The New Planet by Ben Taylor (Age 11)
My name is Trevor Johnson, I have achieved wondrous things in my life as an Astronomer and ‘Hungry Jack’s’ employee of the month, yet my life feels unfulfilled. I had a difficult childhood in my early years, so I won’t tell you anything about it… at all.
My astronomical team is made up of an elite squad of biologists, botanists, military folk, translators and two transvestites. I myself am an astronomer who has been given a mission. A mission to find a new planet for the residents of planet Earth, because our old planet got cold and boring.
It has been almost a month since we left Earth, meaning, I won’t be employee of the month for much longer. It’s driving me mad! To dull the pain I will be try to keep you updated on our progress.
We discovered a planet today without realising it was Earth, we took a closer look… and then realised. Later on today we spotted a sign floating around the galactic galaxy. It read something like this:
‘No projectile vomiting’
And soon we found our space vehicle being rammed by a herd of space stallions. They smashed up our space vehicle so well that we were forced to be very, very close to each other. VERY… CLOSE.
I awoke in the space vehicle with the rest of my crew. Most of them gasping for air or biting each other, being driven to insanity by starvation.
‘Pull your selves together men and women! And transvestites…’ I said, confident that it would get them focussed on our mission.
‘We have been sent here for various reasons which I will not elaborate on any further! We have a mission! A goal! A purpose, if you will! Let not our starvation and homicidal tendencies put us off! Let us explore this new land! Oo-rah!’ I chanted. The crew went either berserk with excitement or rage, but either way they were ready for the challenge.
It was around midday the next day when I decided we should draw straws to see who would have the duty to explore the new land. I tried to rig the competition so one of the transvestites would have to do it, but somehow it backfired directly onto me. Darn those transvestites! Ah well, you shouldn’t send a woman to do a man’s job!
I awoke early the next morning and packed a large supply of essential items into a hefty bag and set off on my exploration. The surface of the planet was, as expected, hard and smooth. Almost as if it were concrete. I scuffed my shoe along the surface of the planet and made no sound whatsoever. I walked on and on for days and finally came to a halt. My body was stiff. I couldn’t feel my limbs. Was I dead? Yes. Yes I was. It just so happened I was pregnant also and I gave birth to a sack of eggs. One of which survived the harsh weather. It named itself, Trevor Johnson. It ate my brain and now I control it. So you can basically forget any of that happened because I will still talk in first person.
I walked all night and all day yesterday and set up camp this morning. I sent a signal back to the ship to update them on my progress and then started walking North-East. About 20 minutes into my trip I heard popping. Was that? Bubble gum popping? Yes. Yes it was. I ran towards the sound at a blistering pace. The popping grew louder and louder. I came to a hillside and climbed it to the top and looked down. Below me I could see sets of traffic lights! And little cars! And… was that? Prostitutes? Yes. Yes it was. And cows in the cars? Yes. Yes it was! I was amazed and immediately ran down the hill to greet the new strangers. I was going to say ‘I come in peace!’ but it was too cliché. So instead I asked if one of the inappropriately dressed hookers if she was free! I am so daft! Of course she’s single! SHE’S A HOOKER!
‘Looking for a good time?’ She answered. I laughed, and asked where I was.
‘Where exactly are we standing right now?’ I questioned.
‘Looking for a good time?’ She replied again! I decided to interrogate her further. Same result every time I quizzed her,
‘Looking for a good time?’
I was furious! She had crossed the line. I punched her cheery little, dolled up, mug. She retaliated with a quick stiletto kick so I left her alone. After that I sort of felt at one with this new planet until my crew came screaming and running, being chased by rabid ‘leper’ hookers. The whole town went into chaos. I called my crew over and we hid in a tent made of tube tops with a hobo.
The screaming had stopped. The panic had stopped. The blood-shed had stopped. The hobo had stopped. The cars had stopped. It felt as thought the whole world had stopped. It was remarkable. Then all of a sudden a leper hand reached in and grabbed Reuben, an experienced Botanist!
‘No!’ Cried the hobo
‘No!’ Cried the crew
‘No’ I sobbed gently to myself. Reuben was gone. There was no hope for him. He would be turned into a coat within 24 hours. We had to keep moving.
I milked my crew on information to what had happened to my ship. Apparently the lepers had taken it to their hole in the ground and are worshipping it. It was going to be a real challenge getting it back. We had to make a plan. We decided we would have to go undercover. I told the crew it was very risky and a low chance of survival. I asked for volunteers. One of the women coughed and we all turned to face her.
‘Oh no!’ She squeaked.
We had smothered her in fungus to make her look like a leper then added filth to her face and hair. Perfect! She looked just like a leper. We briefly informed her on her assignment and she nodded weakly. We shoved her outside the tent and waited for a leper to lead her back to their H.Q.
We monitored her closely for the next few days and got a good idea of their base. Every now and then a hand would reach into the tent and grab either a botanist, biologist or a translator. It was very rare that they would take a military folk person for some reason although that didn’t necessarily bother me too much.
By the time we had got the lepers to trust the woman we had sent we had 5 members of the squad left. We sent a radio transmission to the woman and told her to get the ship out of there immediately. She didn’t respond. We were worried and decided we would have to go in there ourselves. We packed up our belongings and set off. The streets were dark and empty. Not a soul in sight. We stayed in the shadows just in case any cows or lepers came along looking for survivors. Along the way we met a human mechanic who joined our team after telling us the story of his survival here on this planet. He was glad to be in contact with humans again after being in isolation for so long. We slid silently along the streets like snakes with mittens and no one saw us until we got to the leper H.Q entrance. There were guards everywhere! We thought we would never get our ship back, until we saw it in one of those big industrial bins! Why would they get rid of it? Maybe there was a new trend and space vehicles were out! I peered into the cave from a distance and saw the woman we had sent carrying a large stick and being followed by tough looking lepers! Could it be? That the woman we had sent to do our dirty work had become The Leper Queen? Yes. Yes it was.
We decided in the end to leave her there on the planet where she was welcome and took the mechanic back to Earth instead.
My name is Trevor Johnson, I have achieved wondrous things in my life as an Astronomer, discovering a planet, giving birth to an egg sack, rescuing a man from a leper infested planet, finding a space vehicle and surviving.
When I returned home I received 5 medals.
• 2 for Bravery
• 1 for Speed & Accuracy in the field
• And 1 for incompetence.
I am now the permanent employee of the month at ‘Hungry Jack’s’ and I have several wives and children. My life is now fulfilled. I am a success. And this time, I can be proud of it!
Ben Taylor (my 11 year old son) wrote this narrative for a school assignment , he was wanting to get a bit of a rise out of his female teacher. Obviously a very cheeky boy sometimes…anyhoo I thought his story was so good, i just wanted to share it with everyone. I’m just sooo proud of this boy!!
Disclaimer – Ben has nothing against transvestites, prostitutes or women and this story is not meant to offend anyone of any gender, race, religion or way of life