, even on the internet, who will be as supportive as possible. Thank you, again. As I told Blythart, I do not live where I can have a pet. So I have a fish. He doesn’t cuddle much, be he is “right there”.
Lenny La Rue, IPA
Oh, do I know, do I know. I have let go of the public’s perception of my emotions. I’m not naturally “social” anyway. So when my emotions break thru my meds, I crash and burn alone from even myself.
I can ID some of those periods by what was created during them, the largest being “freak”: 30 minutes of music, words and images. So my single greatest achiement came from hours in my bedroom: recording, writing, planning the arangement of pictures taken with an instant-print camera. Compiled into a black binder, it was ‘loaned’ to people; they could add nothing, as much, or their own feelings however they chose. It came back to me much more balanced & definatly not “me”. That did a lot to help me see the world outside my head.
I won’t presume to suggest anything more than remembering you are never alone during your most bleek minutes. Just ask and you will have someone to sit with you, talk if you like, or simply stay quietly supportive. You have many who love and support you when you need them most. :-)
Karirose:
Thank you, Lenny for your support and understanding. Sometimes I don’t want to see the world outside my head, I just want the world inside my head make sense. I suppose that’s what the meds are for. But not feeling any real feelings of creativity is the hardest right now. I am grateful for the people I have in my life, both physical and in the cyber world. Tears are coming now. I am very grateful and very sad all at the same time. A conundrum many, many people know and understand. I don’t think I’ll end up in a corner this time, but who knows. I don’t. As always, thanks so much.
DravenStudios
express what you need to express in whatever manner it is freeing and you are in my thoughts!
Karirose:
Thank you, my friend. Your support is appreciated and your words hold so true to that which you not only believe but do.
Vicki Ferrari ...
Hey Kari,
does it help if I say you are not alone? And that I, as I am sure many of us do, appreciate your honesty in being able to come out and express yourself? This cyber world can be very helpful, as it can be harmful…
I used to think that, in the physical world, people were reacting negatively towards me. Then, I discovered I had the same thoughts in the cyber world… which made me realise that what was mainly at play, with my thoughts, was my own perceptions… but you have probably heard this a hundred times before…
I am so HAPPY that you posted this! The steps to recovery are within your reach!
The way that I got over my depression, eventually, was to be honest with myself… but it is a hard road and there is no way around it, only through it… I hope to keep in touch with you Kari, if you would like me to… not to feel sorry for you (which is a thought that I always had in the back of my mind when people kept in touch with me, if they knew I was depressed) but to share… that is healing in itself… or it was to me…
Please do me a favour and never not talk… I did that for about two or three years (before I discovered Redbubble)… it is not good… but I found it easier not to talk and share as I did not want people to feel sorry for me. I thought I would scare them away… all it did, apart from sifting the chaff from the hay, was to prolong my agony…
Keep in touch Kari… and we can always have a joke and a laugh; even when you are depressed, you are allowed to smile, have a giggle and a happy thought – and to not bash yourself up for such reprieves! :)
Big hugs, big healing hugs, and big smiles and the rest is up to you… and I think you are already on the way there!! xoxoxo Vicki :)))
Karirose:
Hi Vicki, your honesty is so appreciated. Thank you. My first psychiatrist told me never to tell anyone, especially my work, about bipolar. I lost the job anyway, probably in part to hiding it from them. Never can tell. Those who really care, do not abandon, do they. Yes, I would enjoy keeping in touch. I don’t think you’ll be feeling sorry for me. Thanks for the hugs. :)
Vicki Ferrari ...
PS… the creativity that emerges is awe inspiring, aye Kari?! :)) Yours proves that! :)))
Karirose:
Thank you ever so much, Vicki! :)
neogolas
Kari,yes this is true but lets not forget with Differculties there’s ease,this is a time of revolution in your life or this is the time of ,only the strong survive.
Sincerely Neogolas
Karirose:
There is indeed a season for everything. Thank you for your encouragement.
Sam Fonte
Karirose, i clicked on here to read the ramblings of a depressed person because i can relate.. but also because it’s you and you comment on my work regularly and always have done and your encouragement has meant a lot to me. your post here makes perfect sense. but what springs to mind is if beauty is in the eye of the beholder… then my eye is seeing beauty in your works right now, and i find what yr creating to be moving, intense and amazing!! it’s really hard to bare your pain so openly and let everyone see in. so really i just want to say THANKYOU for sharing your depression and hope that you will please know that some of us relate very deeply. my depression is making me a bit hyper-manic at the moment and i’ve become obsessed with ‘making art’ almost 24/7.. if i didn’t have to eat, i’d be happy! sleep? what is that? meanwhile i am continuously and consistently putting off having medical tests.. i relate to the trauma you describe. hospitals!! hmmpff.. often not good places for sick people! it’s all a bit of a wobbly road we tread and in some ways i find it helpful to know that others struggle with the gift of creativity… but i don’t like it when good people suffer. so i hope you’re feeling ok soon huh. that creativity thing: it’s work or it’s working.. or it helps us function.. or something! ? hold on… love Sammi xxx
Karirose
Thanks so much, Sammi, for your lovely words of encouragement. It is easier to bear my soul here as I know many people experience much the same as I do. I am so pleased you see beauty in my semi recent works. Thank you so much. Right now, I’d be happy for Hypo mania! LOL But right now, I’m continuing my search for beauty in the depression. If I can see bipolar as a condition not an illness, I can see the positive and the beauty that perhaps others don’t. Of course, as you well know, it isn’t an easy ride nor is it painless. THANK YOU for your kind and encouraging words as well as opening yourself up as well. I will hold on and I will continue to look for that creativity we love so much! Love to you, too. Kari xo And be careful that the hypo manic doesn’t get out of hand into serious “craziness” of full blown mania. Of course, there’s an entirely different kind of creativity there, but we tend to get sent to hospitals and such at that point. ;)
Sam Fonte
yr a hunny Kari… glad you find support in this space. it is an anchor at times, knowing we of the creative disease have a similar “dis-ease” with the real world. i can’t fit their boxes and neither can you. we just need to be able to survive without their kind of “help” eh? hmmn… and i will heed yr words too, thanks so much… trying to pace myself this week and find the balance with my moods and massive energy swings. not sure where that edge is, but i hope i never find out. love and hugs Sammi xxx
Karirose:
Yep. Finding the right boundaries for us is tricky and rather exciting at times. I work with a group here in California that talks about continuing to make sure our behaviors are good as well as keeping ourselves from from too much “help”. I’ve been down the ‘drugged to a zombie’ road and I’m not going there again! I have a decent set of meds that keep me a bit balanced but probably will change tomorrow as I see my PhD then.
Glad you’re working on pacing yourself and watching out for the edge. The edge itself is cool—falling over it is not. ;)
Hugs xo
Kari
Sam Fonte
hey Kari, oh that sounds good.. the group that is. i don’t know how i’m doing exactly. i don’t want to call out for any ‘professional’ help as i don’t want what they have to offer.. the edge seems to be coming and going in and out of view.. .i can’t seem to stop or slow down, i keep trying, i manage it for a little bit then i’m restless and ‘doing’ again. still can’t sleep till dawn. hmmn… i am determined to not tlet the racing thoughts throw me too much tho. they feel like my thoughts/voices, not someone else talking at me… it’s like my internal dialogue is turned up really loud all the time and set to very fast! does that sound familiar? i feel a bit anxious in my gut all the time and i seem to never be as tired as i should be (i have chronic fatigue syndrome, so i’m usually stuffed after just one activity).. i’m not used to having energy to burn! it’s scary. i’m not deprssed but i’m teary if something triggers it. i’m maybe unusally happy for me? that almost euphoric feeling? invincible? the counseler said to watch out for those things.. he said when yr feeling productive, euphoric and invincible that’s why it’s so seductive and tempting to stay in that space and it can be ‘mania’ ? he wants me to get tested for bi-polar but the doctors around here and community health are so incompetent and horrible i don’t want to speak to them at all. i am thinking hey i’ve been thru some really tough shit in my life, maybe i can ‘sort this out myself’. do you think i’m being unrealistic? other possibility is that some of my meds are interacting badly? (meds behaving badly, haha) i’ve quit a couple of them in the last week to see if maybe that is waht’s causing the speediness. we’ll see. hmmn.. hope yr having a good week hun!!! thanks for yr feedback and presence : ) xxxhugsxxx
Karirose:
I know exactly how you feel! On all points, actually. I don’t know what meds you’re on or for what, but you should check with your dr (no matter how incompetent you think he/she is) and find out if you can stop it suddenly or gradually. That goes with any medication. Yes, there are meds that behave badly! LOL
I don’t know if you do yoga, or meditate or pray or something of the like, but I find doing something along those lines helps my brain focus and slow down a wee bit. Of course, I have to do it daily to keep a grip on things because if we fall over the edge bad things happen. I LOVE the mania, to a certain degree. Since I’ve had no studies or training in meditation I generally close my eyes (in good weather I’m outside, in the sun, in the morning and I can hear the birds and such) and I’ll repeat a scripture or a phrase from a song over and over in my head. Sometimes I focus on breathing, or I count my breaths one, two, three, four, and start over. It is a time that is revitalizing and keeps me in touch with reality. Not that mania isn’t reality, but helps keep my feet on the ground and not falling off a cliff. It’s only part of what I do to keep me from getting sent to a hospital where they load me up with drugs and turn me into a zombie.
It has been a long time for me since I’ve been actually manic. I went through a couple of mixed episodes since December and that was bizarre! I don’t remember if I managed my ‘quiet times’ very often, but that’s when I wrote “Extreme Frustration:The Journal” and even posted it here! LOL
I’m not a doctor so I wouldn’t be able to officially diagnose, but what you have said certainly sounds like mania. Perhaps you are bipolar. But then, mixed meds can behave badly, too! I know the draw of mania and I always want to know why everyone is against me cleaning my house. LOL When I’m manic, among other things I clean my house like crazy. Dusting at 3AM, moving furniture at 2AM, etc. I suppose that it could be called Extreme Cleaning (not just dusting and furniture moving, but all the cleaning and organizing I do)
The group I work with (I edit his writings and have attended some of his workshops) is called Bipolar Advantage. Tom Wootton is bipolar with schizo-affective disorder. Talk about mental issues! LOL But he doesn’t consider it a disadvantage, (duh, obviously with that title LOL) But he talks about learning to behave well so we don’t get dosed into little unfeeling, uncreative, un-anything zombies. His first book “Bipolar Advantage” is a hoot! I laughed and recognized many things in it. It has some suggestions, but mostly it’s his story. His third book, “Bipolar In Order” gives more suggestions and encouragements about learning to function as bipolar on or off meds. That’s a decision you and your doctor make. He’s also got a YouTube account. “Bipolar Advantage”, of course. :D His second book, just to fill in the blank, is “Depression Advantage”.
Turns out that I’ve got Fibromyalgia so I know what you mean about sleeping and no energy, etc. But we can find a way to find our way, allow ourselves to still be creative and productive.
You sound close to an edge to me. I don’t know since I’m not in your head, of course, but I’d suggest some calming technique (yoga, meditation, prayer, sitting by a window and enjoy a cup of hot tea, rub your feet with pretty smelling lotion, take a slow walk, any manner of things that will slow you down a bit) and maybe a talk with a counselor or doctor before they slam the brakes on you.
I don’t know about the medical situation in your part of the world, but I know I’m not always happy with my doctors and the medical system, but they are a part of system of checks and balances. And yes, they want us to be “normal” Yuck. But we have to be able to walk between the edges and sometimes we have to do stupid things like go to therapists or classes or get our meds tweaked.
Today I saw my shrink. We had to adjust my meds—again. No new ones, yay! Just an adjustment to the ones I am already taking. :) But he wants me to get back in touch with my therapist or go to one of her classes…. sigh. I hate those things. I get good info, but really? I’m not really down on groups, I just don’t like them…. does that even make sense? LOL
Write down your thoughts, ideas, etc. That helps, too. (Or type. hee hee) I like writing for the feel of it.
Most importantly, I would say right now, is to find a way to calm your brain a little bit each day, but do it regularly to keep you from falling off the edge. And definitely check with your doctor about how if the meds are causing odd effects and shouldn’t be taken with each other and if you can stop them without problem or just get them adjusted.
A lot to read here, hope you can get through it all! :D
linskudd
Karirose, I have read your Journal above – and wanted to say something – but everything I say just sounds like wall-paper! I don’t know what to say – but my thoughts go out to you. Your first image, on the floor in the corner touched me deeply, together with the weeping blue eyes. x
Karirose:
Thank you, my dear, for your kind words. I understand the feeling of words feeling like wall paper. That’s when I turn to some other form of expression I suppose. As contradictory as it sounds, I’m pleased the emotions touched you. Thank you for reading and commenting. :)
Sam Fonte
hi Kari, thanks heaps for yr feedback. though it is a little scary how ‘my state’ makes so much sense.. in terms of you relating to what i’m going through and vice/versa…. i managed to do some of what you wrote above in the last few days and have felt some calm-er periods here and there.. but i notice it doesn’t take me much to get revved up again. i have always calmed myself or kept myself company by going through songs or poems in my head as i’m a musician/singer/songwriter/poet too and that’s been my main medium for so long… and combining that with breathing or watching the in and out breath is about as close to i get to meditation these days. i used to do yoga (and meditation sort of) when i was younger. i have fibromyalgia as well!! so that’s made the yoga pretty limited. i was doing better when i was going for a walk everyday, but lately i seem to be really struggling with getting out the door at all… but i’m still working on it! this winter has been particularly cold in Sydney so it’s been a bit tougher to get motivated! we Ozzie’s aren’t that familiar with the cold unless in the southern-most regions. ususally i’m writing/blurting out stuff when i’m ‘feeling churned’ .. but it’s usually because it’s about an emotional issue that i can nail.. but lately i haven’t had anything to say in terms of poetry or song… but i’ve been doing an extraordinary amount of emailing and messaging… part of the ‘manic’ busy-ness? can’t seem to get enough of talking to people..whereas usually that much contact would have me running for some ‘quiet/alone-time’ to recharge just on a normal day. i seem to be talking pretty fast before i know it too, and probably not letting others get a word in. typing really fast, like now.. it’s all rolling out as if the words are in a hurry to get to the screen! LOL hmmn…. ok … breathing. in … and………..out. thanks Kari for the reminders!! i know yr not here to diagnose anyone.. and this page is about YOU. but i really appreciate yr feedback. i lost my usual doctors due to them spraying scented air fresheners in their waiting room as a rule every day now i cannot go in to that place as i’m totally allergic to scented things. (my other illness is: MCS – or environmental injury.. totally intolerant of ALL chemicals, they make me very very sick). this is part of the complex mix that is my ‘health’ (i use the term loosely!) because of all the various conditions i have i have a lot of trouble taking many medications. consequently i’m not on andi-depressants… as i started having reactions/side effects to many brands i tried over the years, i had to ‘go without’. but one medicine i was on which was for nerve damage in my shoulder also contained a mild mood stabilizer and i think that may have been ‘behaving badly’ with the asthma medication! i’ve stopped those pills and cut down on the asthma meds. the shrink told me to ask the doctor to get the levels of those pills checked in my blood but the doctor (a new one who doesn’t know me very well yet) said no, disagreed. said it was a waste of time. said those meds are so harmless it is irrelevant. ignored the fact that i’ve been on them, inconsistently taking them in fact for around 12 years+!!! my depression(s) are usually triggered around some event or stress or as a response to be constantly chronically ill. i’ve been able to manage the mood swings and down the hole times with counselling and art and music… just that lately it’s been that whole other level of creativity as we know and talked about before… so yeah.. it’s a bit confusing. i do clean my house at 3am a lot too! : ( and i get stressed knowing there are chores that need to be done and i havne’t gotten to them yet.. they start to build up like a list in my head and then the list gets scrambled and all i see is a mess without order and i hate that! i can still hear myself saying to my counseler: but i get heaps done! at least i’m not wasting time, or staring at the wall, comatose! haha.. and all of a sudden that sounds pretty silly! oops! i’m ok today.. just a bit more of the same. last nite i was able to curl up on the couch with the cat and watch some tv. that felt like an achievement. i’ve stopped myself from painting, but i am so itching to do some! i think if i start tho i will not stop! hmmn… hahaa well i’ll have a little laugh at myself today, but i know this is serious stuff. i put off going to the ‘new’ doctor this week. and i’ve seen some improvement. i’m not out of the woods yet though and will stay mindful and if i feel like i’m losing the plot i’ll tell a good friend to keep an eye on me. those classes or groups you mentioned. is that like group therapy? or a support group? i suppose there are things like that here. i’m not up for any groups right now either! i get a bit aggitated when there’s more than 3 people in one space. i can’t ‘hear’ what everyone’s saying.. it’s distracting, can’t focus or soemthing. get extra noise sensitive too. it totally makes sense that you don’t like groups anyway. it’s good you didn’t have to change yr meds! small wins are big wins really aren’t they? in the grand scheme of things. ok i better stop talking/typing now. i sold 2 paintings to a friend today : ) take care Kari, you’re one special woman .. thanks so much for yr kind caring, while you’re going through so much yrself : ) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Sammi xxx
Karirose:
Congrats, dear Sammie on the sales! Yay! :D I’m so glad to hear from you today. I’ve been concerned. Glad you’re holding it together—well as together as we can get in these times! :D
Glad you’re working at some calming type things. The key as you know, is remembering them and then learning to extend them a couple minutes more—not to disable the creative process but to keep it from overtaking us. I find that writing out a list of calming things helps me, the trick is remembering to look at the list! LOL Just writing them down helps me remember. And oh to be a musician! I sing like crazy with the radio LOL I used to sing a lot. Singing is a release that makes me absolutely soar. But I don’t sing at home anymore. And the piano is dusty, but my piano skills are so poor it’s hardly worth the effort. But I probably should try it again, anyway.
I don’t know how easy it is for you to change doctors, but if it’s an option, I’d consider it. I’m not pleased with my Primary Care physician, but thought if I don’t have to see him much then I won’t have to deal with him. Well, more issues are coming up and I don’t think he and I are a good fit. Changing doctors in my insurance group is an easy process, it’s just hard to change doctors. Make sense? If your psychiatrist and Primary Care physician can’t communicate easily and they’re not working together somehow, it is bad news for you. My newest doctor (the one who explained my back problem and diagnosed Fibromyalgia) suggested pills, but wanted me to talk with my psychiatrist so as to avoid conflict with my bipolar meds. Very cool and very smart. My primary care physician was totally out of the loop on that discussion. I’ll have to tell him!
Certain anti-depressants are not conducive to bipolar depression. I was on Prozac for depression before I went manic. That’s when we discovered I was bipolar. He’d upped the Prozac to the maximum level and zoom! Off I went! LOL I’m on Wellbutron now and it’s been good for me. But I don’t have the same health issues as you so no telling what works best for you. Paxil doesn’t work for me either. LOL
Talk about sound sensitive! Yikes! Sometimes it’s like the entire world is shouting! All I want is calm, quiet times. My children grew up with me saying to use their quiet voices. LOL And yet there’s those times when I’m probably he loudest one in the room. sigh. Trying to keep track of myself and my behaviours and knowing when to reel myself in is a lot of work.
The classes are group therapy kind of thing that are put on my my psychiatric clinic. I’m in a huge insurance company and everything is in-house. The bipolar advantage group is a business where I have made some friends. Those workshops are less like group therapy but more like an exploration into new ways to deal with our lives. His talks are on YouTube if you’re interested in hearing anything he has to say. He’s a high energy guy!
I know how the thoughts pile up and get jumbled. When it’s really bad, my thoughts go so fast they crash into each other in my head and break off into partial thoughts that crash into more partical thoughts that make more partial thoughts until I think my brains will leak out my temples. Then I write crazy notes and stuff. That’s when it’s gotten too far to the edge for me.
I keep writing even longer responses I think! LOL So I’ll stop now. :D Keep in touch, dear one. Either through this page or bmail. It’s all good. It’s also helpful to me. So see, I’m being a bit selfish here, too! But it is good to have you to chat with. :D
Kari hugs to you and peace in your heart and mind—so you can create, but not create yourself crazy! :D
Sam Fonte
OMG i didn’t think i wrote so much just then!! ALL THAT??!!! should delete it kari.. make this wall about You again.. not me. lol xxx
Karirose:
It’s still about me. But that includes you, too, because you are a part of this whole mental health business that ‘normal’ people don’t understand nor want to be around. LOL I only have my experiences to offer, but I hope that my thoughts give you something to think about. :D
Sam Fonte
hi Kari, thanks once again for your thoughtful response!! sorry for the delay in coming back on here.. i’ve actually been busy RESTING!!! hhehe.. i had a whole day the other day that was me blissfully doing absolutely NOTHING!! quite a change from the manic do do do space i was in. not exactly sure what changed it…. and not sure if it’s gone for good. i stopped one of my meds…. that’s really the only major medical/physical change anyway. i found a couple of things that seemed to really help.. one was singing!! as you said.. and playing my guitar..w hen i could finally focus on it, i remembered that it is the thing that has always soothed me!! and kept me sane, at peace and given me an outlet for expressing things which are too hard to work out anywhere else! music-making IS meditation for me. (you should just ad-lib and make it up with piano, it’s such a great instrument, i can’t play it either, but i love to try)!! also eating fresh foods, fruit, raw vegetables, power-foods, i think that does something to the chemical in-balance! the racing thoughts had been freaking me out, and it had gotten quite bad… so i was forced to slow down and then eventually stopping didn’t seem too hard… well just for a day.. but since then i have been doing better at pacing myself : ) . i noticed so much.. like you said: the thoughts colliding into each other and then breaking off into other bits kinda feeling until i just couldn’t grab hold of any one thought for very long at all! scary!! and now my ’writer’s internal dialogue’ has come back too and i can make sense of the words piling up in my head. wrote 3 pages the other nite. still not sleeping till very late, but it’s a better sleep. not too crowded! yaaay!! turning the computer off for long stretches has also helped me to not multi-task so much. i’ve been paintings.. and i noticed that when i was feeling really ‘high’ i felt i could paint anything!! and now i feel i have to struggle a little with the weight of being ‘grounded’.. LOL how ironic.. but yeah i want to control that creativity not the other way around… or at least not let it send me to that edge! i will keep in touch hunny. and thanks so much for sharing this space and your insights.. which are spot on! i have changed doctors, but they don’t know me yet. the medical system here is diff. i don’t have any insurance, but we have ‘medicare’ which means that the doctors will get paid by the govt whether they help you or not.. so i’m not sure what incentive that gives them to actually give a damn. they see me coming and probably want to run and hide under the desk. ok i better stop now… i’ve promised myself i will not overdoit.. with typing especially. love and hugs Kari… take care of yrself lovely!! Sam xxx…. p.s.. here’s one of my songs to keep you company.. it’s called: “Asking For More”…
http://www.myspace.com/samthejamsongs i hope it gives you a soothing moment or 2 (without making you too sad, i write sad songs!, not surprise there! LOL) xxxxx
Karirose:
Thanks for sharing your music with me! :D I write sad poetry, but again, that’s no surprise, either! LOL
Glad you had some slow-down time. And yeah, feeling grounded and less creative is a little weird, but better than flying off into places we don’t want to go!
You write as if you’re still a little manic, but if you’ve got a pretty good grip on things, I don’t see anything wrong with a little hypomania—a person can get a lot done in that state of mind! :D Right now, in a depression, my house is so filthy I can’t even figure out where to start. And I have people coming over to visit in a couple of weeks. Gotta start some sort of system of cleaning soon!
You take care of yourself, too. And do any doctors really understand us? I don’t think so. Keep finding your “centered spot” or “grounded spot” or “peaceful spot” daily. And I’ll work on doing the same. :D
Hugs to you, too. xo
Sam Fonte
hi Karirose, yr so welcome hun. yes, well better the sad poetry Out than held In i reckon! ohh… i used to be a fast typist for my work, so sometimes now when i write online i don’t stop for line breaks because my hands hurt, as they are injured from all that typing! and too much guitar playing… so i spill all the words out before my hands give in and my shoulder seizes up. i promise i’m not feeling manic this week. just watching the process of slowing down has been interesting. and learning to not stress about what i don’t ‘get done’ etc.. is challenging, but i think i’m getting there. i am so glad to be feeling more like myself that i don’t mind so much what i may have to forfeit to stay this way. so the dishes sat there for 3 days, but last nite i did half and then didn’t obsess about doing the other half! major breakthrough! haha. might seem like a small thing to others, but as you know it’s often the little things that we can actually control that are the big successes.
i hope you get some sense of ’there’s enough time’ to clear yr house before yr visitors arrive etc… i have my first exhibition coming up in Dec and i’m a bit worried about getting my paintings framed and ready by then, i don’t want to stress, but i also don’t want to leave things till the last minute! so i’m tattooing this on my forehead till then…….’there’s enough time for everything’. hope yr having a ‘good’ day Kari. thanks so much for yr input ,.. and i really feel you’ve given me some guidance in a very difficult time.. so thankyou. i am hoping i can manage to recognize any signs of this stuff next time before they creep up on me. take care sweetie… and definitely will remember to seek out that ‘peaceful spot’. all the best. hugs Sam xxx
sarnia2
There is such a ‘stigma’ about depression within the ‘normal people circle.’
Wait a minute! What makes them normal, making us supposedly ‘abnormal!’
Who says we are different? We are not.
There are some people out there who we (or they) consider to be ‘normal’ yet they are so bitter, and so full of suppressed feelings because they have never let them out or become emotional, they are no less in a place of depression than we are, but would never own up to it.
Depression is NOT an abnormality. Anyone who hasn’t truly experienced it’s incredibly dark places, it’s pits of despair, it’s hopelessness cannot truly say they understand.
You and I and all others who have been through or are going through this, know we are as normal as the next person, but we wear our hearts on our sleeves. We ‘show’ and let out our overwhleming feelings out, and they are far better out then in.
I’ve experienced going into a room, shutting the door and curling up on the floor in moments of intenxse despair and opening up the ‘dam!’ It’s a horrible place to be, but it;s a better place than feeling so pent up inside that you feel like you’re going to explode.
Your creativity is just the outlet you need; the medium by which you can express yourself. When depression cannot be ‘cured’ we can use it to our advantage; use to the positive; use it for the good maybe to somehow at some time help others.
Keep painting; keep sharing; keep living.
i have and it;s the best thing I have done. :))
Karirose:
Thanks Sarnia for your wise words. It is tough when those who call themselves “normal” don’t get it. Don’t get us. Yeah, the stigma bites. I hate it when I’m told I’m using “it” as an excuse….. an excuse for what? Gets frustrating.
The dark gets old and wearisome after a while, true. But yes, you’re right. Let it out. And keep moving forward. Doing my best. :)
Thanks for reading and commenting! :)
Susie Peacock
Hi Karirose,
I have little experience of what you must be going through, but I can feel it in your words and I am touched and saddened. Through your work you touch others and help them to understand. What photography teaches us is to ‘look to the light’ which may not seem that helpful but they are words to focus on in those difficult times. All the best to you Karirose.
Karirose:
Thank you, kindly, Susie. So very gracious of you to take time to read through the entire journal and then to comment with your words of encouragement. Wishing you the best as well. :)
JCSAF
Kareen, thank you for the article. Yesterday after almost 20 years (of 31) I finally admitted to struggling with depression and needing other ppl’s support. A long journey awaits me … [sigh] Beethoven seems to cheer me up for right now, but ….. this last spell has not produced much art at all, so I hear ya . I have a strange aversion to paint …
I want to be creative not just through sadness but through joy and live abundantly (having tasted that it is possible )
God bless you for sharing :)
Karirose:
Admitting the difficulties and seeking help is a hard step. You’ve done well. :) Creativity comes in many forms, not just paint or photograph or word. The Creator is so great that many forms of creativity surround us. We just have to find it- easier said than done! :D Live abundantly in joy as well as in depression. It will look completely different, but abundance is possible in that spectrum as well.
Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and exasperation of this particular spell. I appreciate, also, your comments.
Blessings to you, as well.
Stefan Fletcher
Congratulations!
Karirose:
Thank you so very much. This kind of thing (journals) are not something I’ve ever considered feature worthy. Featuring this is certainly very meaningful to me.